Shame is one of the most toxic emotions. The psychology of shame and how it relates to our human sexuality, various addictions and overall wellbeing. The theory as well as application. And how we can heal shame.

1. Sex & Shame
Patrycja Slawuta, M.A., PhD(c)
&
Alex Allman

2. What is SHAME?
What is SHAME?
• Shame = feeling of unworthy of love and belonging
• In shame the self feels like flawed, broken and unlovable
• Actions associated with shame = withdrawal, disappearing,
shrinking
• Shame affects 3 essential parts of who we are:
• Identity = Who I AM
• Self esteem = What I CAN do/ How much do I
DESERVE
• Intimacy = How safe does it feel to DEEPLY connect
with another human being

3. Where does shame come from?
• Human brain =
velcro for NEGATIVE –
teflon for POSITIVE +
• Need to belong = basic human need
• We are hardwired for connection
• Shame = rupture in human trust
• Fear to show the FULL SPECTRUM of ME to others (and often
oneself) because of feeling that certain parts are BAD, UGLY,
UNACCEPTABLE

4. Shame: the beginning
• Shame binds = when a FEELING/NEED/DRIVE is
shamed by somebody we care about
• In the future this FEELING/NEED/DRIVE will trigger
shame, wanting to hide and withdraw
• The Self splits - into acceptable and unacceptable
parts
• The unacceptable/shamed parts will be left in
darkness, denial and secrecy from now on…

5. Shame: different stages of life
Childhood
perceived REJECTION by
ones we TRUST:
• Why can’t you be like X?
• You are embarrassing me
Adolescence:
• BOYS - power / competence
• GIRLS - body/motherhood
Adulthood
• Aging
• Powerlessness

6. Shame: the beginning
Shame begets shame: we tend to shame people
around topics that we have around ourselves
shame goes down the family generations

7. MEN
not being “MAN ENOUGH”
Power & Powerlessness
• crying
• being afraid
• failing
• eye contact
• touching/holding
WOMEN
• body image
• assertiveness
• anger
The gender lines

8. Sexual shame
• Sexual toxic soup: sex is all around us & we still don’t have
the language to talk about it we internalize the message
that…
• Man’s number of sex partners is equal to his value as a
male, that man must “perform”, that “manhood” is
constantly tested in bed…
• Pick up and take on the embarrassment or shame of the
adults around them when something sexual is said or done
• Sex = a powerful and all-pervasive force in human life
most of shame triggers are associated with sex

9. Healing shame
• Shame = social wound needs social balm
• Shame thrives in secrecy & darkness of denial
• It melts in the light of awareness
• Turns into fertile soil for human connection when we
hear – "ME TOO" from another human being

10. • Restoring POWER
Healing shame
• The science of little wins = recognizing achievements and
successes, no matter how small
• Restoring SAFETY
• Finding INTERNAL safety, a place of acceptance, peace and safety.
It may be a childhood memory or a new, imagined space
• Re-integrating all the disowned parts
• What are the parts that you locked away/left behind/denied?
• You are only as fast as the slowest part, as courageous as the part
that’s scared, as powerful as the part that’s weak revisiting the
shamed parts and inviting them for a “tea”

11. More …
On Shame, Confidence and Fearlessness at
www.PatrycjaSlawuta.com