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New Years Resolutions
1.
New Year’s Resolutions
You Will Never Keep
2.
Quit taking all
those Oxys and shopping at the Pathmark
3.
Ride in more
posses
4.
Quit trying to
dance away all your problems
5.
Have sex with
Gizmo
6.
Stop chugging everything
7.
Wear more robes
(flowing or otherwise)
8.
Write a pissed
off letter to Skittles complaining about the new chocolate ones
9.
Quit drawing on
the old hairline
10.
Wash your feet
11.
Go see more
fat baby chicken fights
12.
Stop wondering what
this dog is thinking
13.
More Stallowning
14.
Dress up like
a penis in more parades
15.
This year, you’re
gonna learn to how to read
16.
Finally get a
beer with Carlos from Accounts
17.
Finally say hi
to that prostitute you like
18.
Break the curse
of the six-fingered baby hand
19.
Make good on
your promise to rid the world of yoga
20.
Work on your
graffiti colon
21.
Mix baby tigers
with baby monkeys EVERY SINGLE DAY
22.
Milk more stuff
23.
Finally throw away
that racist ass “Chinese Firedrill” drawing you did in the 8 th Grade
24.
Get Sgt. Slaughter
to throw a Cobra Clutch on you
25.
Take up whaling
26.
Be kind to
ugly children
27.
Dress more like
Prince
28.
Get in touch
with your inner Omar
29.
Disprove God
30.
Buy one of
those square-headed Asian babies
31.
Finally laminate meat
32.
Get excited about
poetry
33.
Teach a spider
to smoke
34.
Finally measure it
once and for all
35.
Get one of
those Romanian gymnast haircuts
36.
Come up with
a motto for yourself
37.
Get one of
those cool pencil sharpeners your uncle used to have
38.
Learn to do
that thing with the snakes
39.
Have a long,
long talk with your mailman
40.
Light more girl
farts
41.
Bring back acid
wash
42.
Stop lying so
much
43.
Coach a rag
tag group of Little Leaguers to an unanticipated championship despite your alcoholism
44.
More time in
the dune buggy
45.
Come to terms
with the fact that you hate butterflies
46.
Grow the fuck
up
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