Many social skills groups and social skills instruction involves teaching boys to break the "hidden rules" of the male-male social communication template. As a result, social skills groups can backfire and cause boys to sound unrelatable to their male peers. In this presentation I discuss teaching social skills from a male perspective.

1. Teaching Guys To Communicate Like Guys
(aka not sounding like you walked out of a social skills group)
Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW
Center for ADHD/Summer Trip Camp
Bryn Mawr, PA & Linwood, NJ

2. What I hope you’ll take from this presentation
• Why learning how to be relatable is more important than “social
skills”.
• Strategies to teach how to facilitate natural sounding communication
and develop greater understanding of the hidden rules of male-male
social communication.
• Understand what’s wrong with how social skills are being taught and
what you can do to help.

3. Quiz: Who is using good social skills here?
• A Kindergartener year old goes up to a group of boys in his class who
are playing a game and says “May I join you?”
• A 4th grader asks a boy in his karate class “What are your hobbies?”
• A 10th grader asks another 10th grader: “What are your plans for this
weekend”?
• A 6th grader goes up to a group of boys in the hallway and tells one of
them “You did a really good job playing in the orchestra concert last
night”.
• A 9th grader asks a boy in his math class “How are you doing today?”

4. Answer: None, because they are:
• Breaking the hidden rules of male-male social communication
• Being overly formal in their language
• Asking broad, experiential questions
• None are communicating in ways that are expected for their age and..
they’re following the directions of what they learned in social skills
groups.

5. What led me to this presentation
• Almost every boy I’ve worked with who has been in social skills
groups were taught:
-overly formal, unnatural sounding social communication
-to break the “hidden rules” of how boys interact with each other
-”social skills” that make them unrelatable to their male peers

6. What led me to this presentation continued..
• Many boys on the spectrum have no concept of what male-male social
communication looks/sounds like.
Thinking about the long-term goals:
-understanding what it looks and feels like to be part of a male-peer group
-employability means you have social relatedness
-romantic partners are never going to happen if you don’t know how to form
friendships with guys

8. Some things to think about
• You cannot improve social competency by simply being around peers
with more developed social skills.
• One’s ability to form social relationships is a better predictor of future
success than intelligence, academic ability, etc.
• In order for people to be comfortable around you, you need to be
relatable.
• Learning “social skills” doesn’t mean you’re learning how to be
relatable.

9. A small disclaimer
•The information presented here is not about
adhering to gender stereotypes, it’s about
acknowledging that boys on the spectrum need
friendships with other boys and if we want them
to be employable, they need to learn how to be
relatable to their male peers.

10. Consider this
• The male-female ASD ratio is 4:1.
• Probably 95% of the individuals who teach social skills are female.
• Most women have understandably never been part of an all-male
peer group.
• There are no requirements, standards, etc. to teach social skills.
• Social skills curricula doesn’t differentiate between gender differences
in social communication.

11. So…
• If you haven’t experienced being part of an all-male peer group how can
you understand:
-How boys communicate with each
-The hidden rules in male-male social communication
-Understand what other boys need from you in terms of friendship
This does not imply women can’t teach social to boys, it means they need
to make a conscious effort to learn male-male social communication,
hidden rules, etc.

12. The male-male social communication template
•Using direct, brief and commanding language to
communicate decisions.
•Sits at an angle and avoiding consistent eye contact
while having a conversation
(2013) Gillespie

13. The male-male social communication template
Ask direct, specific questions rather that broad, experiential
questions:
“Did you go on Sidewinder?”
Not: “Hey Josh did you have fun at Hershey Park?”
“What game system do you have?”
Not: “Do you like playing video games?”

14. The male-male social communication template
• Formal greetings are not necessary. Entering a group with a nod, or
monosyllabic word or two word greeting is acceptable.
• Boys can be part of a group without saying much. This is why those
with slow processing can be socially successful.
• Physical displays of affection and emotional sincerity is context
dependent upon social status, peer group and comfort level with
oneself.

15. Non-Verbal Greetings At School

16. • Initiation of
communication often
begins with direct,
specific questions
often without any
formal introduction
or greeting.
• Establishing physical
presence can be
done the same way.
The Male-Male Social Communication Template

17. Hidden rules in male-male communication
• Consistent eye contact would be unexpected, boys can have
full conversations without looking at each other for the most
part.
• Lulls in conversations are acceptable as are periods without
talking when there is a shared distraction (tv show, sporting
event).
• Boys very rarely complement each other and never in front of
other boys except for a few specific topics.

19. Hidden rules in male-male communication
• You should not ask broad, experiential questions like:
Ex. “What are your hobbies?” or “What do you like to do?”
or “How is your day going?”

20. Expressions of friendship and affection in the
male-male social communication template.
• Using nicknames or friendly name calling
• Friendly teasing (roasting, burning)
• Brief physical roughness
• Displays of physical affection are typically reserved for those
with higher social status or those who are secure enough with
themselves.

21. Can trust the most and knows the most about you
See more outside of school & share more
feelings with
Choose to spend time with outside school
& share some feelings with
Friendly, but don’t see outside of
school/activity
Someone you go to school with
See in person & know by name
Might recognize or only talk to for
a specific purpose like gaming
How guys
friendships
evolve
©2017 Ryan Wexelblatt
Best
Friend
Good
Friend
Friend
School/Activity
Friend
Classmate
Acquaintance
Stranger/Gaming Friend

22. Shouldn’t really have to follow hidden rules with
Friendly display of affection O.K. depending on the
situation.
Can be yourself more than levels below. What is
your responsibility in keeping friendship going? Do
they want the same?
Be careful with humor, check with a parents before
you ask to hang out
Be careful with humor, are they someone you
want to be friends with? No asking to hang out
yet
Asking them questions is good, no inviting
over, be very careful with humor
Amount of questions you about them is
dependent on amount of time you’ve spent
talking.
Understanding
friendships with
other guys
©2017 Ryan Wexelblatt
Best
Friend
Good
Friend
Friend
School/Activity
Friend
Classmate
Acquaintance
Stranger/Gaming Friend

23. Strategy: Establishing physical presence in a group
• When you want to enter a group we
don’t need to say anything or ask
permission to join.
• There are many hidden rules within
joining a group:
-number of people present
-familiarity with everyone in the group,
-your social status amongst the group
members, etc.

25. Strategy: If not sure how to use your hands & arms to
greet/say goodbye with other guys don’t use them
Follow the lead of the other guy(s) and only respond when
another guy offers a physical greeting.
Unexpected Greetings
• Waving when in close proximity, “high-fives”, formal shaking
hands with similar age peers (unless adults are present).
• I do teach that men’s first impressions of other men are often
based on an initial handshake.

26. What level of friendship
are these guys?
Strategy: Teach that
higher levels of
friendship have less
hidden rules

27. O.K.
O.K.
Breaking Hidden Rules
Strategy: Teach what it looks
like when guys are following
hidden rules or breaking
hidden rules.

28. Strategy: Teach how to ask direct, specific questions to
initiate conversation and show interest in others
•Hey did you see Big Bang Theory last night?
•Who was the character you were drawing in art?
•Did you finish the math homework?
•Can you go on Xbox at 7:00 tonight?

29. Strategy: Use reflective questions to teach boys
about male-male friendships
How can you tell if someone likes hanging around with you?
-Do they initiate conversations with you?
-Do they make eye contact with you?
-Do they only talk to you for functional purposes or because
they want something from you?
-Do you think there’s kids who have tried to be your friend
but you didn’t pick up that they were trying to be friendly?

30. Discerning between friendly and mean teasing,
sarcasm, etc. (Understanding intention)
• Mean teasing is done by someone who doesn’t know you well
(classmate or below and hasn’t made an effort to talk to you in a
friendly way).
• Boys who like each other may roast each other. This is not
bullying.
• If you’re teased you need to look at if you’re doing something
unexpected:
-Are you giving others uncomfortable thoughts about you?

31. (Middle/High School)
Cursing is O.K. in the right time/place
• You don’t need to curse but you need to not react negatively to it.
• The general rules I teach about cursing and talking about topics you wouldn’t
want your parents to hear:
-Never in school
-Never when adults are around
-Not around girls

32. Emotional Sincerity Often Requires Humor as a Buffer

33. How I Teach Guys to Communicate Like Guys
• Social Anxiety Groups
• 5th grade & Middle School How to Hang Out Program School
• Guy Stuff Programs (5th Grade, Middle School, High School)
• Individual sessions for those who are not ready to successfully be part
of a group
• Learn more at my website: www.centeradhd.com and please sign up
for my mailing list to be notified about upcoming programs

34. Center for ADHD Upcoming Events
Flyers available at my table
• Middle School and High School Guy Stuff Programs in New
Hope
• Full-Day Training for Professionals (Understanding ADHD,
Asperger’s, & Higher-verbal ASD) at Fairmount Behavioral
Health
• Summer Trip Camp

35. Please check out my website to learn about
the work I do
• Therapy (focusing on social, executive functioning, emotional regulation)
• Social Anxiety Treatment
• Social Skills Programs (How to Hang Out, Guy Stuff, Ready for Middle School)
• Summer Trip Camp
• Ride the Wave Counseling is the neurotypical side of my practice. Only work with
males

36. Key Points
• We have to teach how to be a “social relater” not an “information informer”
Information Informer Social Relater
• Only talking about your interests
• Not showing an interest in others
• Not relating to others’ emotional
experiences
• Giving too many details/facts,
etc..
An information informer is
UNRELATABLE to other kids
• Can talk about topics that are not
interesting to them
• Shows an interest in others
• Gives responses they’re expecting
• Share the right amount of
information
A social relater is RELATABLE and
someone other guys want to be
friends with.

37. Key Points
• Roasting can be a form of camaraderie but shouldn’t be
attempted by those who have difficulty understanding context.
Help teach context to discern between friendly teasing and
bullying.
• We need to teach to observe similar-age males in order to teach
understanding intention.
• We have to teach how to sound age-appropriate in front of
peers if you speak too formally/robotically.

38. Key Points
• Teach social observational skills, focusing on what the kids
look like and sound like. We have to teach the “bigger
picture” of social situations.
Example: What did you notice how those boys were standing
around talking? (Body position, eyes, posture)
• Teach to not be reactive to cursing.

39. Thanks for being here!
Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW
Center for ADHD
484-278-1088
www.centeradhd.com
ryan@centeradhd.com
Facebook: Center for ADHD
Blog: www.adhddude.com
YouTube: “ADHD Dude” Channel
Instagram: CenterADHD