Every day, parents and educators confront extreme positions about issues both big and small that they are often obligated to translate for their children and learners. We are pushed to make decisions about how we transmit and reflect on these issues, and this is often a source of both anxiety and concern when we hope at once to embrace and model a spirit of reflection, respect and pluralism. How can we attempt to balance both judgement and compassion when our kids ask us questions, or when we feel pushed to explain what we see in front of us? What are our responsibilities here, as adults, parents and educators, as Jews, as members of our communities and our world? Together, we'll look at some writing and texts about issues as diverse as this year's presidential election, language we use to talk about difference, and how decisions were made and understood in earlier generations, and practice identifying our own values, where we draw our own lines, and how we can practice both judgment and compassion when and where they are needed.

1. raising children
with judgment and compassion:
drawing lines
sara shapiro-plevan
religion in an age of extremism
shalom hartman institute
september 11, 2016

2. please take 3 post-its and jot down
your top 3 core values
(one on each post-it)
When you’ve finished with them, stick them randomly up on the wall

3. Rabbi Abba said in the name of Shmuel, For three years, the House of Hillel and the House of
Shammai argued. One said, 'The halakha is like us,' and the other said, 'The halakha is like us.'
A heavenly voice spoke: "These and these are the words of the living God, and the halakha is like the
House of Hillel."
A question was raised: Since the heavenly voice declared: "Both these and those are the words of the
Living God," why was the halakha established to follow the opinion of Hillel? It is because the students
of Hillel were kind and gracious. They taught their own ideas as well as the ideas from the students of
Shammai. Not only for this reason, but they went so far as to teach Shammai's opinions first.
BT Eruvin 13b
‫חיים‬ ‫אלקים‬ ‫דברי‬ ‫ואלו‬ ‫אלו‬
These and those are the words of the living God

4. what is appreciative inquiry?
ap-pre’ci-ate, v., 1. valuing; the act of recognizing the best in people or the
world around us; affirming past and present strengths, successes, and
potentials; to perceive those things that give life (health, vitality, excellence) to
living systems 2. to increase in value
in-quire’, v., 1. the act of exploration and discovery. 2. To ask questions; to be
open to seeing new potentials and possibilities.
from A Positive Revolution in Change: Appreciative Inquiry by David L. Cooperrider and Diana Whitney.

5. “Appreciative inquiry focuses us on the
positive aspects of our lives and leverages
them to correct the negative.
It’s the opposite of ‘problem-solving.’
White, T.H. Working in Interesting Times: Employee morale and business success in the information age, 1996.

6. “…the ability to understand, hold, and
grapple with multiple, even contradictory
interpretations and perspectives.”
cognitive pluralism
from R. Wasserfall & S. Shevitz, 2009

7. +/-
everyone is a parenting expert
everyone is an expert on education

8. perspective
taking
rooted in theory of mind

9. judgment or compassion?
‫דין‬ ‫רחמים‬

10. judgment and compassion?
‫דין‬ ‫רחמים‬
When it came time to create the world, God said,
“If I create the world only with the attribute of compassion, there will be
an excess of wrongful acts: no one will be afraid of punishment. But if I
create the world with only din, how could the world endure. So I will
create it with justice and compassion, and halevi, it will endure.”
Bereishit Rabbah 12:15

11. when do I judge? when am I compassionate?
our lines
what are our “hot button issues”? why are these ours?
when might we need to draw lines, and where?
when might they be blurred, or erased?

12. frame the conversation with your values
Bandura: the children are watching.
Did you notice…..?
What do you think….?
We are the kind of family/class/people who...
In our family/class/school, we believe/think...
In our family/class/school, we do not believe/think....
In our family/class/school, we think that it’s important that....

13. understanding & using
our core values
as a response

14. Suggestions: drawing your lines
Be honest about your
feelings.
Describe your real fears, not
someone else’s.
Acknowledge feelings, and
root decision-making in facts.
Ask questions. Take a stand, get organized.
What’s your issue?
Listen to others.
Be in conversation.
Think about where your
criticism comes from.
Embrace dialogue.Consider whether your
criticism is valid.
Don’t probe for pain. Consider alternate
perspectives.
Use respectful language.

15. !‫ומתוקה‬ ‫טובה‬ ‫שנה‬
May the shofar awaken both
your judgment and your compassion
sara shapiro-plevan
sara@rimonimconsulting.org
www.rimonimconsulting.org
@shaplev