2. 3: Is it Too Late? Saving a Relationship That’s Already Ended
Everyone’s been there. Your sailing along thinking everything is fine, or maybe you’re fighting
all the time, and have been for so long that it seems normal, and poof, you’re blindsided by a
breakup. Chances are you’re feeling hurt, confused, and more than a little angry.
One of the best, and when it ends, worst things about love is that swept away out of control
feeling. The modern man or woman is all about control. We live in a micromanaged world
where we can personal everything to suite our exact needs. From our cell phone rings to our
morning Lattes we have complete control over minute details of our lives.
Relationships challenge that. Suddenly you are ruled by emotions, you are swept away on a
tide of feeling. Another person’s happiness becomes a focus and you find yourself losing
control because of your emotional reactions. When a relationship ends you instantly feel not
only a loss of that person, but also a sea of unknowns. Where there was two there is once
again only one, and if the relationship involved cohabitation it can be even tougher, coming
home to an empty house, or eating breakfast at an empty table can be brutal. Often this
results in panic. Unfortunately panic breeds irrationality and desperation and giving into those
emotions is the mistake most of us make post breakup.
One side of your brain is screaming to get the person back and the other side is doing a
mental inventory of everything you have ever given your ex and wants it all back. Hopefully
you are reading this before you do anything foolish or the drama sets in, if not, and you have
already done something stupid, then the guidelines below may still work but the process may
take a lot longer depending on how foolish your act was.
Give it some time
Calling, texting and emailing like a maniac the night of and next day after a breakup doesn’t
make you look committed to getting back together, it makes you look pathetic and it only
annoys your partner. This is the last thing you want. They say absence makes the heart grow
fonder, so give that old saw an opportunity to work. While you’re waiting to call get yourself
organized.
By taking some time and limiting/ending communication for a period of times you avoid the
following common break up mistakes:
Saying something that is untrue or inaccurate based on your pain. We have all been there in
the moment where words come out of our mouths that we later deeply regret giving yourself
time keeps you from opening doors that once opened cannot be closed.
Saying things you know will just make your ex angry
Verbally abusing your ex and name calling
Seeming like a stalker. Texting, calling face book poking your ex until they delete your number
and take you off their friends list is not showing you care, its harassment. Think about it from

3. their point of view, don’t frighten and overwhelm your ex no matter how desperate you may be
feeling.
Bringing up past mistakes, dredging up a full laundry list of past grievances only reinforces to
your ex that they have made the right decision and makes you look petty.
Seeking revenge
Using someone to get back at your ex
These common mistakes are sure to happen if you talk to your ex while you are hurt and
upset in the first hours or days of a breakup, and these mistakes can have permanent effects!
So what if you and your ex work together or attend the same school? How do you give space
without seeming like you’re snubbing or avoiding your former partner?
The answer is simple, don’t avoid them, if you see them at work or school, the grocery or the
gym, greet them and let them make the next move. If they stop to talk be open, if they are
content to greet you back, or just wave and move on let that go. It’s all about space, flexibility
and rational action. Remember every action has a consequence, and you can make a huge
impact on your ex in a positive way by showing maturity. There is nothing wrong with going
home after and having a good cry but keep it behind closed doors and remember pain isn’t
permanent, but harassing, stalking or annoying your ex can have permanent consequences.
So how long should I give them? You might be wondering. The answer varies but a month is a
good guideline. In a month you can access your feelings, end the panic and evaluate if you
really want the relationship back. It also lets you get used to being on your own and
functioning as a complete person without a partner. Remember the healthier you are, the
healthier the relationship you’re in can be. A month can seem like a really long time, you’re
hurting NOW you want to reconcile NOW but trying to get your ex back to soon, and when
you’re in panic mode only sets you up for the above behaviors I’ve been warning you about.
Your ex also needs this time for themselves. They need to have the opportunity to miss you.
And they need to have time to experience life without you, they may find that they were
happier with you, and they may gain some perspective on your relationship.
I know some of you are thinking “A month if I wait a month they will have found someone
else!” The sad truth is if they do then the two of you were not getting back together anyway,
so you have nothing to lose except the pain and the panic.
What do I do for a month? While I’m waiting?
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