10/17/2010 Coupling Column, The Boston Globe Sunday Magazine

1. Thetwentysomethingfolkswe
doknowseemcomfortableun-
hitchedforthetimebeing.They’re
busydoingAmeriCorps,working
ongraduatedegreesandstudent
teaching,andhostingopen-mike
nights.Andthoughweconsider
ourselvesfairlysavvywhenit
comestopopculture,we’remiss-
inganincreasingnumberofrefer-
ences–atbothendsofthespec-
trum.Myeyesglazeoverwhenever
ourolderfriendsbegintalking
aboutKnightRider,anduntilear-
lierthisyearmywifethoughtLady
GagawasBritishroyalty.
Muchhasbeenwritteninre-
centyearsabouthowAmericans
arewaitinglongertogetmarried
todaythantheyusedto.In1956,
themedianageofamanatfirst
marriagewasjustshyof23years
old,whilewomenwerebarely
20.Theageoffirstmarriagewas
neverhigherthanitwasin2008
formenandwomen:28and26,
respectively.HereinMassachu-
setts,folksarewaitinglongerthan
almostanyone–30formenand28
forwomen.
MywifeandIwere21,livingin
Texas,andfreshoffourgradua-
tionfromareligiousuniversity
whenwegotmarried.Despite
thenationwidestatistics,pres-
sureinoursocialcirclewashigh
towedyoung.Thoughwealways
feltincontrolofourtimelinefor
meetingandmarrying,wehave
wonderedsincethenhowourlives
mighthavebeendifferentunder
differentcircumstances.How
wouldattendingcollegeinaplace
likeBoston,forinstance,have
shapedthewayweviewfamilylife?
ShortlyaftermovingtoBoston
severalyearsago,werealizedjust
whatananomalywewerehere.
Infact,morethanafewcurious
peopleassumedwewereonly
cohabitatingor,iftheylearnedwe
weremarried,thatwehadtotie
theknotbecauseofanunplanned
pregnancy.Thebabywouldcome
afewyearslaterintheformofa
littleboywholiveswithusand
whomweareintheprocessof
adoptingthroughthestate.Once
again,theHoltsdecidetodothings
alittledifferentlythantheirpeers.
Despiteouroutsiderstatushere,
mywifeandIbelievewe’vefound
happinessandfulfillment.We’ve
neverregrettedadaywe’vespent
togetherandhonestlyfeelrelieved
thatwefoundeachotherbefore
needingtohitupTia’satLong
Wharfafterworktolookforlove.
Somedays,thisleadsmeto
wonderwhyBostonianswaitto
settledown.Careerambitionsor
pursuitofadvanceddegreesoften
topthelistofreasonswhymany
haven’tmetalifepartner.Others
boilitdowntosimplywantingto
enjoythepartythatistheirunat-
tached20s.Butwhywait,Ithink,
toexperiencethejoysofromance,
love,andfamily–citedbynearly
everyoneofourgrandparentsas
what’smostimportant?
Otherdays,Igetit.Waitingis
aboutaskingthebigexistential
question–“WhyamIhere?”–
settingouttofindananswer,and
thenbuildingone’slifearound
thatanswer.It’saboutcollecting
enoughdiverseexperiences,meet-
ingenoughinterestingpeople,and
trying(andfailing)enoughtimes
todiscoverone’sidentityapart
fromsocialorrelationalinflu-
ences.Marriagemakesitharder
forindividualstosearchforthese
answers,especiallyifthepursuit
involvesdoingthingsthatmake
littlesenseinthecontextofafam-
ily–likeseeingtheworld,dabbling
inanumberofprofessions,ortak-
ingapilgrimageofsomekind.
ButI’darguethatwhilemar-
riagedoesmakethisexploration
harder,itdoesn’tmakeitimpos-
sible.Enjoymentcanbefoundin
bothsettlingdownearlyandwait-
ing.Itjustmayhavemoretodo
withchoosingjoythanfeelinglike
slavestocircumstance.
SteveHoltisawriterbasedin
EastBoston.Sendcommentsto
coupling@globe.com.
illustrationbykimrosen
MywifeandIareananomalyinBoston–twentysomethings
whoalreadyhavethehouseandkid.By Steve Holt
The Odd Couple
A
sIwatchedour3-year-oldrunaroundattheparkthe
otherday,ithitme:MywifeandIarecaughtbe-
tweengenerations.Surroundingmeweremanyof
ourfriendsfromtheneighborhood–dadsandmoms
intheirmid-tolate30s,afewapproachingmidlife.
ThoughmywifeandIareboth28,ourcircumstances
–marriedforsixyears(togetherfor10),homeown-
ers,adoptingalittleboy–pushusoutofthecarefree
twentysomethingcrowdandintothesettling-downone.
coupling
STORY IDEAS Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.
october 17, 2010 The Boston Globe Magazine 27