Paths for an effective communication

1. BEL 311
ENGLISH FOR ACADEMIC PURPOSES
ESSAY – MANAGING ANGER: PATHS TO AN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
PREPARED FOR:
SIR RAJASEGARAN S/O KRISHNASAMY
PREPARED BY:
DMC3H
AMAL HAZIQAH HASANUDDIN 2010211004
NURUL AMALINA MOHD RASHID 2010231164
DATE OF SUBMISSION:
12TH SEPTEMBER 2011

2. Managing Anger – Paths to an Effective Communication (Introduction)
Gyatso (1992) in his book “Introduction to Buddhism” motioned that anger is the most
typical phantom of destruction as it endangers our mind almost every day. Anger is triggered
when one is emotionally hurt, and is usually experienced as an displeasing feeling that occurs
when we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced
with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals (Mills, 2005). One will try to avenge
the offender or resurrect the situation in order to erase the anger. In retrospect, anger is an
absolutely normal and healthy human emotion. It is important to know what anger is because
when we know what anger is, we would be able to control our anger when we are angry. Even
so, American Psychological Association (APA) (2010) agrees that the manifestation of anger,
without proper measures will get out of control and turns annihilative, thus creating problems
at work, relationships and wreak havoc on your life. It is a tough task to completely eliminate
from our lives, but if we can manage and control the chains of our anger, then we can begin to
live a healthier and calmer life. (Matthew, 2006). Communication wise, a person engulfed in
anger will tend to be harsher and express his notions more openly. That is why
communication held with either one or more parties in a tense or uptight mood will turn out
badly or gives out regrettable results. Measures need to be taken to combat any psychological
causes that will result in inefficient communication between two or more. The purpose of this
paper is to learn how to manage anger and make the best use of it. In this paper we will also
find out the basis of mastering our emotions especially when we are needed to communicate
with others. We need to know the importance of having a clear head while communicating to
not offend others and worsen a situation. Managing anger wisely ensures effective
communication among peers, family members and in workplaces. In order to establish a
proper barrier towards anger, there are a few aspects that need to be covered. Firstly, it is
important to get connected to your spiritual self and have a clear mind set on your anger
problems (Singh, 2005). Secondly, using non verbal codes or sending body messages to
others in subtlest ways as possible instead of blatantly throwing tantrums and spitting
obscenities to state the obvious. As referred by Fiore (2009), it is vital to calmly inform others
using the right words on what you are upset about without jeopardizing the interpersonal
connection between you and the other party. Fourthly, learning to use anger mindfully thus
making use of it to control the situation. The last point would be the face saving acts or the
drastic measures one should take when you have lost it unknowingly (Patterson, 2011).

3. Anger is normal, and it will come out regardless of how hard you try to suppress it. There
are a few aspects that need to be covered in order to establish a proper barrier towards anger.
Firstly, as stated by Singh (2005) it is important to get connected to your spiritual self on your
anger problems. Even though others may do and say things that can upset you, you are the
only person who can control yourself and your response to others by taking delight in
forgiving anyone who has insulted you. Try to respond mindfully to others rather than just
reacting emotionally to them. The most important thing is do not start condemning your
anger, it will hit back upon you (Smith, 2010). What can we do is, just accept it as one of the
deepest instincts of human life, awaiting your recognition and your meditation to transform
the energy that is anger into energy that is compassion (Segal, 2010). Everytime you get
angry, try to separate yourself from the anger and have a clear mind set on your anger
problems. You need to be aware and awake to do this. When you are the controller of your
anger, it will dissolve the negative energy and the light of your observation would transform
your anger into compassion (Saisan, 2009). As a human being, we should not hesitate to beg
apologies from the people whom we have hurt. This would supple your ego that is creating
the problem for you. You will see that you have no time for anger any more. If we want to be
happy in life and want to be spiritual in its truest sense then, never cause pain to anyone's
heart.
The next method is by using non verbal codes or sending body messages to convey your
anger as an alternative way instead of impertinently letting it out. There are ways on how
should we do this instead of blatantly throwing tantrums and spitting obscenities to state the
obvious. Messages can be communicated through gestures and touch, by body
language or posture, by facial expression and eye contact. Since emotional message is
communicate nonverbally, you can use this communication techniques to let the other person
know you care about him or her. Your communication partner will believe what you do, more
than what you say. Nonverbal messages are the primary way we communicate our feelings,
attitudes and emotions (Reedmond, 2009). For example, when we get angry definitely we will
gave our partner a steely stare. Our brows will furrow and our arms crossed. From here we
can see that our partner has the skill to interpreting our emotional state because he or she
knows that we were angry. Besides that, we can show our facial expressions when we get
angry with tensed lower eyelid, either pursed lips or open mouth (Alto, 2006). As stated by
Mehribian (2009), our actions play a key role in establishing the emotional climate in any
relationships. Monitoring your nonverbal messages can help to de-escalate an emotion-

4. charged situation. Therefore, nonverbal communication is so important in the totalily of the
communication process.
Anger is a valid emotion, therefore you have the right to feel angry. The problem is not the
emotion of anger but the effect of it on you and those around you. In order to manage anger
and make the best of use of it, you have to choose the right words to calmly inform others
what you are upset about. If you know you are going to someone who is likely to tick you off,
prepare yourself before you meet with him or her. Assertively express your feelings, but make
a promise to yourself to not “lose it” and allow the encounter to degenerate into a shout fest.
As purposed by Alonso (2011), words are expressions of our mental attitudes, feelings,
beliefs, and expectations which are transformed in verbal explanations and recognized in
facial expressions. Words are the mirrors of human mind and give shape to our feelings.
There are words and then there are nice words to describe our feelings. Words can express our
thoughts, facilitate communication, words can hurt, words can heal and words speak our
attitude (Elliot, 2011). As we all know, words also can convey our emotions. Therefore, you
have to choose the right words and the right action towards a situation. As stated by Jonathan
(2011), keep in mind that to keep a positive personality, your reactions towards certain things
must be positive as well. Apart from that, words also can establish and at the same time could
break a strong bond between humans. For example, when we tend to use bad words when we
get angry, it will definitely can break our relationships with others, including our friends, our
partner and our family members. The important thing is, do not use profane words when we
communicate with others. A profane word is, a word that people consider obscene, rude or
insensitive (Redmond, 2011). So we have to determine the effect of the use of profanity on
the relationship. Some people might be highly offended if you were to use one or more dirty
words in a conversations. This will occur when we do get angry at times, whether in
relationship, family or at workplace. At first, you can go to him or her and express honestly
that you are angry because you did not like something about his or her behavior being
disgusting or disappointing. You can warn the person not to repeat the behavior and suggest a
solution. At the same time do not forget to forgive. Remember, it is the words that count and
you need to control your emotions so that nothing but nice words should come out to describe
your feelings (Elliot, 2011). In short, remember that words do matter. Whenever you want to
describe your feelings, use only the words that matter and convey precisely what you want to
say. Lastly it is better to be quiet than use wrong words and convey wrong message.

5. Patterson (2011) in her online article “Using Anger Mindfully” she generalizes that many
of us tend to look at anger as an entirely negative emotion. Anger can be extremely positive,
powerful and ultimately healing when used mindfully, much to the stereotyped perception on
said emotion by society. Ponlop, (2010) aptly states: “We usually think of anger as negative.
Ordinarily, our impulse would be either to cut through it and get rid of it or to transform its
intense energy into good qualities like clarity and patience”. But looking into the eyes of
modern society, anger can never seem to be channeled into anything significant as the latter in
Ponlops statement. Has it ever occur to any of us how can anger be used positively instead of
causing more problems when we exert it? Finding positivity in anger and turning the energy
against ourselves is possible and real. We are often afraid to feel its raw power, and fear that
expressing it will make us seem less than the kind compassionate people we are. However,
using anger mindfully will actually awaken our compassion, starting with compassionate
lovingkindess toward ourselves. Firstly, notice how anger manifests in your body – is it a
burning sensation in your heart? A cold tight clenching in the pit of your stomach? A flush of
heat in your face or hands? You need to become familiar with your own unique physical
“early warning signs” of anger so you could grasp its energy without overreacting. Allow the
energy of anger to wake you up to what it actually happening at that moment. (Patterson,
2011) As the anger manifests you and the insides of you, try to convert the energy into doing
something that is worthwhile. Simple everyday situation such as seeing a lady kicking a cat
who is trampling her way, pick the cat up and overview on what can you do to help the cat
instead of getting angry at the inconsiderate lady. We can relate this to Levine’s statement in
his book. “Healing into Life and Death” as he instructs us to trust our body to tell us the
appropriate course of action. He eloquently says, “the investation of anger... leads us directly
to the love beneath, to our underlying nature. When we bring anger into the area where we
can respond to it, where we can investigate it, where we can embrace it instead of becoming a
hindrance.” With this, the act of reversing our anger into a profound act is not an utopian
belief and when it is nutured well, anger can be a drive for us to strive instead of driving us up
to the wall.
Lastly would be the face saving acts. It is an act or the drastic measures should you take
when you have lost it in a sense of letting out your anger without thinking it through.
Exploding in an angry tirade may make you feel better for a moment by “getting it of your
chest”, but it usually does little to advance understanding and manage the issues at hand.
According to Goffman (2009), face saving behavior refers to strategies you used to rescue

6. our perfomance when we experience a potential or actual loss of face. When a person is very
angry or upset, that individual frequently will demonstrate poor judgment and make impulsive
decisions (Lanceley, 1999). One important objective for the person is to know strategies to
help a confrontational of their partner to reduce their own anger level and reestablish self-
control. Deescalating tactics are those that reduce the sense of acute threat or defensiveness
that the partner may be experiencing and lower the emotional tension in the interaction
between them. For example if we get angry with our partner, sometimes we blunder into
confrontations with our partner and then we are unwilling or unable to back down from those
show-down situations. Here, we can use the face-saving acts by lower down our voice and
keep smiling after we get angry with him or her. Basically, face-saving is closely linked to
defensiveness because a defensive behavior is protecting one's self-image with another person
who is challenging how we see ourselves (Folger,1997). Face saving acts is a life skills that
relevant for all people and not just those with problems controlling anger. Finding the time to
use these skills can be a challenge but thirty minutes of prevention is better than two hours of
fire fighting. A proactive approach is better than a reactive one (Albert L, 2003).
The essentials to manage your anger are everywhere and what matters most is how you
react to it. Summing up to each and every methods to aid anger problems, the first measure
would be getting connected to your spiritual side and have a clear mind set on your emotions.
This is to ensure your awareness towards your anger and how you can psychologically control
it. The second way would be the usage of non-verbal codes or sending body messages to
others in the sublest form of way as a warning for others and a control shift for us to not
destroy any interpersonal connection between you and the other party. Third technique is
chosing the right words to inform others about your disagreement or uneasiness to others.
This technique is vital in order to be mindful of your loved ones, acquaintances and such. By
stringing the right words, it could calm you down and you are less likely to be influenced by
your anger due to choice of words. Learning to use anger mindfully and making it control the
situation would be the fourth point. Instead of channeling your anger to scold, loathe or detest
someone or a situation, reverse your act and exert the energy by thinking what can you do to
improve the situation or help the person whilst helping you to calm down. Fifth method would
be the face saving acts to cover up and make up just incase you have lost your temper
unknowingly. This is to help maintain a relationship even after you have hurt another party
and to regain your self-control back again. This tool of anger management works much better

7. if you commit in return within a reasonable amount of time to work things out and work on
your “self-talk” while trying to cool down. In a nutshell, persons who manage their anger well
have better relationships, better health, and more occupational success than those who manage
their anger poorly.

8. References
Beebe, S. A. (2008). Verbal Communication Skills. In Interpersonal Communication Skills
(pp. 153-182). Pearson Education, Inc.
Gyatso, G. K. (2007). Anger Management Techniques. Retrieved June 2011, from Anger
Management Techniques: http://www.anger-management-techniques.org/about-us.htm/
Patterson, B. (2011). Using Anger Mindfully. Retrieved June 2011, from SelfGrowth.com:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/using-anger-mindfully
Redmond, M. V. (2008). Nonverbal Communication Skills. In Interpersonal Communication
Skills (pp. 185-195).
Singh, D. R. (2005, February Tuesday). Anger Management - Mind Matters. Retrieved March
Friday, 2011, from Malaysian Psychiatric Association: http://www.psychiatry-
malaysia.org/article.php?aid=25
Steven A. Beebe, S. J. (2011). Listening and Responding Skills. Interpersonal
Communication - Relating to Others , pp. 137-139.
Steven A. Beebe, S. J. (2011). Words of Support. Interpersonal Communication - Relating to
Others , pp. 171-176.
The Policy of Radical Honesty. (n.d.). Retrieved March Monday, 2011, from Marriage
Builders: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html