Conversations about conflict provide parties with the opportunity to examine their own actions and
reactions. This process of reexamination inevitably evokes people’s natural defensive mechanisms.
Defensiveness prevents people from learning and blocks the potential for transformation to occur. This
workshop will look at the internal and external causes of defensiveness, as well as ways that mediators can
intentionally work with this natural phenomena.
2. Courageous Conversations
What do people want from
mediation….
• The other person to take responsibility
• The other person to change
• Work to not hurt and feel safe again.
• The past to not repeat itself
“Past behaviour is the best predictor of the
future behaviour.”
3. Courageous Conversations
Therefore what needs to happen
in the mediation process….
• Both parties must be open to see the situation
differently (and understand that they only have it
partly right)
• Both parties must take some responsibility for
what has happened.
• Both parties must learn something about
themselves and live differently in the future.
• Both parties must learn the wisdom of where to
accept differences and where to insist on change.
4. Courageous Conversations
• Defensiveness is a behavioural response to a
perceived threat or attack to ones face or self-
esteem.
• It is the result of what and how something is
communicated.
5. Courageous Conversations
View Clip
• Place yourself in the clip. The meeting leader,
Louise, Dave and their colleagues.
• What do you physically feel? What are you
thinking?
8. Courageous Conversations
Case Study (part 1)
• Think about a recent conversation where you
felt defensive.
• What happened in your body at that
moment?
• What did the other person say/do that
triggered that feeling?
• Why did you feel defensive? How did you
interpret the situation?
9. Courageous Conversations
Why were you Defensive?
• We are embarrassed
• We are humiliated or feel stupid
• We don’t see ourselves that way
• We feel betrayed
• We don’t think that the person has the right to give us that
information
• We are reminded of earlier negative experiences
• We feel a sense of failure
• We feel forced to make a change, and change is difficult
• We grew up in an atmosphere where negative feedback was
experienced as a bad thing.
• Other….
11. Courageous Conversations
Two Pathways of the Brain
1. The first path is thoughtful one through our
consciousness that allows us to become
aware, feel the emotion, comprehend its
meaning and ultimately choose an
appropriate action.
2. The second path (much faster) is designed to
take immediate defensive action, focusing on
bodily responses. This happens
unconsciously.
13. Courageous Conversations
“Our civilization is still in a middle
stage, scarcely beast, in that it is no
longer guided by instinct, scarcely
human in that it is not yet wholly
guided by reason.”
Theodore Drieser
14. Courageous Conversations
Cognitive Dissonance
• Dissonance occurs when there are two
attitudes or an attitude and behaviour that
conflict.
• This feeling of dissonance causes discomfort
and depending on the larger context can be
extremely disorienting (and even painful).
15. Courageous Conversations
Two Contexts….
1. When you have invested time, money, reputation,
effort, or pain in some activity or some belief that
turns out to be wrong or baseless or foolish.
2. When a central element of our self concept is
threatened i.e. competent, kind, hard working.
The more important the belief is to us, the more
central to our self identify and feelings of self
worth the harder it will be to accept dissonance
information
16. Courageous Conversations
Most people have a reasonably positive self-
concept, believing themselves to be
competent, moral, and smart. Their efforts at
reducing dissonance will be designed to
preserve their positive self-image.
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Harcourt, 2007
17. Courageous Conversations
Sigmund Freud claimed that defensiveness
happens when we are presented with an
‘unbearable idea’. An ‘unbearable idea’ is
one, whether conscious or unconscious, that
makes us unacceptable to ourselves.
18. Courageous Conversations
Three Core Identities
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen Penguin, 1999
1. I am competent
2. I am a good person
3. I am worthy of love
1. Am I competent?
2. Am I a good person?
3. Am I worthy of
love?
19. Courageous Conversations
Case Study continued (2)
• How would you be experiencing cognitive
dissonance in your scenario?
• What core identity is being challenged?
20. Courageous Conversations
Typical Responses
1. Surrender
• Giving in, blaming yourself, making excuses for other
2. Withdraw
• Avoiding talking about it
3. Counterattack
• Responding by making excuses
• Attacking the other person’s position
“Taking the War Out of Our Words” by Sharon Strand Ellision
22. Courageous Conversations
Common Defensive
Mechanisms
• Sarcasm
• Rigidity
• Blaming
• Shaming
• Teaching
• Preaching
• Catastrophizing
• Trivializing
• Endless explaining
• Withdrawing into silence
• Loss of humour
• All-or-nothing thinking
23. Courageous Conversations
Case Study continued (3)
• What did you do in response to the situation?
• What are some of your well used defensive
strategies?
• What are the consequences of these
strategies?
25. Courageous Conversations
What you can do to
communicate differently
• Defensiveness is the result of what and how
something is communicated.
• Living and working with other people requires us
to communicate the what. The good news is
that we can determine the how.
27. Courageous Conversations
Meaning Making…
We are meaning making people. We are
constantly creating stories about the
motivations and intentions of other people (and
they are doing the same). We quickly believe
our stories to be true and repeat them in our
heads and to our closest colleagues, not to
mention our friends and family members.
28. Courageous Conversations
The Gibb Categories of Defensive and
Supportive Behaviors
Defensive Behaviors Supportive Behaviors
1. Evaluation 1. Description
2. Control 2. Problem Orientation
3. Strategy 3. Spontaneity
4. Neutrality 4. Empathy
5. Superiority 5. Equality
6. Certainty 6. Provisionalism
31. Courageous Conversations
“Observing without evaluating
is the highest form of human
intelligence.”
By J. Krishnamurti
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion
Marshall B. Rosenberg p. 29
34. Courageous Conversations
Examples
Controlling: “You need to stay off the phone for the
next two hours.”
Problem orientation: “I’m expecting some important
calls. Can we work out a way to keep the line open?”
Controlling: “There’s only one way to handle this
problem.”
Problem orientation: “Lets work out a solution we can
both live with.”
35. Courageous Conversations
Strategic/Spontaneity
Strategic – The conversation is experienced as a
strategy (technique) with unexplained
motivations.
Spontaneity – You are experienced as having
uncomplicated motivations, as being straight
forward and honest in response to a situation.
36. Courageous Conversations
Example
Strategy: “My previous boss would meet with
me once a week and ask me about my ‘home
runs’ and ‘do overs’.”
Spontaneous: “I would love to meet once a
week and select priorities and do any problem
solving required from the previous week.”
39. Courageous Conversations
Superiority/Equality
Superiority – When you communicate that you
are superior in some way (e.g. position,
knowledge).
Equality – You communicate willingness to enter
into collaborative participative planning with
mutual respect and trust.
41. Courageous Conversations
Certainty/Provisionalism
Certainty – You are perceived to be absolutely
certain about your facts and interpretations
Provisionalism – Person appears to be exploring
issues rather than taking sides on them, to be
problem solving rather than debating.
42. Courageous Conversations
Examples
Certain: “That will never work!”
Provisional: “I think you’ll run into problems
with that approach.”
Certain: “You don’t know what you’re talking
about!”
Provisional: “That is a new idea. How did you
come up with that?”
44. Courageous Conversations
“The truth is that many confrontations fail not
because others are bad and wrong but
because we handle them poorly.” p. 46
Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, McGraw
Hill, 2005
46. Courageous Conversations
Defensiveness lingers….
That energy surge from our heighten state of
readiness (adrenalin) takes 20 minutes to 1 hour to
dissipate. During that time people will not be able
to think clearly. The time becomes even longer if
someone does something to keep it going. Which
is usually what happens.
47. Courageous Conversations
You can’t talk someone out of being defensive.
You can prompt a different feeling so that the
physiology of the brain can shift back into a non
defensive state.
48. Courageous Conversations
So if they are defensive....
1. Set aside you agenda.
2. Listen to their words: their fears, needs, hopes,
disappointments.
3. Paraphrase what you have heard (i.e. their fears, needs, wants
and hopes). For example, “You need me to know that you have spent a lot of
extra time on this project.”
4. Take responsibility for something (i.e. “I should have shared this
concern with you earlier.”)
5. Ask questions to understand (i.e. lowering your voice at the end
of the question).
6. And then when they are again able to engage in content,
problem solve together.
49. Courageous Conversations
The most important thing
you can do….
If you can ask a question or make a statement in a
non defensive way the person is likely to shift
instantly – as if your presence is contagious.
This is only possible if you are non defensive and
skillful!
52. Courageous Conversations
“They started it.”
The “eternally popular dissonance reducer”
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Harcourt, 2007
53. Courageous Conversations
Self Justification
Comes from our need to defend ourselves and
reduce the discomfort of ‘cognitive
dissonance’.
This is accompanied with the energy that is
coursing through our veins and being
expressed in our tone and body language.
54. Courageous Conversations
“Pain felt is always more intense than
pain inflicted.” p. 192
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Travis and Elliot Aronson, Harcourt, 2007
56. Courageous Conversations
So why don’t people admit to
their/our mistakes….
1. We aren’t aware that we need to. “What
mistake? I didn’t make a mistake.”
2. Our culture is mistake-phobic, linking mistakes
with incompetence and stupidity that will be
punished.
57. Courageous Conversations
Options….
• Being defensive is our primarily strategy to
self protection.
• What are other options?
“To be open is to be vulnerable,
and to be vulnerable is to be weak.”
58. Courageous Conversations
Three things to Accept about
Yourself
1. You will make mistakes
2. Your intentions are complex
• Conscious
• Less conscious
• Unconscious
3. You have contributed to the problem
59. Courageous Conversations
Reasons to admit your
mistakes
• You will probably be found out anyway
• You will learn and grow
• You undoubtedly did something that resulted in
making the situation worse
• You can lead by example
• People will like you more
61. Courageous Conversations
The irony
“The mind wants to protect itself from the pain of
dissonance with the balm of self-justification, but
the soul wants to confess.” (p. 217)
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), Carol Travis and Elliot Aronson, Harcourt, 2007
63. Courageous Conversations
Translation to mediation
One on One both before the joint mediation
session and in between sessions….
•“You are a good person with positive intent”
•Replace meaning making with specific
situations/stories (i.e. controlling, bully,
disrespectful, ist) and teach intent, action effect.
•Question: “If it was true, what would it mean
about you?”
64. Courageous Conversations
Mediation Session
Introduction:
•Show a sculpture (different stories/meanings)
•Remind them of Intent Action and Effect and
remind/invite people to not about facts
(actions) and let person share why they did
what they did (intent) and say away from
meaning making.
•You may feel defensive (you are welcome to
call a break)
65. Courageous Conversations
Closing Mediation Session re story telling
•Need to re-story your narrative.
•Retraining your brain
•Tell your support person new information
Final Mediation Session
•Knowing what you know now what do you wish you
would have done differently (taking responsibility)
•What are you willing to offer the other person. Review
list of needs – what else do you need that has not been
mentioned.
67. Courageous Conversations
Metta Meditation
• May ____________ be peaceful and happy
• May ____________ be safe and free from harm
• May ____________ be protected from mental and
physical disease
• May ____________ take care of him/herself with
ease
Repeat 5 to 7 times for yourself and/or for the other
person
69. Courageous Conversations
References
• The Emotional Brain by Joseph E. Ledoux
• Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) by Carol
Tavris & Elliot Aronson
• Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon
Strand Ellison
• Jack Gibb work on supportive and defensive
communication climates.
www.janetschmidt.ca (coming soon)