4. Talking with Teenagers
What do you want to get out of
the workshop today?
Confidentiality
In order to feel comfortable please understand that anything shared in
discussion remains within this room
5. Talking with Teenagers
This workshop is about understanding
and appreciating the situations you and
your teenagers are in so that you can
make more empowering choices
6. Talking with Teenagers
It is not about getting teenagers
to do what you want by turning
them into perfect teen-robots
who automatically obey and
respect you simply because you
are their parent.
8. Talking with Teenagers
What is different about teenage years?
0-6 Teacher role - child learns from you everything
they need to know and usually they want to
7-12 Manager role – organising. Not learning to read
but reading to learn. Learns from a much wider social
context
13 + Coaching role- Life outside of family has a
greater impact and you have been fired as manger. “I can
make my own decisions !!!” Your role is to find your role
and provide guidance and advice.
10. Talking with Teenagers
A key principle of NLP
Emotions are facts.
Emotions, even if self generated will affect behaviour and
communication on a daily basis. You interpret all of your
experiences through a filter of emotional interpretation.
You create your own internal map of reality
11. Hormones
•Testosterone, Oestrogen – drive body
changes in adolescence
•THP (allopregnanolone)
calms anxiety in adults
Increases anxiety in adolescents.
12. Cerebellum. Motor activity, posture, movement. Continues to
develop into late adolescence.
Pineal gland. Produces melatonin – sleep hormone. Rhythm
changes in adolescence.
Right ventral striatum. Motivates reward seeking behaviour.
prompts extreme, risky behaviour? Emotional motivation
Prefrontal cortex. Executive functioning, impulse control.
Developing into early 20’s. Over-ridden by amagdala
Brain development
13. Social Context
Robert Epstein;
The case against adolescence.
“Teenagers are trying to break away from
adults, rather than become adults…”
Excluded from adult institutions.
Treated as incompetent.
Denied freedom of choice.
14. Three tasks of development
Rationality
Morality
Identity
15. Rationality – Jean Piaget
•Children and adults reason differently
•Four stages – each builds on the former
•Final stage continues into adulthood
•Mechanism is peer interaction / reflection
16. Morality – Lawrence Kohlberg
•Six stages
Because you said so
You scratch my back...
I want you to want me
All for one
With God on our side
Get my halo ready, here I come.
•Development continues into
adulthood
•Mechanism is peer interaction,
reflection
17. Identity – Erik Erikson
Five stages of personality
development-
security…
autonomy…
initiative…
competence…
Identity
Process – editing narrative of
life experience, including
feedback from others
18. Group exercise:
same needs, different stages
Things
children
do that
adults
don’t
Things
adults do
that
children
don’t
Things teens
do that adults
would prefer
they didn’t
19. Human givens
The starting point to understanding
human givens is … that all living
things have to take nutriment from
the environment to develop and
sustain themselves. We can easily
identify each nutriment because
when we are born nature makes us
feel a need for it.
20. Human givens
We are all born with essential
physical and emotional needs.
These needs … are our common
biological inheritance, whatever our
cultural background.
Whenever our emotional needs are
not met, or when our resources are
being used incorrectly, we suffer
considerable distress. And so do
those around us.
21. Our emotional needs include…
Security (stable home life and a safe territory to live in);
Intimacy and friendship;
To give and receive attention;
A sense of autonomy and control;
To feel connected to others and be part of a wider
community;
To feel competent which comes from successful learning
and effectively applying skills
Privacy (to reflect on and consolidate our experiences)
To be ‘stretched’ in what we do, from which comes our
sense that life is meaningful.
22. Group exercise:
same needs, different stages
Things
children
do that
adults
don’t
Things
adults do
that
children
don’t
Things
teenagers do
that adults
would prefer
they didn’t
Essential
emotional needs
23. Talking with Teenagers
A Key principle of NLP
There are no difficult children, just difficult relationships and
inflexible adults.
‘Difficult’ children are those you give up on when you cease to be
flexible in you response and communication. Resistance is not so
much an attribute of them but more a measure of your inflexibility
of response.
This can be hard to believe, but experiment with pretending that
you believe it and see……..
24. Talking with Pre-teens
Another key principle of NLP
Every behaviour has a positive intention behind it.
‘Whatever it seems like to you, their behaviour is intended to be
useful to them or to protect their well being. Try to interpret the
underlying message from the behaviour and not the behaviour
itself.
What need does the individual think will be met by acting in this
way?
26. Talking with Teenagers
Most common complaint is that no one listens to them
Talking to - Talking with - Listening to
Using positive language to set the tone
Don’t think about your feet
27. Talking with Teenagers
Try these - think of another way to say
•Don’t walk in here with muddy shoes
•Get your feet off the table
•The music’s too loud
•You’re wrong
•That skirt is too short
•I’m busy
•If you don’t do your homework you’ll fail your exam
•You can’t go to see Sue today because she’s at work
28. Talking with Teenagers
Who is talking to whom?
Say ‘with’ or ‘we talk about’
How long is this going to go on for?
Arrange a time/place/limit
29. Talking with Teenagers
Some strategies
Activity – using strategies
Describe
Give Information
Say one word
Talk about your feelings
