“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.”

2. A Satire
(Second Edition)
Hydery A. Rehmanjee
Company Life

3. ‘Company Life’ - A Satire
Created by Hydery A. Rehmanjee
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
First Edition 2003
Second Edition 2017

4. P R E F A C E
About two years ago, whilst reminiscing on some of the more humorous aspects
of Company Life, I began writing an essay, which probably reflected my mood at
that time. After I finished writing the essay I decided on the title ‘Company Life.’
Because I enjoyed reading what I had written, I thought it might be a good idea
to share the experience with others. It was therefore offered to a business
magazine which published it after some editing, in May 2001, under the title
‘Insider Trading.’ The title was theirs, not mine. The editing, I thought, had taken
some of the ‘punch’ out of the essay.
Subsequent to the publication of my essay, I received many messages from
readers saying how much they had enjoyed reading it. I therefore thought of
publishing the essay in its original form. I hope readers will enjoy it even more.
Please do have a hearty laugh or a quiet chuckle. However, if you happen to
perceive in it a similarity to any one of your own experiences, that I must hasten
to add, would be purely coincidental.
“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.”
Hydery A. Rehmanjee
3, Canal Lane, off 37th Lane,
Colombo 6, Sri Lanka.
26th August 2003
E-mail: hyderyr@gmail.com
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5. P R E F A C E
(Second Edition)
The first edition of “Company Life,” released in August 2003 appears to have
been much appreciated. I was somewhat surprised when a senior executive
from the corporate sector informed me that he had read “Company Life” when
he felt depressed. Though I did not intend it to be an antidote for depression, it
appears that my Satire has had some unintended consequences, positive
fortunately.
In this second edition I have made a few changes, to the first one mainly with
regard to the titles of certain sections and the general presentation. I have added
two more sections. One on “Meetings” and the other on “Cocktail Parties” both
very much a part of the corporate merry-go-round. I hope readers will find this
second edition even more enjoyable.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and
those who matter don’t mind.”
Dr. T. Seuss Geisel
Writer, Poet and Cartoonist
Hydery A. Rehmanjee
E-mail: hyderyr@gmail.com
Date : 26th May 2017
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6. COMPANY LIFE
“The time has come”, the Waltus said
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing wax
Of cabbages – and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings”
Source: Walrus and the Carpenter – Lewis Carroll
“NEVER MISTAKE ACTIVITY FOR ACHIEVEMENT” - John Wooden -
Life at the top in a large company may appear enviable and glamorous – a life
associated with travel abroad, endless cocktail parties, company car and a generous
expense account. Insiders however, know better.
Reaching the top may not always be very difficult. After all, it is what you appear to
be doing rather than what you actually achieve, which gets you there. Remaining at
the top however, is altogether a different matter. Survival will require mastery of
many skills. Some of the more important ones will be, decision postponement
techniques, dynamic inaction and of course creative status quo.
Quite a number reaching the top soon realise that the job they are expected to do is
beyond their competency. Having figured this out, they will actually cease to apply
their mind to it. They will instead substitute zealous concern with the internal
organization of the office. This is what I call the ‘side issue technique.’ A rather
innovative ‘side issue technique’ is the ‘Balanced Scorecard.’ A very useful device
to divert attention from disastrous financial results – Look after the molehills and
the mountain will look after itself.
A famous Roman, Gaius Petronius, observed that when people in positions of
responsibility had no real idea what to do in a particular situation, they would
invariably reorganize. Nothing has changed in two thousand years!
I have seen decades of reorganizations in the companies at which I have worked –
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7. done a few myself and been at the receiving end sometimes. A new Chief always
reorganizes. This is standard practice whether it is the Chief Executive, Manager or
Section Head. They have to show their arrival as a watershed, that things will be
done differently from now on, and of course, they have to bring their own people in.
By implication, the message is that they are doing better than their predecessor, who
can of course be blamed – at least for a while! Reorganization can also be a good
way to ensure that there is an alibi, if things go wrong.
“THE TRUE USE OF SPEECH IS NOT SO MUCH TO EXPRESS OUR
THOUGHTS BUT TO CONCEAL THEM”
- Oliver Goldsmith -
Let us consider another important part of company life – communication.
Seasoned managers know that the real purpose of communication within a
company is anything but to communicate. This means the use of ‘officialese’ which
is a form of writing in which you understand only the words but none of the
sentences. There are two kinds of ‘officialese’ – one is hard to understand and the
other easy to misunderstand.
“ALAS! REGARDLESS OF THEIR DOOM, THE LITTLE VICTIMS PLAY. NO
SENSE HAVE THEY OF ILLS TO COME, NOR CARE BEYOND TODAY”
- Thomas Gray -
A more subtle and perhaps rewarding part of company life is the ‘anxiety game’.
The adroit manager knows how to pass the buck without really seeming to, by
transferring his anxiety to some other hapless executive. It is rather like a sinister
game of musical chairs – you want to make sure you have got your seat secure when
the music stops.
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8. 5
There are three principal anxiety routes. Take for instance a project that is
failing. The ‘lateral transfer’ could be an escape route. Here, the idea is to get a
person, preferably a specialist, assigned to the project. (“You know Felix, the
problem is really research oriented, let us use Anton’s expertise.”) When the time
bomb explodes Anton will have to be pretty nimble to escape absorbing the blame.
(“Felix I know you share my disappointment about Anton.”) If by any chance
everything turns out well, you can take the credit. (“I am glad old Anton was able to
follow my brief. ”) Either way, one has passed on anxiety and responsibility, whilst
appearing ‘managerial.’
Next is the ‘upward transfer.’ This can take several
forms but the one that appears to be relatively
superior is the ‘snakes and ladders’. In this case, you
present your boss with a number of options, which
can make you look highly resourceful. You flatter the
guy by asking for his professional advice. If the
project is sensitive, he too will start working on a
‘lateral’ or ‘upward’ transfer.
There is also the ‘downward transfer.’ Under the
guise of good delegation, you assume a guiding
manner and push your responsibility for something
nasty, down to the middle manager, who reports to
you. (“Now look Basil, I am giving you the
opportunity to prove yourself before the management
committee. It is good for you to have the exposure. Use the idea of mine if you like.
It’s up to you. Don’t worry if people criticise. I’ll be there to help you.”)
You bet he will be there to help. If the project fails and Basil joins the walking
wounded, you can share the shrugs with that disappointed look. And if he pulls it
off, you can smile expansively and take the credit.
“WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH THE TOUGH GET GOING”
- An Old Adage -
Seasoned anxiety game players are great practitioners of the planned crisis. The

9. idea is to create a diversion, under cover of which, anxiety for a real business
problem can be transferred. For example, the failure to achieve key sales targets
can be camouflaged by dramatizing on the economic conditions in the country, the
severe competition and, just to dangle a carrot to superiors, the opportunities
ahead. You then invoke some urgent business and travel out. After all, as the old
adage says, ‘when the going gets tough the tough get going.’ Just before
leaving, you send a memo to your subordinates marked ‘Very urgent’ and ask for a
report on what they (not you, of course) intend doing to correct the situation. You
refer to several ancient and voluminous documents just to provide additional cover,
if things turn out to be really bad.
Virtually, every piece of paper circulating in a company has an ‘anxiety value.’ The
expert knows how to exploit this and create an ‘anxiety gap’ between him and his
colleagues. Seasoned players find the email an ideal anxiety vehicle. Imagine
returning home on a Friday evening, after a hard day in office, to find an email,
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‘Urgent.’ “Please prepare a report on
the sales drop and action to be taken, for
Monday morning Board meeting. Have a
nice weekend.” Hugh A. Rosairo.
There is nothing like transferring anxiety
to enjoy a quiet weekend.
“YOU CAN DO REAL WORK OR GO FOR A MEETING BUT YOU CANNOT DO
BOTH” - Peter Drucker -
Try to contact a senior executive in any company, and the chances are that, you will
be informed by his or her secretary or an assistant, that the worthy is “attending a
meeting.” Furthermore, you are unlikely to be informed as to when he or she will
return. You may leave your contact number. However, the chances of the call being
returned will be remote. Returning a call being an important part of customer
relations does not seem to be recognised by many companies, some of whom
produce voluminous Annual Reports with many pages on “Corporate Governance”
and “Customer Relations.”

10. A few years ago a Japanese company realising the time wasted at meetings decided
to set an example starting at the highest level. They decided to conduct Board
meetings without any chairs. The Directors were standing throughout the meeting.
No coffee was served. It was found that the time duration of the Board meetings
reduced by as much as 50% to 60%. The shortened Board meetings had no material
affect either on the quality or quantum of business done. In fact, Board decisions
appeared to be more clear and concise.
Seasoned Managers know that one way of avoiding taking decisions and diffusing
responsibility is to summon a meeting. It is also helpful when one feels lonely and
would like some people around. Ego boosting could be a side benefit.
A meeting can be a useful means to:
- Summon people and feel important
- Pass the buck
- Avoid being in office and doing some real work
It is true that “hard work has not killed anybody,” but then why take the chance.
Meetings can become a treadmill to pointless collective activity. One can allow
meetings to drag on for hours, order pizzas and more, all on company time and
expense of course.
I have attended many meetings during the course of a long career in the corporate
sector. I have often observed, that the work done at these meetings is usually in
inverse proportion to the amount of talking. Many attending meetings seem to see
the need to say something even though they may not have something to say. To assist
such persons or anybody else who may consider it useful, a Buzz-Phrase Generator
(BPG) has been compiled. One can drop phrases from the BPG at any meeting. It
will give the appearance of being a knowledgeable authority and at the same time,
hopefully, not be bothered by any further questions.
The originator of the BPG is not known. However, the author would like to
acknowledge this persons’ special contribution to the “Art of Management.”
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11. Instruction for use: Think of a three-digit number at random. Take the
corresponding word from each column. Combine them into a phrase: e.g. 724 gives
you “optimum organizational mobility,” 262 gives “overall logistical flexibility.” The
total harvest of buzz phrases that this table can generate is 1,000 (10 X 10 X 10)
BUZZ-PHRASE GENERATOR (BPG)
COLUMN 1 COLUMN 2 COLUMN 3
1 integrated
2 overall
3 systematised
4 parallel
5 functional
6 responsive
7 optimum
8 synchronised
9 compatible
10 balanced
1 management
2 organizational
3 monitored
4 reciprocal
5 digital
6 logistical
7 transitional
8 incremental
9 third-generation
10 policy
1 options
2 flexibility
3 capability
4 mobility
5 programming
6 concept
7 time-phase
8 projection
9 hardware
10 contingency
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12. “WE, ALL OF US, LIVE TOO MUCH IN A CIRCLE”
- Benjamin Disraeli -
The Cocktail circuit is very much a part of corporate life. It is a form of hospitality
without any warmth or feeling. Simply a useful device for getting rid of official
obligations hurriedly or making overtures towards a more beneficial relationship in
the future. Some call it “networking.”
You are invited to cocktails mainly because the host considers you useful in one way
or another to further their business interest. If is said that you can judge the
character of others by observing how they treat those who they think can do nothing
for them. By this standard, if you fall into the category of someone who can do
nothing for the corporate worthies, you are unlikely to be a part of the cocktail
circuit. No amount of knowledge, ability or even friendship will compensate for
your lack of “usefulness.” You scratch my back I scratch yours. That is the name of
the game.
During the course of my career in the corporate sector I have had to attend many
cocktail parties. Thrown a few myself. I have considered both a part of my business
chores. However, it has always been interesting to watch the “chattering” class of
the cocktail circuit in action.
One usually sees groups of invitees with a drink in hand talking to each other or so
it appears. It is not unusual for one or more of them, to peer over the shoulder of
someone in front of them to see who they can “network with” next.
Many show a façade of propriety, even though they may be the opposite in real life.
Oscar Wilde once advised “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” This is
rarely seen at a cocktail party.
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