Here is a potential example using the needs-based communication framework for a minor issue: Lead in: "I want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me lately." Observation: "When you've been leaving empty milk cartons in the fridge..." Context: "I feel frustrated because I have a need for an organized fridge so things are easy to find." Request: "Would you mind making sure to throw out empty cartons when you finish the milk? That would really help keep things tidy in there." The goal is to address the issue respectfully by focusing on needs, making an observable request, and finding a collaborative solution.

1. April 20, 2017
Leading People:
The Art of Being Truly Present
Kris Mailepors, MBA
kris@bushidoleadership.com

2. *A Whole New Mind: Study - I.Q. accounts for 4-8%
of leadership success. The rest is integrity, trust,
authenticity, creativity, honestly, resilience
*Center for Creative Leadership (2015); 85% of all
careers are derailed or capped for reasons related
to emotional competencies (poorly handling
interpersonal conflict, poor leadership in difficult
times, can’t elicit trust)
NOT: education, skills
Your team’s success in the current era of
healthcare depends on your ability to engage
leaders (VPs, Directors, Community) in
conversations that provoke significant change.

3. *It is inevitable
*It arises from assumptions
*It arises from Misunderstanding (ambiguity or
miscommunication)
*Conflict is healthy, but needs to be managed
*Can create increased trust, but also tension
*There is more than one way to resolve it
*Is it just at work??

4. *Managing Conflict: Errors_
*Avoiding?
*Giving in?
*Collaborating with others?
*Compromising?
*Starting with demands?
*Handling via email?
Communicating

5. BEING PRESENT STARTS WITH INNER PRESENCE
People who score high in areas of emotional intelligence:
1. THEY CAN HANDLE PRESSURE HEALTHILY
2. THEY UNDERSTAND AND COOPERATE WITH OTHERS
3. THEY’RE GOOD LISTENERS
4. THEY’RE MORE OPEN TO FEEDBACK
5. THEY’RE EMPATHETIC
6. THEY SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS TO FOLLOW
7. THEY MAKE MORE THOUGHTFUL AND THOROUGH DECISIONS

6. A Skill can only serve you if:
1. You Develop, grow, and polish it
2. You access the tools to utilize it

7. Disappointing Results at work are usually in line
with disappointing results at home

8. This isn’t new to anyone; like saving $$ when you’re young
Recognize how important it is to you
…to your team
…to your family
Revisit this often; be diligent
Openly engage and challenge your teammates prioritize this

10. Anyone used it?
How do you apply it?

11. *Cruel? Threatening? Or independent, loyal?
Ever been in a tough interaction and wonder “how did it ever
get this bad?”
Blaming isn’t the answer…neither is cocooning. We avoid many
things because it’s a polite relationship
_____________________________
The issue may not be your fault…
…but it’s your responsibility. Today, you are playing a role

12. The issue may not be your fault…
…but it’s your responsibility.
Today, you are playing a role

13. Ever say these things?
“It’s the principle of it”
“I Pick my battles…”
“Why wreck another meeting”
“I take the high road” (lame excuse)
The NON-Conversation is expen$ive! Why? What’s the cost??
Risk: Being honest/real/authentic/transparent is not what we’re
afraid of.
*We’re afraid of being known
*Being seen
*Being changed

14. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
We have mental models – it’s how we make sense of the world
Your routines – what happens when someone messes with them?
(commute, policy, process, meds, supplies…)
There is something in is that responds deeply to people who will
level with us
What if… “you’re the problem?”

21. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
Ask yourself:
What are my goals when I converse with people (this person)?
How often do I find myself—just to be polite—saying something I don’t
mean?
How many meetings have I been to where the real issues were not
discussed? (in marriage?) What issues are we just avoiding for peace?
What conversation have I not been able to have with (VP, colleague,
employee, MYSELF), that if I were to have it, it could change
everything?

22. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
3 Stages to Interrogate Reality & get to the truth…
1. ID the issue on the table
Make a proposal if you have one: “this is my idea, here’s how I see it”
Well-defined ideas are a great jumping off point, even if rejected (dummy idea)
2. Check for understanding (Questions to clarify)
3. Check for agreement
“if you see it differently, I’d like to hear it” (call on people)
Resist the urge to defend yourself or build a stronger case…
“apparently, you haven’t grasped the brilliance of my idea”
Inquire about their opinion
Look to people with the best vantage point, not the experienced

23. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
Working under competing realities
is like nailing Jello to the wall
GET IT?? “INTERROGATE” = QUESTION
**secret rule to being present and finding the truth: questions
(SEE HANDOUTS)

24. SAM & JACKIE

25. VIDEO: PATIENT-CENTERED CARE
Watch for content: list 5 of the concerns you see
Watch for emotion: what are the 3 heaviest circumstances
Watch for intent: What is this video trying to convey to Nurses?
You almost never pay attention to all three… That’s being present

26. THREE Aspects to any
interaction
1.The external behavior
2.MY internal experience
3.YOUR internal experience

27. Area of Expertise:
*My motivation
*My intention
Area of Expertise:
*Effects on you
*Impact on you

28. Area of Expertise:
*Effects on me
*Impact on me
Area of Expertise:
*Your Motivation
*Your intention

30. Needs – Based Communication
Every emotion/feeling we have is created by a need we have that
has either:
*been satisfied, or
*been prevented from being satisfied
This is a basic premise of understanding the
root cause
of the conflict

31. How NOT to share feelings:
“I feel like…”
“I feel that…”
These are not feelings, but veiled accusations.
They create more tension because the speaker isn’t even taking
responsibility for the accusation

32. How NOT to share feelings:
Passive verbs:
accused, ignored, abandoned, put down, misunderstood, bullied,
betrayed, cornered, manipulated, unappreciated, rejected,
threatened
These express how we interpret each other, rather than how we are
actually feeling
Using these passive verbs are another way to make accusations
without even giving proof
These “feelings” when expressed can only create anger, frustration or
sadness in the other person

33. Observation Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request with
complete context and
get what you need

34. Lead in: (be as non-threatening as possible)
“I want to talk to you about the effect your (effort, work
style/leadership style) is having on (me, the
department, etc)”
Observation:
“when you __________”
(specific and observable…probably not deniable)

35. Context: (emotional impact of that behavior)
I feel ___________
*OR*
Colleagues/they feel ____________
Because I/we/they have a need for _____________
(challenge yourself to not be vague…instead of saying “I
have a need for respect” ask yourself “what does respect
look like?” …the statement might look more like “I have a
need for people to listen to me without interrupting”)
Request: So what can I do to help with ________
(a collaborative statement to improve the behavior)

36. Let’s Try an Exercise
Pick an issue, challenge, or recent problem
On an intensity scale of 1-10, a 4 or less
(so expired milk, big cell phone bill, bad traffic)