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GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY
 METHOD PRESENTATION #3
GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY
 METHOD PRESENTATION #3
GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY
 METHOD PRESENTATION #3
            “When it comes
          to the treatment of
         relationships, I must
            consider myself
           utterly at a loss!”
            Sigmund Freud (1912)
Sound Marital House
Sound Marital House
                   cREATING
                sHARED mEANING


           Making Dreams come true
              4 Parts of Problem Solving &
             Dialogue with perpetual issues

           Positive Sentiment Override

                Turning Towards vs
                   Turning Away

            Fondness & admiration

                   LOVE MAPS
Intervention Assumptions
Intervention Assumptions
Intervention Assumptions




           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions




          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions




            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions




               Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions




            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions




          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic




            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
              Therapy should be dyadic
      • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to
        not needed



                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

                LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
              Therapy should be dyadic
      • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to
        not needed
      • The center pole of the circus tent



                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

                LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
              Therapy should be dyadic
      • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to
        not needed
      • The center pole of the circus tent
      • Tx has to learn how to shut up


                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

                LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing




                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
               Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


      •   The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic
          therapies regarding emotion



                       Role of emotion

                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


      • The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic
        therapies regarding emotion
      • Typical example of Tx posture to emotion



                     Role of emotion

               LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

              Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


      • The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic
        therapies regarding emotion
      • Typical example of Tx posture to emotion
      • Therapeutic attunement to client energy

                     Role of emotion

               LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

              Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion




            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
                Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion
      •   All emotions all wishes are acceptable




                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
                Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion
      •   All emotions all wishes are acceptable
      •   Need for therapist to look at their own meta-
          emotion internal working model


                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion
      • All emotions all wishes are acceptable
      • Need for therapist to look at their own meta-
        emotion internal working model
      • Do not declare war on anger

               LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion
      • All emotions all wishes are acceptable
      • Need for therapist to look at their own meta-
        emotion internal working model
      • Do not declare war on anger
      • Learning about emotion is state dependant
               LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST




          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
               Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion

                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST

      •   Interventions should seem easy to do




                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
               Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion

                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST

      •   Interventions should seem easy to do
      •   Should not be mystifying or foreign



                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
                Therapy should be dyadic
                   Therapist’s role in self soothing


                        Role of emotion

                   LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST

      •   Interventions should seem easy to do
      •   Should not be mystifying or foreign
      •   Expect “oh... this is all there is to it?”


                 Therapy should be positive

                  Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
                Therapy should be dyadic
                   Therapist’s role in self soothing


                        Role of emotion

                   LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST

      •   Interventions should seem easy to do
      •   Should not be mystifying or foreign
      •   Expect “oh... this is all there is to it?”
      •   Reader Rabbit Approach

                 Therapy should be positive

                  Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive




           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
                Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion

                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive
      •   All too common - the client’s flaws pointed
          out to them



                 Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

                LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive
      • All too common - the client’s flaws pointed
        out to them
      • The culture of “Nailing People”



               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

                LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive
      • All too common - the client’s flaws pointed
        out to them
      • The culture of “Nailing People”
      • Needs to highlight two homeostatic states

               Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive




           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
          Therapy should be dyadic
            Therapist’s role in self soothing


                 Role of emotion

            LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


          Therapy should be positive

           Should not be idealistic
Intervention Assumptions
               Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion

                 LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive

                Should not be idealistic

      •   My approach “the good enough marriage”
Intervention Assumptions
               Therapy should be dyadic
                  Therapist’s role in self soothing


                       Role of emotion

                  LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


                Therapy should be positive

                 Should not be idealistic

      •   My approach “the good enough marriage”
      •   Some assert that couples therapy success can
          heal childhood wounds
Intervention Assumptions
             Therapy should be dyadic
                Therapist’s role in self soothing


                     Role of emotion

               LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST


              Therapy should be positive

               Should not be idealistic

      • My approach “the good enough marriage”
      • Some assert that couples therapy success can
        heal childhood wounds
      • You wont be alone in your woundedness
Session Structure
Session Structure
Session Structure
• Catchup on
 burning issue
Session Structure
• Catch   up on
  burning issue
• If not, process the
  last week
Session Structure
• Catch   up on
  burning issue
• If not, process the
  last week
• Ask for the
  couple’s
  Intervention
Session Structure
• Catch   up on
  burning issue
• If not, process the
  last week
• Ask for the
  couple’s
  Intervention
• Homework
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get the couple to
  burning issue           own the
• If not, process the     intervention
  last week
• Ask for the
  couple’s
  Intervention
• Homework
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get  the couple to
  burning issue            own the
• If not, process the      intervention
  last week              • RESISTANCE???
• Ask for the
  couple’s
  Intervention
• Homework
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get  the couple to
  burning issue            own the
• If not, process the      intervention
  last week              • RESISTANCE???
• Ask for the            • Poor responses
  couple’s
  Intervention
• Homework
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get  the couple to
  burning issue            own the
• If not, process the      intervention
  last week              • RESISTANCE???
• Ask for the            • Poor responses
  couple’s               • “Hitting Paydirt”
  Intervention
• Homework
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get  the couple to
  burning issue            own the
• If not, process the      intervention
  last week              • RESISTANCE???
• Ask for the            • Poor responses
  couple’s               • “Hitting Paydirt”
  Intervention           • Process they are
• Homework                 stuck on
  intervention that is
  in keeping with in-
  session learning
Session Structure
• Catch   up on          • Get  the couple to
  burning issue            own the
• If not, process the      intervention
  last week              • RESISTANCE???
• Ask for the            • Poor responses
  couple’s               • “Hitting Paydirt”
  Intervention           • Process they are
• Homework                 stuck on
  intervention that is   • Explore narratives
  in keeping with in-
                           of their internal
  session learning
                           working model
6 Goals of Intervention
6 Goals of Intervention
6 Goals of Intervention




         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention




           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention




           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention




             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention




           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention




            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing




           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing
     •   Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers




                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

               MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing
     •   Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers
     •   Homework to have discussion about stress



                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing
     •   Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers
     •   Homework to have discussion about stress
     •   Offer soothing action to partner


                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair




             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
     • First step - have a recovery conversation later




                 Label Dysfunctional actions
                     provide antidotes

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
     • First step - have a recovery conversation later
     • 2nd step - Have a recovery conversation right
       after the fight


                 Label Dysfunctional actions
                     provide antidotes

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
     • First step - have a recovery conversation later
     • 2nd step - Have a recovery conversation right
       after the fight
     • 3rd step - Repair during the fight (Having the
       conversation they needed to have)
                 Label Dysfunctional actions
                     provide antidotes

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes




           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

     •   Identify the 4 Horsemen and offer them the
         antidotes right in session



                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

              3 Steps towards repair
                 Label Dysfunctional actions
                     provide antidotes

     • Identify the 4 Horsemen and offer them the
       antidotes right in session
     • Identify evidence of psychological abuse and
       offer alternatives

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS




           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                 Self/other Soothing

               3 Steps towards repair
                 Label Dysfunctional actions
                     provide antidotes

                ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen




               Build Marital Friendship

             MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                   Self/other Soothing

                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen
     •   Soften start up




                 Build Marital Friendship

               MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                  Label Dysfunctional actions
                      provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen
     •   Soften start up
     •   Accepting Influence



                Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                  Label Dysfunctional actions
                      provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen
     •   Soften start up
     •   Accepting Influence
     •   Self-soothing


                Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen
     •   Soften start up
     •   Accepting Influence
     •   Self-soothing
     •   Repair and de-escalation

                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS
     •   4 Horsemen
     •   Soften start up
     •   Accepting Influence
     •   Self-soothing
     •   Repair and de-escalation
     •   Compromise
                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship




         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                 Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                  Label Dysfunctional actions
                      provide antidotes

                ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                Build Marital Friendship
     •   Defensiveness & NSO




              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship
     •   Defensiveness & NSO
     •   Anatomy of failed bids



              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                   Self/other Soothing

                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                  ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship
     •   Defensiveness & NSO
     •   Anatomy of failed bids
     •   Building rituals of connection


               MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                   Self/other Soothing

                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                  ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship
     •   Defensiveness & NSO
     •   Anatomy of failed bids
     •   Building rituals of connection
     •   Deepening Love Maps

               MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                 Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                  Label Dysfunctional actions
                      provide antidotes

                ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                Build Marital Friendship
     •   Defensiveness & NSO
     •   Anatomy of failed bids
     •   Building rituals of connection
     •   Deepening Love Maps
     •   Resistance/SMH/psychopathology
              MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship




         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
            Self/other Soothing

           3 Steps towards repair
             Label Dysfunctional actions
                 provide antidotes

           ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


           Build Marital Friendship

         MASSING/fading/long sessions
6 Goals of Intervention
                   Self/other Soothing

                 3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                  ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

               MASSING/fading/long sessions
     •   Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs)
6 Goals of Intervention
                  Self/other Soothing

                3 Steps towards repair
                   Label Dysfunctional actions
                       provide antidotes

                 ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


                 Build Marital Friendship

              MASSING/fading/long sessions
     •   Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs)
     •   2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has
         shifted
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

              3 Steps towards repair
                Label Dysfunctional actions
                    provide antidotes

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
     • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs)
     • 2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has
       shifted
     • Ongoing homework - MAGIC 5 HOURS/wk
6 Goals of Intervention
                Self/other Soothing

              3 Steps towards repair
                Label Dysfunctional actions
                    provide antidotes

               ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS


               Build Marital Friendship

            MASSING/fading/long sessions
     • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs)
     • 2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has
       shifted
     • Ongoing homework - MAGIC 5 HOURS/wk
     • Follow couple for a year (sessions 3-6 mos)
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD




"I love Wile's writing and thinking. They are entirely
consistent with many of my research findings. I think
that Wile is a genius and the greatest living marital
therapist. I am blessed to have been able to exchange
ideas with him.”
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
ATTACK & DEFEND MODE
Dan Wile PhD
ATTACK & DEFEND MODE




        ADMITTING MODE
Dan Wile PhD
ATTACK & DEFEND MODE




        ADMITTING MODE




                       Collaborative Mode
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
             Clearing the air - fight

For many years, I felt that if only I were able to reach
through to soft-underbelly feelings, I could snap partners
out of their "feeling-so-stung-by-what-their-partners-just-
said-that-they-must-immediately-sting-back adversarial"
couple state.

I now believe that what I need to do is to help them
sting back better -- that is, sting in a way that touches
closer to the heart of what is upsetting them, provides
greater satisfaction and sense of vindication, or make it a
little more likely that their partners will be able to listen
instead of just immediately sting back harder.

I want to turn the partners into the kind of couple for
whom fighting clears the air -- partners who feel that
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
Dan Wile PhD
         Confiding Soft underbelly emotions


This minute in a life of a couple shows how little of what
goes on in anyone's mind ever gets expressed -- or even
remembered. It reveals a reality about couple
relationships so squarely in front of our eyes that it is
hard to see.

The therapeutic task, when partners are in such a state,
is to dig through to soft underbelly feelings. It is the
inability of partners to confide their soft-underbelly
feelings -- their failure to bring the other in on their
experience (or realize what it is themselves) -- that
creates the "alienated" couple state.

Shifting into another state means suddenly having a new
set of feelings, wishes, thoughts, and awarenesses; it

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Gottman Presentation Philosophy & Implementation of Couples Interventions

  • 1. GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY METHOD PRESENTATION #3
  • 2. GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY METHOD PRESENTATION #3
  • 3. GOTTMAN COUPLES THERAPY METHOD PRESENTATION #3 “When it comes to the treatment of relationships, I must consider myself utterly at a loss!” Sigmund Freud (1912)
  • 5. Sound Marital House cREATING sHARED mEANING Making Dreams come true 4 Parts of Problem Solving & Dialogue with perpetual issues Positive Sentiment Override Turning Towards vs Turning Away Fondness & admiration LOVE MAPS
  • 8. Intervention Assumptions Should not be idealistic
  • 9. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 10. Intervention Assumptions LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 11. Intervention Assumptions Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 12. Intervention Assumptions Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 13. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 14. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 15. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to not needed Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 16. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to not needed • The center pole of the circus tent Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 17. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic • Goal is to shift from the Tx as necessary to not needed • The center pole of the circus tent • Tx has to learn how to shut up Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 18. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 19. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing • The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic therapies regarding emotion Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 20. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing • The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic therapies regarding emotion • Typical example of Tx posture to emotion Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 21. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing • The “Unfortunate Heritage” systemic therapies regarding emotion • Typical example of Tx posture to emotion • Therapeutic attunement to client energy Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 22. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 23. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion • All emotions all wishes are acceptable LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 24. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion • All emotions all wishes are acceptable • Need for therapist to look at their own meta- emotion internal working model LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 25. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion • All emotions all wishes are acceptable • Need for therapist to look at their own meta- emotion internal working model • Do not declare war on anger LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 26. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion • All emotions all wishes are acceptable • Need for therapist to look at their own meta- emotion internal working model • Do not declare war on anger • Learning about emotion is state dependant LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 27. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 28. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST • Interventions should seem easy to do Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 29. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST • Interventions should seem easy to do • Should not be mystifying or foreign Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 30. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST • Interventions should seem easy to do • Should not be mystifying or foreign • Expect “oh... this is all there is to it?” Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 31. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST • Interventions should seem easy to do • Should not be mystifying or foreign • Expect “oh... this is all there is to it?” • Reader Rabbit Approach Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 32. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 33. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive • All too common - the client’s flaws pointed out to them Should not be idealistic
  • 34. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive • All too common - the client’s flaws pointed out to them • The culture of “Nailing People” Should not be idealistic
  • 35. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive • All too common - the client’s flaws pointed out to them • The culture of “Nailing People” • Needs to highlight two homeostatic states Should not be idealistic
  • 36. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 37. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic
  • 38. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic • My approach “the good enough marriage”
  • 39. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic • My approach “the good enough marriage” • Some assert that couples therapy success can heal childhood wounds
  • 40. Intervention Assumptions Therapy should be dyadic Therapist’s role in self soothing Role of emotion LOW PSYCHOLOGICAL COST Therapy should be positive Should not be idealistic • My approach “the good enough marriage” • Some assert that couples therapy success can heal childhood wounds • You wont be alone in your woundedness
  • 43. Session Structure • Catchup on burning issue
  • 44. Session Structure • Catch up on burning issue • If not, process the last week
  • 45. Session Structure • Catch up on burning issue • If not, process the last week • Ask for the couple’s Intervention
  • 46. Session Structure • Catch up on burning issue • If not, process the last week • Ask for the couple’s Intervention • Homework intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 47. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • Ask for the couple’s Intervention • Homework intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 48. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • RESISTANCE??? • Ask for the couple’s Intervention • Homework intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 49. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • RESISTANCE??? • Ask for the • Poor responses couple’s Intervention • Homework intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 50. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • RESISTANCE??? • Ask for the • Poor responses couple’s • “Hitting Paydirt” Intervention • Homework intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 51. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • RESISTANCE??? • Ask for the • Poor responses couple’s • “Hitting Paydirt” Intervention • Process they are • Homework stuck on intervention that is in keeping with in- session learning
  • 52. Session Structure • Catch up on • Get the couple to burning issue own the • If not, process the intervention last week • RESISTANCE??? • Ask for the • Poor responses couple’s • “Hitting Paydirt” Intervention • Process they are • Homework stuck on intervention that is • Explore narratives in keeping with in- of their internal session learning working model
  • 53. 6 Goals of Intervention
  • 54. 6 Goals of Intervention
  • 55. 6 Goals of Intervention MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 56. 6 Goals of Intervention Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 57. 6 Goals of Intervention ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 58. 6 Goals of Intervention Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 59. 6 Goals of Intervention 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 60. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 61. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 62. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing • Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 63. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing • Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers • Homework to have discussion about stress 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 64. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing • Biofeedback, in-session breaks, 5 markers • Homework to have discussion about stress • Offer soothing action to partner 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 65. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 66. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair • First step - have a recovery conversation later Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 67. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair • First step - have a recovery conversation later • 2nd step - Have a recovery conversation right after the fight Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 68. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair • First step - have a recovery conversation later • 2nd step - Have a recovery conversation right after the fight • 3rd step - Repair during the fight (Having the conversation they needed to have) Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 69. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 70. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes • Identify the 4 Horsemen and offer them the antidotes right in session ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 71. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes • Identify the 4 Horsemen and offer them the antidotes right in session • Identify evidence of psychological abuse and offer alternatives ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 72. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 73. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 74. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen • Soften start up Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 75. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen • Soften start up • Accepting Influence Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 76. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen • Soften start up • Accepting Influence • Self-soothing Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 77. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen • Soften start up • Accepting Influence • Self-soothing • Repair and de-escalation Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 78. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS • 4 Horsemen • Soften start up • Accepting Influence • Self-soothing • Repair and de-escalation • Compromise Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 79. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 80. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship • Defensiveness & NSO MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 81. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship • Defensiveness & NSO • Anatomy of failed bids MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 82. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship • Defensiveness & NSO • Anatomy of failed bids • Building rituals of connection MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 83. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship • Defensiveness & NSO • Anatomy of failed bids • Building rituals of connection • Deepening Love Maps MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 84. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship • Defensiveness & NSO • Anatomy of failed bids • Building rituals of connection • Deepening Love Maps • Resistance/SMH/psychopathology MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 85. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 86. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions
  • 87. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs)
  • 88. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs) • 2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has shifted
  • 89. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs) • 2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has shifted • Ongoing homework - MAGIC 5 HOURS/wk
  • 90. 6 Goals of Intervention Self/other Soothing 3 Steps towards repair Label Dysfunctional actions provide antidotes ESTABLISH 6 SOCIAL SKILLS Build Marital Friendship MASSING/fading/long sessions • Longer earlier sessions (1.5 hrs) • 2-3 wk vacations once couple trajectory has shifted • Ongoing homework - MAGIC 5 HOURS/wk • Follow couple for a year (sessions 3-6 mos)
  • 95. Dan Wile PhD "I love Wile's writing and thinking. They are entirely consistent with many of my research findings. I think that Wile is a genius and the greatest living marital therapist. I am blessed to have been able to exchange ideas with him.”
  • 97. Dan Wile PhD ATTACK & DEFEND MODE
  • 98. Dan Wile PhD ATTACK & DEFEND MODE ADMITTING MODE
  • 99. Dan Wile PhD ATTACK & DEFEND MODE ADMITTING MODE Collaborative Mode
  • 102. Dan Wile PhD Clearing the air - fight For many years, I felt that if only I were able to reach through to soft-underbelly feelings, I could snap partners out of their "feeling-so-stung-by-what-their-partners-just- said-that-they-must-immediately-sting-back adversarial" couple state. I now believe that what I need to do is to help them sting back better -- that is, sting in a way that touches closer to the heart of what is upsetting them, provides greater satisfaction and sense of vindication, or make it a little more likely that their partners will be able to listen instead of just immediately sting back harder. I want to turn the partners into the kind of couple for whom fighting clears the air -- partners who feel that
  • 105. Dan Wile PhD Confiding Soft underbelly emotions This minute in a life of a couple shows how little of what goes on in anyone's mind ever gets expressed -- or even remembered. It reveals a reality about couple relationships so squarely in front of our eyes that it is hard to see. The therapeutic task, when partners are in such a state, is to dig through to soft underbelly feelings. It is the inability of partners to confide their soft-underbelly feelings -- their failure to bring the other in on their experience (or realize what it is themselves) -- that creates the "alienated" couple state. Shifting into another state means suddenly having a new set of feelings, wishes, thoughts, and awarenesses; it

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