1. Toilettalk
Russell Grenning
Back whenI wasa nicelybroughtupboyinthe 1950s, I was taughtby mymummythat any outbreak
of whatshe called “toilet talk” wasstrictlyforbidden.
Thus the evacuationof the bowelswasdelicatelyreferredtoas “having numbertwos”.
Such isthe decline inmodernstandardsthatnow otherwise respectable scientistsare openlytalking
about“numbertwos”in a waythat wouldturnmummy’sstomach.I mustwarn hercustodiansat her
AgedCare Facilitynotto letherget holdof a certainpaper presentedonlyrecentlytothe National
MeetingandExpositionof the AmericanChemical Society.
Thispaper- the workof Dr KathleenSmith - liftsthe lid(orshouldthatbe the seat?) onhow valuable
your well,yourpoo-poosare.DrSmithusesthe word “poop”but,thenagain,she isan American.
To protectthe delicate sensibilitiesof myreaders,Ihave cleanedupherpaperwhichtalksabout
howwonderfullyvaluable ourpoopactuallyis.
It seemsthatour excretacontaingold,silver,platinumandlotsof othervaluable elementssuchas
palladiumandvanadiumthatare usedinelectronicsandalloys.Mindyou,DrSmithhasn’texactly
suggestedthatfolksshouldcapture theirwaste andtryto mine it at home.Youwill know that
somebodyhas quite misunderstoodherfindingsif youhearafrenziedcryof “There’s gold in them
there poops”comingfromthe toilet.
She and herdedicatedteamrangedwide collectingsamplesof well,you know,and wenttobig
cities,smallstownsandrural communitiestogeta representative collection. Itsdirtyworkbut
somebodyhastodo it.
“There are metals everywhere,”she saidnotingthattheyare “in yourhair care products,detergents
and even the nanoparticlesthatareput in socksto preventbad odours. Whatevertheirorigin,the
wastescontainingthese metalsall endupbeingfunnelledthroughwastewatertreatmentplantsand
manymetalsendup inthe leftoversolidwaste.
“At treatmentplants,wastewatergoesthrough a seriesof physical,biologicaland chemical
processesand theend productsaretreated water and biosolids.Morethan seven million tonsof
biosolidsare produced in the USA each year and abouthalf of thatis used asfertilisers while the
otherhalf is incinerated or sent to landfills,” she said.
I am wonderingif,inaparticularlymessydivorce,if eachpartnerwouldgethalf of the numbertwos
producedbytheirex for the restof theirlives.Some divorcedfolksIknow wouldhappilymail their
entire excretatotheirexesandevengiftwrapit.
“We areinterested in collecting valuablemetalsthat could be sold and,to do this, we aretaking a
pagefromthe industrialmining operations’method bookand areexperimenting with someof the
samechemicals called leachateswhich thisindustry usesto pull metals outof rock,” Dr Smithsaid.

2. You have to admire herand herteambecause nothinghasbeenoverlookedorstudiouslyavoided.
Theyhave beenusingscanningelectronicmicroscopesand,joyof joys,“Thegold wefound wasat
the level of a minimalmineral deposit,”Dr Smithsaid.If goldwas inrock at that level itwouldbe
commerciallymined.
Her ultimate dream? “If you can getrid of someof the nuisancemetalsthat currently limit how much
of these biosolidswe can use on fields are forestsand atthe sametime recover valuable metals,
that’sa win-win situation,”she said.
There isabsolutelynotruthinthe story that one researcherstartingscreaming “Eureka!”whena
largerlumpof gold turnedup.Eventually,itwastracedtoa man in Montana whohad swallowedhis
weddingring.
But Dr Smithand herteam are not the firstAmericanscientiststopursue thisline of inquiry –
anotherbunchhas alreadycalculatedthatthe waste fromone millionpeoplecouldcontainasmuch
as US$13 millioninvaluable metals.
Justthink,the debtsof small countriescouldbe paidoff veryquicklyif the entire populationwas
afflictedwithdiarrhoea.Will Joe Hockeygivethe ideasome thought?
As ithappens,we have autilitiesbill waitingtobe paidand I am thinkingaboutaskingthe outfit
whichis the so-called“serviceprovider”to deductfromthat bill the total value of twoadults’
numbertwoswhichtheycouldmine.
FranklyI am shittingafortune asI am certainlya regularguy.