1. Woodyou do it to me?
Russell Grenning
I’msure thatmost of you haven’tmissedthe heart-warmingstoryof how Emma andTim foundlove
and have rejoicedintheirhappiness.
For those whohaven’t,IshouldexplainthatTimisa tree.Yes,Tim isa poplar – indeedwithEmma,
he is verypoplar.
Thisamazingexcusive hasbeenpublishedbythe Britishmagazine “CloserWeekly”whichfeatures
otherexclusivessuchas “Phillip Schofield reveals shocking truth aboutKatieHopkinsafterTwitter
spat”and lotsand lotsof picturesof youngladiesinvariousstagesof undress.
The magazine heraldsthe storyaboutEmma and Timwiththe teaser,“Meet loved-up Emma
McCabe,31, who’sgiven upon men and enjoying steamy sex sessionswith a poplartree called Tim!”
Andthere isa snapof the happycouple together –love-struckEmmaiscaressingTimand putting
herface nexttohis,well,trunk. Timishandsome andsensitive inhisownwayof course – tall,dark
and intouch withhisroots. I don’tknow if he is circumcised ornot andthat wouldobviouslydepend
on howmuch pruninghe hadas a sapling,wouldn’tit?
There isno doubtabout the fact that Emma hasboughta whole new meaningtothe term “tree
hugger”andyet she hasn’tsaidanythingaboutherpolitics.Ican onlypresume thatshe isa full-on
Greenie.
“I love the feeling of skin on barkcontact,which givesme a more pleasurablepain sensation,and the
feel of hisleaves againstmy skin which makesme tingle,” declaredEmma.
“My feelingsare genuine.I’vehad boyfriends,butneverconnected with anyonelikeTim. I’min love
and would like to get married.He fulfilsmy emotionaland sexualneeds.Iorgasmby rubbing against
the barknaked.Ihavethe sex with him ever week – it’s the bestsex I’veever had.”
Like othermore conventional relationships,TimandEmma’s relationship isn’tjustaboutsex.
AlthoughEmmaseeshimaboutfourtimesa week,sometimesitisjustto have a chat about thisand
that. I suspectTimisa tree of fewwordswhichwouldendearhimtomanyotherwomenif onlyhe
wasn’ta tree.AndI am sure he can keepa secret,respectaconfidence andbe absolutelyloyal.
Emma’sonlyhumanand she admitsthat she doeslookat othertrees – “But I don’ttouch – I
wouldn’tcheaton Tim,” she said.
Whenshe getsto marry her beau,Emmawants a “low-key ceremony with family”although she
admits, “My family are shocked and thinkit is a phase,butthey know how much Tim meansto me so
they supportme.”She hasn’tsaid if herfamilyhasmetTim yet – I meantheywouldhave tocome to
him,wouldn’tthey?Thisisone boyfriendwho Emmacan’ttake home unlesshe isdead. Thenagain,
if Tim wasdeadhe couldbe made intoa lovelynew bedforEmmawhichwouldbe the ultimate
marital cot and itwouldonlyhave tobe a single.
Nowlet’sbe seriousfora moment.

2. There isa conditioncalled “dendrophilia”(whichisalsoknownas “arborphilia”) whichliterally
translatesasa love of trees.UKsexologistDrBrendaLove inher “Encyclopaedia of UnusualSex
Practices” – can youimagine whata blockbustermoviethiswouldmake? –writesaboutthisfetish
and notesthattreeswere ancientsymbolsof fertilityandthaton designatedholydays,menhadto
go intothe forestand ejaculate ontotrees. Of course theyhadtobe grown-uptreesandnotlittle
shootsbecause thatwouldbe childabuse whichisobviouslyasteptoofar.
It seemsthe veryappropriatelynamedDrLove hasn’twrittenaboutanywomenlike Emma fancying
a tree so perhapstheyshouldmeet.Maybe DrLove couldbe Chief BridesmaidatEmma’slow-key
ceremony?
Back in September2009, a 21-year oldScot,WilliamShaw,coppedalifetime banfromapublicpark
whenhe wasobserveddroppinghispantsandsimulatingsexwithatree.While the treesthere
mightnowbe safe fromsuchunwantedadvances,there are alot of treesinScotlandand are they
safe?
If Tim isbisexual perhapshe wouldwarmtothe ideaof bothEmma and Williamapproachinghim
withthe request,“Fancy a treesome?”
Actually,we knowlittleaboutTimexceptthathe isa poplar. Poplarshave,tocoin a phrase,many
branchesand there are some 25 to 35 specieswithinthe familyof “Salicaccae”whichIguesswill be
Emma’smarriedname afterthe low-keyceremony.
It isreasonable toassume thatTim and Emma’s honeymoonwill alsobe alow-keyaffair. Maybe it’s
justcrusty oldme but if I was invitedtothe low-keyceremonyIwouldpresentthe happycouple
withtwofree passestoa sawmill.