Transition Booklet

1. ASFM
American School Foundation of Monterrey
FAMILY TRANSITION BOOKLET
“You can’t say hello until you’ve said a clear goodbye”
David Pollock
CONTENTS:
1. Tips for surviving and understanding transition
2. Model of culture shock & adjustment
3. Losses and gains
4. Problem signs to look for
5. Practical steps to cope with transitions
6. Coping Strategies: Differences Between Men & Women
7. Helpful Websites & Parents’ Professional Library

2. Tips for surviving and understanding transition:
• Moving involves a grieving process that is normal, as difficult as it is
to experience.
• Consult the model of culture shock included in this booklet.
• Actively use strategies and practical steps to assist your child with
their feelings at home.
• Share in an appropriate manner any struggles you might be having,
i.e. the younger the child the less (or none) of your own struggles
you share vs. with a teenager you might share some of your fears or
concerns.
• Make a list together as a family (what is the same/different, what is
easy/difficult, what do we miss/what is exciting and fun here.)
• Emphasize the positives and acknowledge the negatives.
• Allow children to use the Internet and telephone to stay in contact
with family and friends.
• Contact the school counselor for help and support to both
yourselves and your children.
• Plan a trip.
• Invite visitors to come and see you at your new home!

3. CULTURE OF SHOCK and CULTURAL ADJUSTMENT
Expatriation’s “U” Curve and Repatriations “W” Curve1
3
7
1 5 9
2 6
4
8
1. Culture of origin. We’re at home, functioning at our normal levels of productivity.
2. Host country. The moment of our arrival.
3. Honeymoon. When we arrive in an unfamiliar cultural context the common human
tendency is to look first for what’s familiar. We typically find a lot is, indeed, similar to
our culture of origin. Because this is also a time in which others are often extending
themselves to welcome and care for us, we tend to feel pretty good and to function at a
pretty high level.
4. Disorientation. Eventually, however, as we begin to interact more and more with
the host culture, we begin to notice how much really is so very, very different. The
more we interact, the more we become disoriented. We tend to feel tired and grumpy
and to judge the host culture negatively. Our level of functioning drops dramatically.
(Usually around the 3rd month)
5. Recovery and Adjustment. As we continue to interact with the host culture, we
begin to understand it and to behave appropriately; we begin to feel at home. Our level
of functioning returns to near-normal levels, sometimes even to higher-than normal
1
Based on the work of Gullahom and Gullahom (1963), An Extension of the U-Curve Hypothesis.
1/98 Transition Dynamics-2448 NW 63rd St. Seattle WA 98107 USA – T 206/789-3290 F 206/7RI-2439

4. levels because we have learned about ourselves and about the world. (6 months to 1
year)
6. Home. At some point, we return to our culture of origin, perhaps only for a holiday,
perhaps repatriating to live there again permanently.
7. Honeymoon. Back where we know how things work, where we can function easily
without having to think through the cultural implications of every action, we tend again
to feel really good and to function at high levels of productivity.
8. Disorientation. Often quite quickly, however, we begin to see how much has
changed since we were last here, how much we’ve changed. We find we question the
home country values, beliefs, and behaviors we once accepted without comment,
seeing them now with eyes informed by other cultural perspectives. We find we’re not
the American or Japanese or Peruvian we thought we were, and not the same as our
home country peers. Because we’re usually not expecting this disorientation-after all-
we’re at home- it tends to be a deeper and harder experience than the disorientation
we experienced abroad. We tend to function at our lowest levels during this time.
9. Adjustment. Eventually we begin to adjust. As we interact more and more with our
home culture we begin to understand it again, to recognize the good as well as the
bad, to find home country peers who also look at the world through multicultural
glasses. We begin to function at a steady level once again; typically at a much higher
level of productivity than before we went abroad. We have a broader understanding of
ourselves and of the world; a broader repertoire of skills and abilities from which to
draw.

5. MOVING (especially cross-cultural moving) involves LOSS and GAIN.
LOSS GAIN
Friends Chance to make new friends.
Chance to expand personally from contact with others.
Being seen a certain way. Chance to redefine how you’re seen.
Chance to broaden your self-definition.
Understanding how things Sense of competency as your master a new system.
are done. Gaining perspectives on how things were done before.
At times, familiar family Chance to grow closer as you support each other.
roles and patterns. Opportunity to explore together.
Sense of control over own Greater understanding of different family roles,
destiny. responsibilities and opportunities.
Involvement in certain At times, discovery that same activities can be offered
activities. elsewhere and offer new opportunities and perspectives.
Chance to try new things.
Mastery of one’s Chance to explore and find new favorites.
town/neighborhood
Mastery of one’s Chance to learn a new language.
language.
Comfort with one’s Chance to learn to appreciate and understand other
culture. cultures.
Chance to gain perspectives on one’s own culture.

6. Problem Signs to Look For
WHEN SHOULD YOU WORRY?
What are some ways that kids express their feelings of loss I lack of
control/fears of the future?
• May be negative, argumentative, or angry.
• May break family rules and expectations.
• May become withdrawn, over-sensitive.
• May be excessively helpful and obedient, quiet and complacent.
• May need more reassurance than usual about all sorts of things.
• May regress to early behaviors.
These are all normal responses. However, if your child doesn’t acknowledge and
process their grief now, more serious consequences can result.
Here are some “red lights” to watch out for especially in adolescents:
• Wanting to be alone, shutting him/herself in room for hours at a time, cutting off
normal communication within the family, becoming secretive.
• Sudden drop in grades.
• Emotional acting out-moody, tearful, angry.
• Any major sleep change-wanting to sleep more than usual or staying up very
late and then not able to get up at regular time in the morning.
• Childish behavior-return to previous stage.
• More illness-colds, headaches or lack of energy.
• Accident prone-including falling or dropping things.
• Change in eating habits-particularly watch for dieting in girls.
• Lack of interest in past passions such as shooting baskets, reading, developing
new unhealthy passions, or having no passions at all.
• Inability to get along with members of the family, lack of patience, irritability,
resistance to affection or touch.
• Lonely and unable to make friends.

7. Positive and practical ways to help your child with transition:
1. It’s very important to always communicate.
• Acknowledge any losses. Loss needs grieving to be resolved. Children can
hold in their feelings and say everything is “fine” to avoid worrying their parents.
Share your own losses with your children so they don’t feel isolated.
• Find the time to listen. During the time of establishing a new household,
learning new job responsibilities, etc. it is easy to forget to make the time to sit
down with your child, ask him/her how it is going and show you have the time to
really listen.
• Help build bridges with the past. The changes seem more manageable if you
help your child to keep in touch with old friends/relatives-whether by e-mail,
planning visits home, phone calls, sending a letter to his/her old class, etc.
• Stay positive yet realistic. Children will often mirror your own feelings. If it is
clear you are upset about the move, children are more likely to be upset as
well. In this instance, children may feel that it is inappropriate to share their
feelings with you, for fear of making you even more upset. However, if you act
as though everything is “no problem,” children may also feel reluctant to share
doubts and worries with you.
• Explore the new environment together. Share and discover new places in
your neighborhood, i.e. mall, movie theater, watch plays, visit museums, etc.
Children feel happier when they are more comfortable in their environment.
• Involve children in age appropriate decisions. It can be tempting to handle
everything for your children, thinking that it will make it easier for them in a
difficult decision. However, children will feel more empowered and capable if
they are involved in decisions that are relevant to them as this reinforces their
own sense of competency, i.e. a decision about redecorating their bedroom.
• Encourage children to become to become involved in after school
activities.
Encourage and help plan ways children can join sporting teams or extra
curricular activities. This is a good opportunity for children to form new
friendships and to feel a sense of belonging.
• Encourage get-togethers outside of school. Encourage your child to gather
the phone numbers of a few close friends and have them invite them over after
school or on the weekend for a sleep over.

8. • Set goals together to accomplish the little things that make a new place
feel like home. i.e. Become a member of the video store, find a pizza place
that delivers.
• Strive to maintain family habits. Changes are never easy but it can help to
keep to familiarities such as bedtime rituals, mealtimes, chores and limits to
acceptable behavior.
• Encourage children to keep memorabilia close by. I.e. photos, teddies, a
special gift, a trophy, etc. This will serve as a reminder of the reality of the
child’s world and be a comfort amongst the newness.
• Encourage acceptance of diversity. If entering a new and different culture,
assist your children in viewing the behavior of host country nationals as
different from what they are used to, rather than “bad.”
2. It can be difficult for some children to express their feelings or their worries
verbally. Therefore, it’s important to accept and recognize this and to encourage
your children to express their feelings via different methods. Encourage your child
to:
• Keep a journal. Some children may find it useful to write down a few words
or to write a “dear diary.” Ongoing reflection of the journal is important so
that the child realizes the different stages he/she has gone though during
the transition.
• Keep a scrapbook. Some children prefer to gather pictures or mementos of
places they have visited, friends, etc.
• Be creative. One way children can express how they are feeling is to draw
or to make a collage of how they perceive themselves and their world in that
moment. This can also be used as an icebreaker with your children, to begin
to discuss what they’re feeling.

9. Coping Strategies: Differences Between Men and Women
• Some research says that men cope differently to stress than women.
Men are socialized to be problem focused (i.e. how to solve the problem
directly), whereas women are more likely to focus on addressing the
emotions that arise because of the problem.
For example, your mother in your home country is getting frailer.
Typical male response: researches support services via the Internet, checks
out health insurance policies, organizes roster with siblings (also in home
country) to help care for her.
Typical female response: worries, feels guilty for being away, calls mother more
often, speak to friends about sense of guilt and frustration with crisis from so far
away.
It is important to remember that these are broad stereotypical
responses and naturally do not apply for all men and women.
• Seeking social support is a typical female coping strategy, more so, than a typical
male response.
Men tend to prefer to solve the problem first and then tell friends. Women
tend to try and feel better about it and solve the problem through talking to
friends.
This has obvious stressful implications if one has moved to a new country
and does not have friends to talk to. If the husband normally uses his wife
as his immediate support network, and she has also moved to the new
country, then he has not lost his immediate support network. In contrast,
women often use their husband and a circle of close friends as their
immediate support network.

10. • For both sexes it is important to be kind to yourself and to each other-do not
have such high expectations as you might have had in your home country. Work
out your best stress managing techniques.
o Join clubs and organizations to develop support networks.
o Structure your day- so you’re not filled with too much emptiness.
o Stay in contact with your friends in your home country-maybe your
phone bill will be more expensive-but accept that this is part of the
sacrifice one makes when you move to a new country. (Ask about the
use of SKYPE, buy cheap phone cards or use special discount
numbers.)
• Husbands can support their wives by just listening to them. The wives do not
always expect a solution. Make sure you have special time together, without the
children around.
• Children also need support from their fathers during transition- a couple of
hours on a Saturday afternoon, without mom, can be really important to a child,
especially as adolescence advances and the child is trying to work out what it
means to be a teenage boy or as a teenage girl- how to relate to boys in a
comfortable way.

11. Helpful Websites:
http://www.worldweave.com/
http://www.tckworld.com/
http://kidshealth.org
http://www.parentingteens.about.com/od/familylife/a/moving.htm
http://www.aboutourkids.org/aboutour/articles/familiesmove.html
Parents’ Professional Library
These are books recommended by parents, teachers and other counselors. You
can find them on www.amazon.com and have them delivered to your door.
• Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds
By David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken
• What Kids need to Succeed
By Peter Benson & Judy Gailbraith
• 200 Ways to raise a Boy’s Emotional’s Intelligence: An Indispensable Guide for
Parents, Teachers and Other Concerned Caregivers.
By Will Glennon, Jeanne Elium and Don Elium
• What Girls really Want that Money Can’t Buy
By Betsy Taylor
• Helping a Child that Doesn’t Fit In.
By Marshall Duke and Stephen Nowicki
• Queens and Wannabes
By Rosalind Wiseman
• Easing the Teasing
By Judy Freeman
• Odd Girl Out
By Rachel Simmons
• Girl Wars
By Cheryl Dellasega & Charisse Nixon
• Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
By Mary Pipher
• Real Boys: Rescuing our Sons from the Myth of Boyhood
By William Pollock
Booklet adapted from:
FIS FAMILY TRANSITIONS BOOKLET: Frankfurt International School