1. Raising Socially & Emotionally Intelligent Children Rabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP

2. What is Emotional Intelligence?“EQ”

3. The 5 EQ Competencies Self-Awareness Social Awareness Self-Management Relationship Skills Responsible Decision Making

4. Emotional Intelligence Competencies Responsible Decision Making Thoughts Actions Responsible Decision Making Self OtherS

5. Self-Awareness Across Development Elementary Grades: Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness Middle School: Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress reactions. High School: Are expected to analyze how various expressions of emotion affect other people. Accurately assessing one’s own thoughts, feelings, interests, values, and strengths Recognizing how they influence choices and actions Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence

7. Recognizing and appreciating individual and group similarities and differences

10. Resisting inappropriate social pressure; preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict

12. Family Life Our first school for emotional learning

15. Assessing Your Parenting Style

16. The Dismissive Parent

17. The Dismissive Parent What they aren’t Does NOT: Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems Feel certain about what to do with the child’s emotions Show much interest in what the child is trying to communicate Like focusing on negative emotions; believes that it will “just make things worse” Likely have great awareness of emotions in self and others Focus much on the meaning of the emotion; more interested in how to get over them Feel that children’s feelings count; believes that they are irrational

18. The Dismissive Parent What they are Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings; treats them as unimportant, trivial Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion; may ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions Fears being out-of-control emotionally Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions; sees them as demands to fix things Believes that focusing on negative emotions will “just make things worse” Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well-adjusted, that they reflect badly on their parents Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions

19. The Dismissive ParentEffects of this style on children They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions

20. Jessica Dubroff Jessica’s mother did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.” She told reporters, “Children are fearless. That’s their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.” After Jessica’s crash, her mother told the press, “I know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”

21. The Disapproving Parent

22. The Disapproving ParentWhat they are Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression Is over-aware of the need to set limits on their children Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority Reprimands, disciplines, or punish the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits and need to be controlled Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles Believes emotions make people week; children must be emotionally tough for survival Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time

23. The Disapproving ParentEffects of this style on children Same as the Dismissing style

24. The Laissez-Faire Parent

25. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they aren’t Does NOT: Offer much guidance on behavior Teach the child about emotions Set limits; is permissive Help children solve problems Teach problem-solving methods to the child

26. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they are Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the work is done

27. The Laissez-Faire ParentEffects of this style on children They don’t want to regulate their emotions They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children

28. The Emotion Coach

30. The Emotion Coach What They Are Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion Is aware of and values his or her own emotions Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle Respects the child’s emotions

31. The Balance ”ואהבתאתה' אלקיךבכללבבךוגו'“בכלמדהומדהשהואמודדלךהוימודהלו )ברכות, נד: (

32. The Emotion Coach What They Are Uses emotional moments as a time to: Listen to the child Empathize with soothing words and affection Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling Offer guidance on regulating emotions Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions Teach problem-solving skills

33. The Emotion CoachEffects of this style on children They learn to: Trust their feelings Regulate their own emotions Solve problems They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others

34. Becoming an Emotion Coach

35. Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional intelligence 5 Key Steps to Emotion Coaching

37. What’s Dovid Thinking?

38. Scenario #1 Tatty’s right. I’m acting like a baby. That’s why the guys next door don’t want to play with me. I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just forget it like Tatty says? I’m such a wimp! Nobody wants to be my friend.

39. Scenario #2 Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says: You look kind of sad, Dovid. Tell me what’s going on.

40. Scenario #2 If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:

41. Scenario #2 Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won’t let me play basketball with them.” Moishie: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.” Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.” Moishie: “I can see that.” Dovid: “There’s no reason why I can’t shoot baskets with them.” Moishe: “Did you talk to them about it?” Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.” Moishe: “What do you want to do?” Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.” Moishe: “You think that’s a better idea?” Dovid: “Yeah, ‘cuz they’ll probably change their minds tomorrow. I think I’ll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe I’ll play on the computer.”

42. The Difference is empathy!

43. Scaffolding Scene:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger) How should Mom handle this? What should she say/do?

44. Practice Example (Hugging the child) “Shhh… Mommy’s here, it’s OK. (Shoos the dog away) “Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there. Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child. Response #1 Response #2

45. Scaffolding The mother is using the emotion as anopportunity for intimacy and teaching In this scenario, she is scaffoldingself-control by modeling it first and then inviting the daughter to join in problem-solving As the girl gets older, the mother can strip the scaffolding and simply prompt the child (“What can you do to make the big doggie go away?”) rather than providing the solutions “Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there. Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child. Validating & Labeling Reassuring Problem-Solving Suggestion Joint Problem-Solving Reassuring

46. Don’t be Too Negative Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to children’s self-esteem Examples: The “helicopter mom” Labeling Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for

47. Use “Scaffolding” and Praise “Scaffolding” components: Give children just enough information to get started, talking in a slow, calm manner Wait for the child to do something right and offer specific praise for their action. Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.

48. Additional Emotion Coaching Strategies

49. Additional Strategies Ignore your “parental agenda” Create a mental map of your child’s daily life Avoid “siding with the enemy” Think about your child’s situation in terms of similar adult situations Don’t try to impose your solutions on your child’s problems Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes

50. Additional Strategies (continued) Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies Be honest with your child Use books and stories to build your child’s emotional vocabulary Be patient with the process Understand your base of power as a parent Believe in the positive nature of human development

51. When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach

52. When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach When you’re pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or too tired for coaching to be productive When you need to address serious misbehavior When your child is “faking” an emotion to manipulate you

53. Testing Our Skills

54. Sample Exercise A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent. Parent’s agenda: “You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.” Child’s feeling: Fear Right response: “you must have been so scared. I was scared, too. Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then let’s talk over what happened.”

55. Exercise #1 A child comes home from school and says, “ I’m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!” Wrong response: “What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?” Parent’s agenda: Child’s feeling: Right response:

56. Exercise #2 In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.” Wrong response: “That’s a terrible thing to say. We don’t talk that way in his house. You don’t hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!” Parent’s agenda? Child’s feeling? Right response?

57. Exercise #3 Your child’s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don’t want to share this toy with you. You can’t play with it!” Wrong response: “What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!” Parent’s agenda? Child’s feeling? Right response?

58. Selected References Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon