1. Confused by the title of this chapter? I’m sorry. You see, I seem
to have locked myself into using the first line of Gilbert &
Sullivan songs as chapter titles. This song is particularly
apropos, containing as it does the lines “For duty, duty must be
done;/The rule applies to everyone,/And painful though that
duty be,/To shirk the task were fiddle-dee-dee!” But that’s the
chorus, and I’m using first lines.
You understand?
Now let’s go to the (un)Officially Wacky House, where Adam
and Myrna have been taking their duties as the new heads of
household very seriously.
2. Admittedly, some of the duties aren’t all that painful, or even
unpleasant, even if they take more than one try.
3. Adam has been stargazing a minimum of fourteen times a night
every night, using the really nice telescope. I’m really just
playing the odds here: if there’s a one-in-two-hundred chance
of alien abduction, then if Adam stargazes three hundred times
over the course of his fertile period, he can’t help but be
abducted, right?
Right?
4. Of course, reproduction isn’t the only duty of the heir.
RUTH: Here, Adam. It’s the deed to The Tacky Flamingo.
OLD ADAM: The dee – (wonderingly) Mama, are you passing
the family business along to me?
RUTH: Of course I am.
OLD ADAM: O! Mama, do you truly think I am fit to replace
you?
RUTH: If I didn’t, would I be signing over the deed? And better
you than me dealing with Mrs. Crumplebottom anyhow.
5. Somehow, I think Mrs. Crumplebottom will have more
problems with the new owner than she had with the old one.
Adam is just following Victorian tradition here: Victorian men
only wore bathing suits in mixed company. If everyone
swimming was male, they swam in the altogether.
6. When not skinny-dipping, Adam spent time being taught about
Motivation and Perception Rewards by Ruth. It’s absolutely
ridiculous how long it takes to pass along even one Reward!
Incidentally, have you noticed that Adam has both sideburns
and a mustache? That’s not a standard EAxis facial hair option
– yours truly created it her own self. You may applaud now.
7. Another reporter came by to review the Tacky Flamingo. This
one was fully dressed, but didn’t stay long anyway. After I sent
Adam over to be specially nice to her and everything! I wonder
if I’ve got glitchy reporters.
8. Being a new business owner is taking its toll on Adam, though.
BUTTERCUP: Hey, bro, I thought I was supposed to be the
one with the bladder issues.
OLD ADAM: Do please be quiet!
Did I not mention earlier that Buttercup was pregnant?
Whoops.
11. RUTH: (wails)
RYAN: What’s wrong?
RUTH: My aspiration’s in the red! I’m not getting anything I
want! I’m so miserable!
RYAN: Well, what do you want?
RUTH: Get a Kitten or Puppy, Get a Kitten, Get a Grandchild,
and Relative gets Engaged.*
RYAN: You’ve got two women working on that grandchild for
you.
RUTH: But they’re not doing it fast enough! Why can’t they
have their babies faster?
*Both Ruth and Ryan lost the two extra Uni Want slots in the rebuild.
12. RYAN: Babies take as long as they take, honey. There’s no
rushing that, and trust me, you don’t want to. Preemies have to
stay in the hospital for weeks, and you can’t cuddle them
properly or anything. Tell you what: let’s you and me go on a
date to reroll some of those wants, yeah?
13. And pretty soon the aspiration points were flying again.
(happily) I knew there was a reason I married Ryan in.
14. Of course, the best reason to marry Ryan in was because Ruth
loves him. But he’s proven himself quite useful. Not only did
he paint all the family portraits, but he also painted the lovely
Mikado poster in the living room parlor and this fine Pirates of
Penzance poster. He’ll paint a Patience poster, too, just as soon
as I get around to creating one for him.
15. He’ll even paint another family portrait once Myrna stops being
the size of a house.
I think that her size is due to her weight. I don’t think it’s twins.
Definitely not twins.
If you say it often enough, that makes it true, right?
16. In fact, there’s only one thing that Ryan can’t do.
RYAN: What are you talking about? You don’t need to move.
OAKAPPLE: Yes, I… do. You need… the room. And… I
don’t fit… anymore.
RYAN: Of course you fit! We only have five people – there’s
plenty of room for the baby and you both.
OAKAPPLE: Not that kind… of fitting. I’m… not the same…
person I was.
RYAN: Well, no. You need more aftershave now. But –
OAKAPPLE: It’s not just… the smell. I don’t… like the
same… things. I don’t… want the same… things. And Adam
will… keep trying to… make it right. …We all saw… how well
that… worked last time.
RYAN: But where will you go?
17. OAKAPPLE (V.O.): Oh, I’ll figure… something out.
Oakapple has a lot to adjust to in his new environment. For
starters, he’s undead.
18. Then there are the personality modifications that come with
being undead. The loss of skill points, for example – that’s a
biggie.
I don’t suppose it’s any surprise that Oakapple has taken up
gardening. He never was any good at it, and it won’t require
fine motor control for quite some time.
19. Also, like all my zombies, Oakapple has become Grilled
Cheese.
OLIVER: Mmmm, great sandwich, Oakapple. You know what
would go really well with it?
OAKAPPLE: What?
OLIVER: Some tomato soup.
OAKAPPLE: Have you… gone mad?!
Hey, it’s an obsession with something edible. Cut me some
slack!
20. And there’s the loss or reversal of many personality traits.
From 10 to 0 Neat.
From 10 to 4 Outgoing.
From 9 to 2 Active.
From 2 to 1 Playful.
From 1 to 0 Nice.
OLIVER: Where are you sleeping tonight? Bed or couch?
From straight to questioning.
21. Oh, and there’s one other issue to deal with.
CELESTE KALSON (brightly): Hi!
OAKAPPLE (mystified): Hi. Can I… help you?
CELESTE: Well of course you can! I’m your fiancée!
…Which seems like a good stopping point.
22. Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia
Adam’s particular brand of Wacky is Victorian. The Victorians firmly
believed that if one was good, six was better. And add some lace to that.
And we can fit an allegorical figure just over there. Oh, and –
Edgar Allan Poe, an early American Victorian, describing an ideal room,
called for: two sofas, two chairs, enough paintings that “three or four
female heads” would be a minority, a piano, a marble table, a
candelabrum, two lamps, enough shelving (edged in silk and tassels) to
hold “two or three hundred books,” a mirror, silver wallpaper, thick
carpet, silk drapes with tassels, curtains beneath the drapes, and colored
window glass.* Late British Victorians were even worse.
There was so much about Oakapple to help set up a brief Plot for next
time. Until then: Happy Simming!
*Edgar Allan Poe, "The Philosophy of Furniture," Burton's Gentleman's Magazine (May
1840): 243-245. Available from http://www.eapoe.org/works/essays/philfurn.htm;
accessed 5 June 2011.
