Get Out of the Box

Out
of the
Box
A summary and review of The Arbinger
Institute’s “Leadership and Self-Deception”
How to improve discretionary behavior, along with
collaboration, creativity, innovation and leadership.

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1. The Ubiquitous People Problem
2. How it Precludes Progress
3. What Causes It
4. How to Fix It
Outline
When leaders and teams address the challenges
raised herein they become more engaged,
contribute more fully and collaborate more
effectively, which improves team productivity
and long-term performance.

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The Problem
When leaders and teams address the challenges
raised herein they become more engaged,
contribute more fully and collaborate more
effectively, which improves team productivity
and long-term performance.

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Problem
 People cannot easily or objectively observe themselves.
o It’s a form of blindness that’s normal.
o Philosophers and psychologists have long recognized it.
 As a result, team members will at times act on biased
assumptions, projected motivations and missed cues.
 The effect within and between teams is for perspectives to narrow
and priorities to diverge as crisis and stress increase.
o That’s a problem beneath many problems.
o Without counteraction, it enables organizational dysfunction.
o It divides teams and keeps people from achieving results together.
 The problem will derail strategic transformation if not addressed.

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Problem
It’s possible for leadership to confront the root
cause of the problem, as we’ll learn in this
presentation. Otherwise you merely treat
symptoms through bureaucracy and turnover.
 People cannot easily or objectively observe themselves.
o It’s a form of blindness that’s normal.
o Philosophers and psychologists have long recognized it.
 As a result, team members will at times act on biased
assumptions, projected motivations and missed cues.
 The effect within and between teams is for perspectives to narrow
and priorities to diverge as crisis and stress increase.
o That’s a problem beneath many problems.
o Without counteraction, it enables organizational dysfunction.
o It divides teams and keeps people from achieving results together.
 The problem will derail strategic transformation if not addressed.
If you can’t trust your
view of yourself in a
given moment then it’s
better to rely on others with
previous knowledge or belief.
“Know thyself.” –Socrates

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 Subtly try to control, manipulate or use others
 Resent other team members’ successes
 Deceive or betray without awareness of impact
 Bring fewer results to the organization and team
Negative Impacts
Next we’ll learn how the problem allows people to:
People often isolate
themselves or get into
everyone else’s business
due to the issue.
“Stop the madness!”
If you can’t trust your
view of yourself in a
given moment then it’s
better to rely on others with
previous knowledge or belief.
“Know thyself.” –Socrates

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 Subtly try to control, manipulate or use others
 Resent other team members’ successes
 Deceive or betray without awareness of impact
 Bring fewer results to the organization and team
Negative Impacts
Next we’ll learn how the problem allows people to:
The benefits are achieved in breaking through
internal blockage by attacking a root cause that
we’ll call “The Box.”
Benefits of addressing the issue:
• Higher productivity.
• Reduction of irritating distractions from self-
promotion, including over-talking at meetings.
• Overcoming complacency.
• Avoiding HR actions.
• Long-term growth through maintaining a balanced
interdependency between personal preferences
and corporate interests.
People often isolate
themselves or get into
everyone else’s business
due to the issue.
“Stop the madness!”

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The Box
greg@roweservices.com
The root cause of
“The Ubiquitous
People Problem.’”

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When you ignore your impressions of the way you
should be toward someone, including mutual respect or
offering support to a member of your own team,
and then justify yourself in denial of your
convictions and knowledge, you go
“In the Box”
Resistance
It’s not just about relationships or emotions.
It’s about how you are.
Some impressions are an
aggregation of all you know.
They guide in the way of
being true to oneself.
To ignore it is to cease to be
to a degree in a sense.

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The Basis of
Resistance
There are “Two Ways of Being” -
Ignoring a personal ethic numbs awareness and engagement.
There are “Two Ways of Being” -
The Box: “There are two ways of being toward people.”
1. Seeing them fully as they are, as people.
2. Seeing them as objects lesser than oneself.
Have you ever felt herded around as cattle to slaughter?
Ever been looked at as a mere object to be used?
It can degrade everyone who witnesses it.

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The Basis of
Resistance
There are “Two Ways of Being” -There are “Two Ways of Being” -
The Box: “There are two ways of being toward people.”
1. Seeing them fully as they are, as people.
2. Seeing them as objects lesser than oneself.
Have you ever felt herded around as cattle to slaughter?
Ever been looked at as a mere object to be used?
It can degrade everyone who witnesses it.
Without counteraction it increases obsessing and controlling.
On the other side, the problem begins with observing oneself
seeing others as objects or failing to respect a fundamental
level of human dignity. It includes seeing oneself NOT speaking-
up on behalf of the lesser advantaged in a situation.
It is cognitively dissonant with how you want to see yourself.*
So the sense grows over time unless corrected.
Correct it to the degree you sense is required, given your
sensibilities and maturity.
The effect is the same
if a violation of dignity
occurs passively over
time, or if it’s actively
aggressive.
*As humans we know
that imperfections,
including bias, corrupt
and ruin, including
oneself. A desire to live
drives elimination of
self-driven imperfection.
Ignoring a personal ethic numbs awareness and engagement.

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 Lazy
 Incompetent
 Inconsiderate
 Insensitive
 Power-hungry
 Irresponsible
 Disrespectful
 Unappreciative
 Etc.
When you are “in the box,” viewing others
as objects, you easily go negative.
Outsiders seem more:
Coworkers seem more:
Subordinates seem more:
…and the results tear the team or group apart.
Seeing Others who are trying and
failing as Objects in your way.
Deriding team members who oppose your self-serving justifications.
The problem affects both decision-making and teamwork.

 People sense how you esteem them.
o If you disregard them, they reduce interaction.
o If you show esteem, there’s mutual support
o Over time people also compare words to actions.
o They see hypocrisy in trying hard to be nice.
 They can sense manipulation, being coped with, tolerated.
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It’s not what you do, but how.
How People Know
You are “In the Box”

 People sense how you esteem them.
o If you disregard them, they reduce interaction.
o If you show esteem, there’s mutual support
o Over time people also compare words to actions.
o They see hypocrisy in trying hard to be nice.
 They can sense manipulation, being coped with, tolerated.
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It’s not what you do, but how.
How People Know
You are “In the Box”
The Box is a reptilian-like
state of mind characterized
by reacting impulsively.
Panic may be cued by
subconscious messages
that perpetually trigger
impulsive thoughts of being
in crisis, under attack, or
imminently short of
resources to the point of
being without hope or,
ultimately, for staying alive.

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The Results of Resistance
(Being “In the Box”)
 When you are “in the box” -
o You de-motivate.
o You shift blame onto others.
o You justify yourself.
 Then -
o Others begin to despise you.
o You are not accepted as a leader.
o It ruins your effectiveness.

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Getting in
the Box
1. Resisting others &
Betraying yourself
2. Deceiving yourself &
Justifying irrationality
FAILURE BY DEFAULT

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An Example of How
You Get In the Box
1. At some point you see a real need that you could meet
(that is, you sense the hopes, cares or fears of others, or recognize
some other need for your honesty or leadership).
2. You make a choice, consciously or otherwise, between
acting on that sense or opting for convenience.
a. You act on full sense and stay out of the box.
b. You ignore that sense and enter the box.
 The latter betrays your sense of how you know you should
be toward another person or the team.
 It is what we’ll call “self-betrayal.”
 You respond with falseness, untrue to yourself.
 It is “the most common thing in the world.”
To get into the box:
Resisting others
Betraying yourself

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An Example of How
You Get In the Box
1. At some point you see a real need that you could meet
(that is, you sense the hopes, cares or fears of others, or recognize
some other need for your honesty or leadership).
2. You make a choice, consciously or otherwise, between
acting on that sense or opting for convenience.
a. You act on full sense and stay out of the box.
b. You ignore that sense and enter the box.
 The latter betrays your sense of how you know you should
be toward another person or the team.
 It is what we’ll call “self-betrayal.”
 You respond with falseness, untrue to yourself.
 It is “the most common thing in the world.”
To get into the box:
Resisting others
Betraying yourself
You may inadvertently internalize
messages that say you are not a
strong, autonomous individual.
Those messages ignite survival
reactions.
…and the most common ‘think’?
Refusing to voice one’s Ethic clouds the
conscience, corrupts convictions & makes
commitment difficult. In partial shut-down,
critical gut reactions go sideways.

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Results
1. Distorted view of others (Blaming)
2. Distorted view of self (Self-Deceptive Ego-Inflation)
Betraying yourself
Betraying yourself
Justifying irrationality greg@roweservices.com

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Results
1. Distorted view of others (Blaming)
2. Distorted view of self (Self-Deceptive Ego-Inflation)
Betraying yourself
Betraying yourself
In denial people shut-
down or ignore certain
observations and
information, even denying
their own experiences.
It is a form of being
“under siege” similar to
how panic filters out
whatever is unrelated to
immediate survival.

Innovative Productivity, Inc. -- growe@mttc.org
Example Distortions
Good things to be
in perspective
 Competent
 Hard working
 Smart
 Good worker
 Funny
 Conversationalist
 Thinking of others
 Feeling important
“In the box” distortion (‘false-self’ messages) –
you see yourself as (or feel you need to be seen as):
 Never making mistakes
 Doing all the work
 Knowing everything
 Being better than everyone
 Always the life of the party
 Always the center of attention
 Appearing to always put others first
 In fact, you are putting yourself first
and believing your interests are inherently
more important than everyone else’s.
You would need to constantly fight uphill to keep the image described
on the right. Again, it’s self-deception and a denial of reality.
To support the distortion you must constantly explain your motives (at
least to yourself) in order to keep denying self-evident truth.
It also inspires your resentment of anyone challenging appearances.
It kills your confidence and shuts down others from participating.
Deceiving yourself
Betraying yourself
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FAILURE BY DEFAULT

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“The Box” is what philosophers
have called “resisting others.”
Our shared humanity calls us to a
fundamental level of response
in respect and honor.
In the box everything we think and feel
is part of the self-deception of the box.

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How NOT to Get
Out of the Box
These DO NOT WORK to get out of the box.
1. Trying to change others.
2. Doing your best to cope with others.
3. Running away (taking your box with you).
4. Communicating more (giving your box to others).
5. Implementing new skills or techniques (more sophisticated in
knowledge yet still in the box with a self-preserving motive).
6. Trying to change your behavior (by focusing on yourself,
being controlling, while still in the box).
Behaviors and skills naturally improve after you are
out of the box.
So simply trying to make improvements does not
address the root cause. Outward improvement
aims at proving yourself right while still in the box.
The alternative is to stop resisting…

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How to Get Out
of the Box
1. You see genuineness demonstrated by someone or a group as
they relate to others openly and honestly.
2. Something about that appeals to you.
3. As you want that, people begin to appear to you more fully as
they are, including those you had sometimes seen as objects.
4. You get out of the box whenever you want to see others fully
as they are/can-be, because where you look you see.

1. You see genuineness demonstrated by someone or a group as
they relate to others openly and honestly.
2. Something about that appeals to you.
3. As you want that, people begin to appear to you more fully as
they are, including those you had sometimes seen as objects.
4. You get out of the box whenever you want to see others fully
as they are/can-be, because where you look you see.
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How to Get Out
of the Box
When you want what is best you stop resisting.
Instead of trying to change, you allow change.
First you admire being honest and real.
Then you want that for yourself.
Next you pursue it with a passion by totally rejecting
familiar falseness.
Over time, instead of relying on yourself, even with
all of your innate, intellectual strength, so that you
allow yourself to live in broadly-engaged thinking.
Within that mindset you honor and allow what is best.
It means moving out of the
world of miscued internal
impressions, through the
world of objectively cold
facts and into the world of
eternally correct impressions,
with or without immediate
access to all of the facts, as is
provided by principled
perceptions removed from
time and place.

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Out-of-Box Results
 More creativity and enthusiasm.
 More influence as a leader.
 More focus on the needs of the client instead of self.
 A more successful organization.
Whenever you see your own behaviors and
hypocrisy, “a little light comes on” and the
blaming emotions go out.

 Always quick to defend your motives
 Trying to NOT notice the needs of
others
 Blaming for minor errors in the past
 Deriding
 Thinking of others as objects
 Elevating yourself
 Being angry or resentful
 Feeling justified when others fail
 Resenting the successes of others,
to the detriment of the company
 Exaggerating one’s own successes
 Focusing on self
 Demotivating team members
 Never needing to justify yourself
 Naturally sensing the needs of others
and then knowing how to respond
 Grateful & learning from the past
 Praising
 Thinking of others fully as people
 Seeing yourself realistically
 Being creative and enthusiastic
 Happy at all successes
 Quietly making others successful,
advancing the company/family/team
 Celebrating corporate successes
 Focusing on clients
 Helping teams respond positively
Out of the Box
Compare &
Contrast
In the Box
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Caveat Disclaimer:
Out of Box Prerequisite
 Of course, hard work by smart, skilled people is still necessary.
 Yet somehow individuals get smarter and work harder when
treated straightforwardly as people.
 Being real or authentic (i.e., integrity) invites full engagement
with its enthusiasm, creativity, and synergistic collaboration.
Personal intellectual
integrity is a mandate;
violation of it becomes a
constraint.
In other words, when a leader is “out of the box,”
team members become more engaged and
contribute more fully.

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“Again, with feeling…”
 It’s not only about techniques. These alone are not enough:
 Active Listening
 Sitting on the edge of your chair to show interest
 Tips & tricks (“Five easy steps to management success”)
 Teaching such techniques alone may simply cause the blamers
to be more sophisticated in how they blame.
Techniques matter. Yet “the rules” just make us
more self-conscious and “fake” if applied too
strictly in an atmosphere of distrust. First
establish trust and respect.
Only AFTER you sense permission from someone
can you get more personable and humorous as
well as strict through mutual correction that has
everyone’s best interests at heart.

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The higher the
pressure the greater
the demand on
personal strength to
respect dignity.
Many ‘people problems’ at work
begin with In-the-Box Thinking.
The problem begins with fixation in a narrow band of
thinking (self-preservation or ‘laziness’).
A narrow mind is caused by misuse or disuse of voicing
opinion or not ‘walking away’ in response to wrong or
misleading messages.
The result is emotional blockage and reactionary living.
The blockage limits the motivation (anger/pain) needed
for firm action. After all, to be effective you need
sustenance from all areas of the mind.
The purpose of the team is to achieve results together.
Why?
To achieve our purpose requires an essential level of
respect for dignity. It’s a constraint on the criteria of
success and sustainable profit.
The Heart of People Problems

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How to Stay
Out of the Box
1. You got out of the box in a particular situation.
(For example, you saw people being genuine with each other; it was
eye-opening; you wanted that; you changed.)
2. You then begin to question your virtue in other situations.
3. You see your hypocrisy as it is.
4. A light comes on and the blaming emotions go out.
5. You see and feel straightforwardly as your ‘box’ or ‘island of
isolation’ is penetrated by the humanity of others.
6. You more regularly see and honor others’ needs, hopes and
worries; you see those as being as real and legitimate as any
others, including your own.

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Too Difficult?
 It’s a fundamental change in a way of being toward others.
 You see them as they are.
 The realistic way you see them is also the realistic way you
begin to see yourself.
 When you do not betray them you will not betray yourself.
 You return to honoring your out-of-the-box sensibilities.

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Is it too much
to do at once?
 Maybe you can’t change as quickly as you’d like.
 You do your best under the circumstances.
 At a minimum, you stay open to a sense of humanity.

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Why, Again?
 At times we all want to say, “They’re the problem.”
 When we focus on others’ incompetence we wrongly position
ourselves as a helpless victim or a superior being.
 In contrast, being out-of-the-box requires no self-justification.
 The result is focusing on results instead of oneself.
 Only when out-of-the-box can you focus fully on the needs of a
client (or anyone else).

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It’s Not Too Much
 In-the-box desperation is what causes you to try to prove
something about yourself.
 Out-of-the-box obligations are easy.
 Start now and “let the box melt away.”

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So, next time
will you…
Respond to the sense of how you need to help and to be?
Ignore impulses to defensively blame?
Focus instead on the client’s needs?

Get Out of the Box

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