The 'Rising Strong' process

© Johan Roels, Thought Philosopher @ Roels’ Inn 1

Part I: The value of being contrary
When you fail, goof or experience a setback you have a
choice; whether 1) you show the mainstream behavior
and start blaming ‘the other’, start looking around until
you’ve found the scape goat; and if unfortunately you
don’t find one, you finally blame ‘Murphy’, or 2) you
react contrary: you refuse to judge, to blame ‘the other’
or to condemn him, on the contrary, you choose to live
the ‘Rising Strong’ process from the inside out. This
process starts with what I call a ‘Crucial dialogue’, with
yourself and your environment regarding your goof or
your fail. During this dialogue I recommend you to use
the Crucial Dialogue Modeli ii
. Doing this you solve ‘the
problem’’ preventing it at the same time from happening
again in the future.
In order to be contrary and to dare to look in the mirror
you need the courage in order to demonstrate what it
looks like to endure failure and disappointment; to feel
one’s own vulnerability, one’s own hurt instead of
working it out on other people. Be willing to be fully
aware of the nasty reality, to own your own story and to
continue to liver your own values and norms and
effectively display all this, to keep showing up; this is
the behavior I’ve ultimately chosen.
The ‘Rising Strong’ process is in fact the Creative
Interchange process lived from the inside out after a
failure. When it comes to living Creative Interchange and
thus applying the Crucial Dialogue Model – thinking,
emotions and human behavior – the adage ‘The more I
learn, the less I know” is right on. When learning from
one’s own mistakes one encounter one’s own limitations.
That’s how I’ve learned tot give up my claim for ‘being
right’! What I do instead is live a basic and universal
truth: Creative Interchange (CI). During this I’m
vulnerable and I engage fully in the ‘Rising Strong’
process. I have the courage to accept this challenge and I
do not only live this process form the inside out, I make
this living visible. All this in the knowing that I do control
the ultimate result. Indeed, you can live fully Creative
Interchange, you cannot steer the process towards a
specific result.
The ‘Rising Strong’ Process
1. Introduction
2. Creative
Interchange

© Johan Roels, Thought Philosopher @ Roels’ Inn

The ‘Rising Strong’ process
2
Vulnerability is not about winning or losing; it’s having
the courage to live CI from the inside out and be seen as
such, without having any control over the outcome; it is
not a sign of weakness, it’s our greatest sign of courage.
When you are living CI that way, you are – as Theodore
Roosevelt worded it in his 1910 “Man in the arena”
speechiii
– actually in the arena. You are not in the arena
for the sake of the spectators, nor are you a spectator
yourself. You are aware of your living the process, and
you are the doer of deeds, no spectator. What’s more,
you don’t give a damn for spectators who just hurl mean-
spirited criticism and put-downs from a safe distance.
That’s why I turned my back to Twitter last year. Twitter
is filled with people who never venture onto the floor.
This also means that I have become selective about the
feedback I let into my life. For me, if you’re not standing
with me in the arena and thus having the possibility to be
kicked in the ass yourself, I’m not interested in your
feedback. If you, on the other hand, are with me in the
arena, then I will appreciate your feedback; I will even
ask for it. I don’t think of this as a real Roels’ ‘rule’,
nevertheless if you are not vulnerable yourself, as I am,
If you are not willing to engage in a dialogue with me,
with the risk that this dialogue will turn into a crucial
one, I’m not interested in your feedback.
If we are brave to be authentic often enough, the physics
of vulnerability teach us that we will eventually fall.
That’s why ‘The Boxer’ of Paul Simoniv
has become one
of my favorite songs. I certainly know that if I have the
courage to be vulnerable I will eventually make contact
with the canvas. I also know that I will rise again,
because I’ve chosen to live CI from the inside out.
In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains.
Paul Simon – The Boxer
Since I’ve chosen to live Creative Interchange ‘beyond
the point of no return’, I can’t go back; the fighter still


3
remains. Similarly, I can’t go back to the reality just
before the fall. I believe strongly that I will learn from
the experience and will land at a ‘higher’ level than
where I was just before the fall. What I also know beyond
any doubt is that I will have to go through the dust with
my face covered be blood, sweat and tears typical for
the fight. Enjoyable is different, but I haven’t chosen for
fun, but for growth. And that is always accompanied by
growing pains. It is on the one hand painful and, on the
other hand, I know that I will, at the end of the fight,
rise again as ‘reborn’ and ‘better’. By this Awareness and
this Confidence I get the strength to go on pushed by the
creative tension to a higher level. That force (cf. The
Force of Yoda) is nothing else but Creative Interchange.
And, to be honest, easy and peaceful is this fight not at
all.
Getting up after the fall is a personal task and yet I am
not alone. I own the inner certainty that – if a) I stay
connected with others and b) live Creative Interchange
with them from the inside out – I’ll succeed! In other
words, in the solitude of the setback you have the
challenge to search and to find creative connection with
others. To this end, giving trust 'upfront ' is an
advantage. It is better that you sometimes your trust was
harmed then that you can never gave your trust 'upfront';
in other words that you wait until this trust is 'earned',
because then it could be too late.
Real creative interchange translates what we learn from
a failure or a mistake into a decision to action. By
continuously performing that action with commitment
and perseverance, Creative Interchange enables that
eventually the new behavior becomes a new, good habit.
Real learning navigates from the head, the heart and our
hands to our mind and ultimately transforms our
mindset.
Learning to get up after a hit, through experiencing
Creative Interchange from within, became a part of my
mindset. I know that I occasionally will fall and I also
know that I, through living CI from within, will rise
stronger and better. That I will be standing upright, agile
and resilient, fully in my real life again until I will
stumble and fall one’s again. That is, I’ve learned, a
natural law such as gravity. The ‘Rising Strong’ process
after a setback is always the same process; whether it's
about personal or organizational problem; the creative
interaction process helps us back on our feet again.


4
In short, in order to be agile (proactive) or resilient (re-
active), it is necessary to live Creative Interchange from
the inside out. This has finally become wisdom, which I
now transfer, the best I can, to my three grandchildren.
Because they will – as Fons Leroy so aptly outlined in an
interview on Flemish television journal of 7 October
2016, the day after the announcement of the mass
dismissal at ING – need this in the future more than
often. I pass this knowledge nowadays because I realize
that the day will come that I no longer will be able to
stand up. Also that is a law of nature, every life is finite,
even mine. What will surely live on is the creative
interaction process and hopefully, my most fervent wish,
also in my grandchildren. I’m passing the living of
Creative Interchange I through showing them how
thoughts, emotions and behavior form a coherent whole,
as the Crucial dialogue model so beautiful clarifies.
The biggest problem with Creative Interchange is that it
looks like an easy formula that applies to everyone. Don't
get me wrong; Creative Interchange does apply to
everyone; what's more, we're born with it! The problem
lays in the fact that Creative Interchange is seen during
the first conscious introduction as an easy formula. This
is also because I did not succeed (yet) to present CI in an
understandable complex way. My most complex
presentation of CI is the ' Butterfly model ' with its four
phases, eight basic conditions and sixteen skills:
3. Agile and
Resilient
4. Creative
Interchange is
not a
formula!


5
This presentation looks indeed already more complicated
than the Lemniscate model I once started with. I explain
the butterfly model, however, still too much as a kind of
'step by step' approach, which it is not. The butterfly
model provides a possible route (communication →
appreciation → imagination → transformation), which,
however, can be run in different ways. The cause and
effect thinking, that the model might imply, can be
completely reversed, and in addition, each of the four
phases encompasses all four phases. For example: the
fourth phase, transformation, has the skill of giving and
receiving feedback. Feedback should be given
(communication), appreciatively understood
(appreciation), invite change and thus finding ideas to
this end (imagination), the chosen ideas have ultimately
to be implemented (transformation).
Creative Interchange really does not have a linear
process order. Granted, I am almost always conveniently
presenting it as such during the first introduction of CI.
As I have already stated, by using my Crucial Dialogue
model and its four phases. I always add during those
presentations that this way of presenting is actually too
simple and too linear for the living, complex, organic life
process that Creative Interchange is. Creative
Interchange seems at first sight indeed following certain
patterns, but is certainly not to be described in a
formula, let alone in a step-by-step linear order. It has in
many cases the form of the old Echternach procession
(three steps forward followed by two backward). That
rule led, as you may know, to such chaos that it
ultimately was drastically changed: it became a dance
procession. Creative Interchange is very much like a
dance where the participants are linked with one
another. Not with a white handkerchief, as the current
protocol of the Echternach procession prescribes, but
with the Creative Interchange process itself. "You have to
go with the flow", I say sometimes, well aware that the
phenomenon of 'Flow' is actually one of the many
manifestations of Creative Interchange.
Creative Interchange is a repetitive, iterative and even
intuitive process that takes different forms for different
people. Also different contexts provide for different
experiences of Creative Interchange. There is not always
a clear relationship between effort and result. You can
just be living CI as firm and as pure as possible. When
the result is not commensurate with the effort, then one
needs to reflect on that, which in itself is another
experience of living Creative Interchange.


6
By the experience of Creative Interchange from within,
even and especially when standing up after a deadly fall,
you learn that you are part of a larger whole. The
Franciscan Richard Rohr says this aptly when he states:
"You know after any truly initiating experience that you
are part of a much bigger whole. Life is not about you
henceforward; but you are about life."v
Another father,
Paul de Sauvigny de Blot SJ, taught me, actually more so
than Charlie Palmgren, that ‘Rising strong’ is essentially
a spiritual exercise. In his dissertationvi
with as main
character, the founder of the Jesuit order Ignatius of
Loyola, " time and time “spirituality" pops up in Ignatius
life story as a crucial part of resilience and the battle
after a heavy setback in order to stand up again. Father
de Blot defines spirituality as "inner experience that
transcends myself, gives direction to my life and makes
sense of my existence.”
The inner experience of Creative Interchange leads to
following inner certainty: Creative Interchange is the
process of life. CI is the ‘mother’ process of all learning
and change, thus of all transformation. Creative
Interchange is based on our interconnectedness and
through experiencing CI from our experiences become
‘spiritual exercises’. To me, one of the main applications
of Creative Interchange as spiritual exercise is ‘Rising
strong’ after being hit to the ground. Because this Rising
Strong’ requires a deep-rooted belief in the power of
Creative Interchange through interconnectedness and
requires a struggle with yourself and in most cases the
recovery of meaning and purpose.
What I've learned is that without the experience of
Creative Interchange it is extremely difficult to raise
strong again. That life lesson I learned in my most dark
period so far (my massive depression: 2008-2010). Then
resilience came rather late, what I have much later
forgiven me with quite troublesome way. I should have
brought my knowledge already in practice during that
phase in my life, since I had already published my book '
Creatieve wisselwerking (Creative Interchange)' years
before. Eventually I connected me back with the process
of life. For some inexplicable reason I thought in that
dark period much about the song "Don't cry for me,
Argentina"vii
, in which I replaced 'Argentina' by 'Creative
Interchange':


7
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window,
staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I
desired
They are illusions
They're not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me
….
Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that
Every word is true!
At my next whack – colon cancer 2013 – I did it much
better and I was already acting before uppercut. Living
proactively, so agile, Creative Interchange from within,
as well with myself as with my environment, I saw that
knock 'arrive'. Unfortunately my family doctor did not
believe my 'inner certainty ' at all; He knew the better.
Colon cancer could not at all being my reality, given my
history – he was my third family doctor in a series of
grandfather-father-son. I did have quite a bit of
difficulties to get out from under that loyalty, which in
turn was a Creative Interchange life lesson. In the case of
colon cancer is avoiding the blow is really not an option,
Rise directly strong and go on is the message! And that is
exactly what I have done! You can always check with my
three grandchildren: Eloïse, Edward and Elvire. When
push comes to shove, they are the biggest reason for my


8
‘going on as I’m going on’. Putting this way the 'cause
and effect ' model upside down.
In the following sections we discuss the ‘Rising Strong’
process in detail. The figure below is a possible
representation of this process:


9
Part II: Owning your own story
The Rising Strong process is, as stated in part I, the
experience of the Creative Interchange process from
within (Creative Interchange – CI). By living the CI
process from within, we learn our stinker story and
experience the resulting pain, so that we can
appreciatively understand both through which we can
later exploit in order to eventually find the courage to
write later a positive new sequel to our story. This part II
is about connecting in silence with yourself so that you
can give in following stages life back to a chance so that
ultimately you can heal.
Brené Brown states several times in her books: "Owning
your own story and while doing this keep loving yourself
is the bravest thing what you can ever do." Therefor you
have to come into connection with your stinker and you
failing and yet continue to love yourself. It is not only
the most courageous, it is also the wisest thing that you
can do, if you want the famous quote of footballer-
philosopher Johan Cruyff: "every disadvantage have its
advantage" to come true by searching consciously the
potential benefit in your story and ultimately realize this
advantage effectively.
The Rising Strong process starts with identifying the facts
of your story. To this end, among other things, the first
characteristic of Creative Interchange is needed:
Authentic interaction. Not only authentic interaction
with your self; also authentic interaction with people
from your area who witnessed your fail story. Then you
have to be curious enough to ask the right questions and
to get correct answers to these questions. Thereby you’ll
ultimately understand your story appreciatively which
will lead later on to more or less violent feelings (part
III). In doing so, your do not seek a rapid conclusion and
1. Identifying
and owning
your own
story
2. Authentic
Interaction


10
you don't go into the action (the so-called odious ' jump
to conclusion ' behavior). On the contrary you reflect
long enough on your own story until you fully
appreciatively understand the complex ‘causes and
consequences' chain that led to it.
This is what we will cover in in this column. It is a phase
of connection and calmness, not of fighting, freezing or
fleeing. At the end of that phase you really feel at the
first hand what needs to be changed (part III) and you
need to transform those feelings turning creative ideas
into possible solutions (part IV) who once realized (part
V) ensure that the quote of Johan Cruijff eventually
becomes a reality: the disadvantage (the fall) is an
advantage (we stand up again and we go through)!
In this part, 'owning your own story’, you need to be very
genuine, authentic and whole in order to be able to
appreciatively the real meaning of your own story. That
is the start of the process. In doing so, we need to
answer the question what role we play in our own lives:
"Do we want to write the story yourself or we give the
direction of our lives to someone else?" Choose to write
our own story, gives an uncomfortable feeling: it is
choosing courage over convenience.
Our body often reacts before we have fully understood
what’s going on and those reactions are aimed to protect
us by fleeing, fighting or freezing. This is because our
body carries a centuries old programming: a reflex
‘habit’ behavior that has been carved into us since
centuries. In the Rising Strong process we cannot
determine a brave new course if we do not understand
exactly where we actually are, are not curious about how
we ended up there and do not have an inner certainty
where we eventually want to go. We must are
emotionally accountable to ourselves?


11
When we are flat on our face in the arena, ours first
reaction is often to look around if anyone has seen it. We
sense directly shame welling up and, if we live according
to the 'mainstream' philosophy (see part I), we start
looking for someone or something to blame, the culprit
or scapegoat. Of course we look for the scapegoat, in
accordance with the 'ruling' mindset, outside ourselves.
The combination shame/blame is so common because
we, out of desperation to soften the pain, see blame as
‘a quick fix’. They who take a refuge in blaming someone
or something outside himself or herself, the need to
control is so strong that they want to assign blame. They
think they feel better after they’ve pointed the finger at
someone or something, but in fact nothing changes.
Blame is deadly in relationships. It is toxic. But,
unfortunately, it remains the preferred response of the
most of us.
If we are, like I am, 'against the grain ', we look at our
story first from a distance, as if it were a story of
someone else is. Put another way, we observe the facts
of our story with our, what I call, 'clear consciousness'.
This is in Anglo-Saxon countries identified as the concept
of Awareness. So, we describe first our story with what I
call clear consciousness; we observe in other words the
"naked" truth.
Only then we color our story with our colored
consciousness (in Anglo-Saxon countries they simply use
the concept consciousness). In doing so we need also and
most importantly, to understand and describe our own
input into the story. Doing this, we are fully experiencing
the second characteristic of Creative Interchange:
Appreciative understanding. This also means that, if we
identify a different actor than ourselves, we first ask
what role we have played ourselves. "Have we tolerated
3. Awareness vs
Consciousness


12
the others’ behavior or have we triggered it?" is one of
the pertinent questions we can ask ourselves during this
analysis. We do look sincerely into the mirror and are not
beating it into pieces! We make sure that we, in seeing
‘the truth’ we do not blaming ourselves since that is
undermining and has little added value.
We are also convinced that if we deny our stories of
failing or are denying those difficult stories, these do not
go away. On the contrary, we understand fully that in
that case they will possess and thereby determine us. We
deliberately choose not to let this happen. We let us not
control 'from the outside in’!
One of the reasons that we sometimes dare not to be
accountable for our stinker stories is fear. In that context
we’re asking the following questions: "What if I do find
something regarding my behavior that is not so pleasant?"
or "What will others think of me?" Fear causes us wanting
to cover up our stories, full knowing well that that
covering up does not really exists. Fear leads to ostrich
behavior. It's not because we bury our heads in the sand
that our fellow people become blind.
What is necessary in order to take full accountability of
your own story is curiosity, not coincidentally one of the
basic conditions of the second characteristic of Creative
Interchange: “Appreciative Understanding”. New
information 'as such' is not changing our way of thinking
and thereby also not our lives. Father Paul de Blot SJ
taught me that when something falls upon you, you not
only have to pick it up. You must, above all, learn
something from and do something with it. The real
learning is action learning, not the collection of
information. In fact, Paul de Blot talks in this about the
creative interaction process. Information alone does not
cause transformation!
Keeping the 'childlike' curiosity means to me to accept
that 'nothing is for nothing ' and that I have to live that
knowledge until it becomes wisdom. Curiosity is an act of
vulnerability and courage. You have to be brave to want
to know, because you never know in advance whether
you're going to find something, for which you really can
be blamed or that indicates that you were wrong.
Curiosity is unpleasant because it also means uncertainty
in addition to vulnerability. Curiosity is thereby a
contrarian capacity that is different from the
'mainstream' standard.
3. Appreciative
Understanding


13
Besides curiosity being able to deal with uncertainty is a
basic condition of this stage of the Rising Strong process.
The reason why both are crucial to this process is that
the varied and sometimes eccentric path of the Rise
Strong again is really against-the-grain. Embracing
vulnerability, curiosity and uncertainty, which is needed
to get up after a fall, is also a bit dangerous, especially
for our environment. People who do not continue to lie
flat down after a hit, but – like the boxer in Paul Simon's
song – gets up are often troublemakers. Difficult to
control because "the fighter still remains!" They ask the
right tough questions and that too is against-the-grain
and can be dangerous.
We need to have a certain degree of knowledge or
consciousness before we can get curious. We aren’t
curious about something we are unaware of or know
nothing abut. The story that we have seen with our clear
consciousness (awareness) has triggered our curiosity.
"How is it for God’s sake possible that this happened to
me?" Our curiosity, which leads to the coloring of our
story (consciousness), is really hooked to our awareness
regarding our stinker-story. We do this by humbly asking
pertinent questions (cf. ' Humble Inquiry ' by Edgar
Schein), which can sound dangerous in the ears of others.
Capturing our uncensored story is a crucial part in order
to able to appreciatively understand it. However we are
aware that our first version in most cases an ‘invented
‘story is, that should be refined afterwards. The
advantage of this uncensored story is that there are
hidden answers on three critically important questions;
questions that lead to increased self-knowledge and
inner integration and that provide for more courage,
empathy, compassion and connection to our lives:
1. What more do I need to learn and understand
about the situation?
a. Which ones of my statements are objective?
b. Which ones of my statements are based on
suppositions?
about the other players in my story?
a. Do I need supplementary information?
b. What humble questions do I need to ask in
that regard?
about myself?
a. What role did I really play?


14
b. What is in my left column (cf. Left Column
exercise f Argyrisviii
)?
The biggest danger that can sneak in when we are truly
facing our failure-story is that we question our intrinsic
worth. We always need to remind us of the difference
between eccentric value and intrinsic worth. Due to our
failure maybe our eccentric value can drop (others could
be getting a lower opinion of us), but truly, our intrinsic
worth can never be brought into question, since our
intrinsic worth is changeless. Charlie Palmgren says in
this regard that we should re-dis-cover what was never
out of sight from the inner eye; find what we’ve never
lost: our intrinsic worth. Billy Joel sings about that
intrinsic worth in his song ' River of Dreams ':
I’ve been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I’d never lose
Something somebody stole …
Charlie writes in his already cited ‘The Chicken
Conspiracy’: “You are a human being of worth. Worth is
a constant. Your worth is unconditional. In truth, your
worth is a given. You never have been and you never will
be worth more than you are right now. You are worth all
you can be worth at this very moment.” His definition is
surprising in its simplicity:
Worth is defined by the capacity to engage in
transforming creativity.
Brené Brown comes to exactly the same conclusion based
on her research in her book ‘Rising Strong’ix
. In fact
reading her book was the trigger to writes these series of
columns with the same title.
My grandson taught me to love the Star Wars films and
more specifically I came to like the dialogues between
Yoda and Luke Skywalker. For example, The Empire
Strikes Backx
contains at least a few crucial scenes.
In a first scene Luke sees, during a workout, that his X-
Wing is about to disappear into the bog. Then unfolds
following dialogue in which Yoda describes Creative
Interchange (' the Force '):
4. Intrinsic
Worth vs
Excentric
Value
5. Yoda and Luke
Skywalker
dialogues


15
Luke: Oh, no! We'll never get it out now!
Yoda: So certain, are you? Always with you, what
cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?
Luke: Master, moving stones around is one thing,
but this is... totally different!
Yoda: No! No different! Only different in your
mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Luke: All right, I'll give it a try.
Yoda: No! Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
Luke tries to use the Force to levitate his X-Wing out of
the bog, but fails in his attempt.
Luke: I can't. It's too big.
Yoda: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by
my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should
not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it
is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy
surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we,
not this crude matter. You must feel the Force
around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the
rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and
the ship.
Luke: You want the impossible.
Luke sees that Yoda uses ‘the Force’ to levitate the X-
Wing out of the bog and gets flustered when he
succeeds.
Luke: I don't... I don't believe it!
Yoda: That is why you fail.
In another pivotal scene Yoda is training Luke to become
a Jedi warrior, teaching him how to honorable use of the
Force and how the dark side of the force – anger, fear,
and aggression – can consume him if he doesn’t learn
how to find calm and inner peace (i.e. how to live
Creative Interchange from within). You have already
understood that to me the Force is a metaphor whilst the
dark side of it is a metaphor for the Vicious Circlexi
.
In this scene, Luke and Yoda are standing in the dark
swamp where they’ve been training when a strange look
comes over Luke. He points towards a dark cave at the
base of a giant tree and, looking at Yoda, he says,
“There’s something not right here… I feel cold. Death.”
Yoda explains to Luke that the cave is dangerous and
strong with the dark side of the Force. Luke looks


16
confused and afraid, but Yoda’s response is simply, ‘You
must go.”
When Luke asks what’s in the cave, Yoda explains, “Only
what you take with you.”
As Luke straps on his weapons, Yoda hauntingly advises,
“Your weapons, you will not need them”
The cave is dark and thick with vines. Steam eerily rises
of the ground while a large snake wind sits way over a
branch and a prehistoric-looking lizard perches on a limb.
As Luke slowly makes his way through the cave, his
enemy, Darth Vader, confronts him. They both draw
their light sabers and Luke quickly cuts of Vader’s
helmeted head. The head rolls to the ground and the
face guard blows of the helmet, revealing Vader’s face.
Luke is staring at his own head on the ground.
This story is a wonderful metaphor for our entering our
own story in order to face it. This can also be scary and
ominous, since what we ultimately have to face is
ourselves. The hardest part about our stories is often
what we bring in it – what our colored consciousness
invents about who we are and how we want to be seen
by others. What makes the story so painful is what we
tell ourselves about our own values and regarding what
we are really worth. In doing so, we’re stuck too much to
our eccentric core values (values) and too little to our
intrinsic value (Worth). We've told literarily hundred
times how we ‘lost’ our intrinsic worth. It is the story of
the Vicious Circle that we learned from Charlie Palmgren
and that we have included both of my latest books:
‘Creatieve wisselwerking’xii
and ‘Cruciale dialogen’xiii
.
Owning our stories means reckoning with our feelings and
rumbling with our dark emotions – our fear, anger,
aggression, shame and blame. This isn’t easy, but the


17
alternative – denying our stories and disengaging from
emotion – means to live our entire lives in the dark.
We are facing a fundamental choice, which
metaphorically can be compared to the choice Neo is
offered by Morpheus in the movie filled with metaphors:
The Matrixxiv
: the choice between the red and the blue
pill.
This represents the choice between embracing the
sometimes-painful truth of reality (red pill) and the
blissful ignorance of illusion (blue pill).
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that
most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure
around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson
This famous paraphrase of a passage from Marianne
Williamson’s book ‘A Return to Love’xv
is often
erroneously attributed to Nelson Mandela's 1994
inaugural address. It describes in a nutshell the


18
brightness of the Creative Interchange process; ‘which is
not just in some of us; it is in everyone’.
If we decide to own our story and to live up to our truth
and appreciatively understanding both, we are able to
bring light in the darkness. How we can do that, we’ll
describe in the parts that will follow soon.


19
Part III: (What) Do I Have to Change ?!?
This part is about answering the question “Do I want to
go back on my feet and live more form my full human
‘being’?” The answer to that question will lead us to
what has to be change in order to write an new and
hopefully successful sequel to our story.
In this paper describing the ‘Rinsing Strong’ process I’ve
arrived at the middle part. Since this process has we
have already explained can be seen as the living of the
Creative Interchange process from within, this part can
be visualized by the middle of our Crucial Dialogue
Modelxvi
.
In that middle we encounter the ‘Delta’:
Delta noun and the fourth letter in
the Greek alphabet – is the
mathematical symbol for difference.
A capital delta is a triangle.
It is the difference - the delta – between (a) what we
have now that we have appreciatively understood our
failure story, the meaning and wisdom of this life
experience and b) what we need in order to go back on
our feet and to live more form our full human ‘being’. In
other words, the delta is the difference between our
insight in our present reality and our needs.
Even though the words difference and delta can mean
the same thing, I like to use the word delta because the
triangle symbol connect me with the triptych that is
fundamental and that is visualized through my model:
Thinking (parts I &II) – Connecting/Feeling (part III) –
Acting (parts IV and V).
1. The ‘Delta’


20
In appreciatively understanding fully our story of the fall,
we feel, especially because of the ‘delta’ emotions and
feelings. Those can provide for ‘knee-jerk’ reactions. We
can though make sure that those kinds of reactions are
stopped from the first spark on. Those emotions and
feelings do not trigger fighting (and hitting the other),
nor fleeing (and blame the other) nor freezing (to close
up – ‘shit happens’). Even when we attribute the fault to
ourselves, we don’t feel us a loser at all, we recognize
those emotions and will control them from within. We do
not blame ourselves and we feel ourselves, if needed,
accountable; being accountable means that you accept
that you are responsible for specific actions an their
consequences. Accountability is a prerequisite for strong
relations and a strong organizational culture. In order to
be accountable, authenticity, courage and action is
needed in order to apologize and correct your mistakes.
This is an act of vulnerability. We have to be courage to
analyze our feelings and reconcile our behavior and
decisions with our values and norms. We refuse that our
feelings control us ‘from the outside in’. In other words,
our emotions do not control us. We refuse to play the
victim! Even when our mistake happened without being
responsible what so ever we refuse to play the role of
the victim and stand up again…’the fighter still remains!’
We operate from a paradigm of engagement, not from
the old outside-in ‘control and command’ paradigm.
Of course, the quality of those emotions and feelings
depend of the mishap-story and the context. I hope that
you do not resolve those emotions by hurting or attacking
somebody in you environment. “You may not control all
the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to
be reduced by them.” wrote Maya Angelou in “Letter to
my Daughter’xvii
. What you should not let happen is that
your self-confidence is vanished through your falling
down.
Self-confidence and making mistakes can perfectly
coexist, if we continue to make it good, continue to act
according to our values and shame, if we immediately
bend shame and blame into a positive reaction.
Whatever the context or its size was, failure is
accompanied by the feeling that we have lost a part of
our personal power. In this context I do love Martin
Luther King’s quote:
Power, properly understood,
2. Emotions and
Feelings
3. Personal
Power


21
is the ability to achieve purpose
We do have personal power to achieve our personal goal
and transformational change. That is why our Crucial
Dialogue Model gathers in its middle the personal
characteristics: Intrinsic Worth, Core Values, Core
Qualities, Personal Purpose, Positive Intention and
Personal Engagement.
By connecting again with our Intrinsic Worth and by not
only slowing down our personal Vicious Circle, rather by
‘reversing it’, in short by living creative interchange from
within we reconnect with our personal Purpose en give
ourselves the power to achieve it.
The most dangerous to ourselves and to the people
around is when we feel powerless, so we have to reject
powerlessness. Since we know that powerlessness leads
to fear and desperation. Despair means not believing any
more in Creative Interchange. Despair is the spiritual
dessert; it’s the belief that tomorrow will be just as
today. The opposite of despair is hope. Which is


22
anchored in the creative interaction process: you can be
better off tomorrow have when you set your goals,
create the paths to those goals, and has the tenacity and
the perseverance to walk these roads in order to achieve
the set goals. You believe in your own ability (power) to
live Creative Interchange from within: "You Believe in the
Power of the Force!"
Mindfulness says, “Feel the pain” and self-
compassion says, “Cherish yourself in the midst
of the pain”; two ways of embracing our lives
more wholeheartedly.1
You are really aware of your emotions. That means that
you give yourself the permission to feel them and thus to
pay attention to them in the 'here and now'. What you
need to do is create literally create a pause between
action and reaction in order to able to 'mindful' evaluate
those emotions. In this context one pleads more and
more for self-compassion. This is the ability to accept
ones elves with mildness while suffering. Current
research shows that self-com-passion is strongly
associated with emotional resilience, including the
ability to be calm, to acknowledge our failures, learn
from them so that they motivate us to succeedxviii
.
Science has now shown that self-pity is potentially an
important factor in the context of emotional problems
such as depression.
Marie R. Miyashiroxix
speaks in this context of two often-
misunderstood human characteristics:
1. Our ability to be naturally aware of our feelings
without judging them;
2. Our ability to connect these feelings to the
accompanying, whether or not, fulfilled needs.
If these needs are not met, we speak of a 'delta'.
At this stage we clearly feel the difference between
what we have and what we want to have. At this point in
the ‘Rising Strong’ process you are not satisfied with the
now fully appreciative understood reality being counted
down on the canvas. There is a big difference between
the current reality and the desired future, stand up again
and move on fully as a renewed human being.

1
Germer, C. K. The mindful path to self-compassion. New York:
Guilford, 2009 p 89


23
The delta shows us clearly the difference between the
appreciatively understood reality and the reality that you
wish for yourself, based on your values. Delta creates
emotions that can lead to two kinds of stress.
The creative tension is not the fear of change, which is,
by definition, reactive ('outside-in'). It is the tension that
you feel inside when one faces a choice. This tension is
natural and stems from the difference between what I
have now (the shared opinion on the reality) and that for
which I choose (the desired future). In that way, the
delta – between the reality and the vision – is the source
of creative energy we call creative tension.
In his book ‘The Fifth Discipline’xx
Peter Senge writes the
following about Creative Tension. Mastery of creative
tension leads to a fundamental shift in our whole posture
toward reality. Current reality becomes the ally not the
enemy. An accurate, insight view is as important as a
clear vision. And Peter Senge concludes, citing Robert
Fritz: “The truly creative person knows that all creating
is achieved through working with constraints. Without no
constraints there is no creating.”
This creative tension wells up when we’re clearly facing
the delta between current and desired situation. When
that gap is not only recognizes, but if we also recognize
that it is our responsibility to bridge that gap, you will
come close to a choice. The creative tension stems from
the fact that one recognizes the necessary force for the
displacement. The energy or labor is, as we know,
directly proportional to the force and the distance.
Three fundamental choices have to be made. If the first
choice in pursuing personal mastery is to be true to your
own vision, the second fundamental choice in support of
personal mastery is commitment to the truth. The third
is the continuous commitment to live creative
interchange from within. All three are equally vital to
generate creative tension that helps to decide regarding
the withheld choices so that the decision leads to
genuine transformation.
When during that transformation the reality slowly moves
from the 'crisis' situation to the desired situation, the
size of the delta reduce as logically the creative tension.
At that moment our permanent commitment to our
choice, Creative Interchange and continuous
4. Creative
Tension


24
improvement, provide for permanent energy (the Force)
from within, in order to finally reach our goal.
This has of course to do with the struggle between the
Vicious Circle and Creative Interchange: the Creative
Interchange process pushes us to the goal and the Vicious
Circle draws us away from that goal. Both are present in
virtually everyone. These are, so to speak, structural
data. How can we cope? Through increase the power of
one to at the expense of the force of the other, by a
profound personal change by which we slow down the
operation of the Vicious Circle and convert powerlessness
into creativity. By connecting us back to our intrinsic
Worth through the experience of Creative Interchange
from within.
The cause of powerlessness is called emotional tension.
The difference between emotional tension and creative
tension is of the same order as the difference between
‘bad’ (di-) and ‘healthy’ (eu-) stress. The emotional
tension is linked to the Vicious Circle and leads through
'you must' to cramping, to paralysis. The creative tension
is linked to the Creative Interchange process and leads
through ‘I choose’ to liberation.
We accept emotional tension from the outside in.
Emotional tension is created by the fact that we are
victim of old, worn out mindsets. Due to our personal
Vicious Circle we are always ready to react negatively:
"We are not able to make our dreams come true" because
"we fight, flight or freeze" and "we think we do not
deserve to achieve what we really want to achieve," in
other words "we think we are worthless."
Both of these tensions are always present to some
extent. If one tension becomes larger, the other
becomes smaller, and vice versa. The good news is that
5. Emotional
Tension


25
we ourselves are the driver of the vehicle of our lives;
we choose to what we pay attention. We can accept to
observe those emotions, face them and consciously
choose let the creative tension to do its work through
Creative Interchange.
I love the concept ‘delta’ too because deltas are where
rivers meet the sea. They’re marshy, full of sediment,
and forever changing. They are also rich and fertile areas
of growth, like the Zeeland Flemish polders where I met,
more than fifty years ago, ‘our’ Rita, my beloved wife. I
guess the latter will also have to do with my preference
for the concept of ' delta '. This is where we need to our
work. Our key insights regarding our future emerge from
the delta.
It is the place where we recognize our needs, fix our
goals and where we express the expectation to grow and
change, to stand up again and keep going. We love
ourselves for who we are, even if we are ‘facedown’,
and therefore we express our expectation about who we
could be!
At that moment "integrity" is of the utmost importance. I
really love Brené Brown's definition of this term in 'Rising
Strong’xxi
:
Integrity is choosing courage over comfort;
choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or
easy; and choosing to practice our values rather
than simply professing them.
We are willing to accept responsibility for our own lives.
We are prepared not to opt for convenience and we do
not accept the first best solution. On the contrary, we
courageously choose to start the search for those
solutions that really matter. This leads us to the most
difficult part of the ‘Rising Strong’ process. The
extremely difficult third part in which we should
embrace uncertainty again until we found enough good
potential solutions in order to make an informed choice.
We are now convinced that something needs to change.
We have fully clarified the why of that need for change.
It is not in accordance with our personal mission to
continue to lay facedown (cf. The Why? Simon Sinek).
Meanwhile, the Who? Is crystal clear: I, together with
others in my environment, should embark on the quest
for solutions. The How? Is and remains the ‘Rising Strong’


26
process par excellence: Creative Interchange. The
answers to the What question will clarify the hardest
part of our journey. We embrace our uncertainty with
one certainty: the creative interaction process will
provide for the necessary solutions. Which? We do not
know yet, we cannot steer nor control Creative
Interchange. We know that ultimately we will have to
make a choice amongst the potential solutions that will
have been created and that we will have to live those
from within in order to be finally back on our feet, full
upright and continue to go strong again.
Suddenly it dawns on me that I have no time to lose and
cannot longer be distracted by trivial matters. We are
focused and nothing or nobody can get in the way, as in
the classic song of Herman Van Veen: ‘Opzij, opzij,
opzij’:
Step aside, step aside, step aside,
Make room, make room, make room
We are in an incredible hurry.
Step aside, step aside, step aside,
Because we are almost too late,
We only have a few minutes.
We have to run, jump, fly, dive, fall, get up
and go on.
We can't stay right now,
We can't keep standing here any longer.
I came to myself in silence (Part I and Part II), got me
connected to my dream and my feelings (Part III) and am
now ready to get in connection with others, as a
complete human being and from the heart, to find and
choose solutions (part IV), thereby to rise again and
continue to go strong (part V).


27
Part IV: Creating AND choosing the
necessary actions
Thus far I’ve appreciatively understood my actual reality,
came to my Original Self in silence and connected me
with the future I truly desire. The time has come to
imagine all the actions that could lead to that desired
future; followed by choosing those actions that I can and
will perform from within. In other words: the road
towards the desired future and thus of going strong
again, even stronger than before the fall, has to be
constructed. Not with good intentions, but by creating
and choosing the necessary actions, in order to pave it.
In this third phase of the ‘Rising Strong’ process the third
characteristic of Creative Interchange – Creative
Integration – is at play. It is not about our ‘being’ any
more, it’s about our ‘becoming’. I need literally to
transcend to a higher self by incorporating new elements
in myself. This means in particular that the current
mental model that I had when I hit the ground, has to
expand. My personal mindset needs to be renewed,
because as the proverb says: "If you keep on doing what
you’ve always done, you will keep getting what you’ve
always gotten." The latter is of course not consistent at
all with the future I have in mind for myself.
This renewal causes uncertainty and ambiguity, and
because of "not yet knowing exactly what to do," it
causes confusion too. It is an interlude between being
the old and becoming the new way of being human.
I still find this third phase the most difficult part of the
‘Rising Strong’ process. I do not like it since it is a phase
of uncertainty that invariably results in discomfort. I still
have to learn to surrender to this critical characteristic
of the Creative Interchange process. I must be willing to
let go of my old 'certainties' and to tolerate uncertainty;
what’s more, I have to embrace ambiguity. I have to
learn to live permanently from the inside out all basic
conditions of all characteristics of Creative Interchange
and to adopt all corresponding behaviors.
I must therefore permanently trust, be open and curious
and, in addition, embrace uncertainty as a very young
child does. I, as an adult, need to regain consciously the
confidence I, as a child, unconsciously had in Creative
Interchange.
1. Creative
Integration
2. Embracing
Ambiguity


28
According to Jan Bommerez, Stephen Covey stated once:
"Trust is certainty about universal principles". One of
these universal principles is Creative Interchange. This
quote of Stephen Covey is actually my mission in life: ‘To
keep permanently inner certainty regarding Creative
Interchange. "Trust comes on foot and leaves on
horseback" is a universal wisdom that I too have
encountered in my life. What I learned over the years by
giving trust 'up front' is that trust can grow during a
relationship. If in a relationship trust is not growing, the
relationship itself is not worth the effort. After all,
Creative Interchange thrives through sound relationships.
In this search for actions, that not only allow me to rise
again but - more importantly - help me to go on, I have
to, along with my companions, interconnect creatively
elements that are seemingly unrelated. This creates an
"aha!" moment allowing a possible solution to come
suddenly into sight; a real moment of sudden insight or
discovery. In this part of my quest, new issues, which are
handed to me through the previous stages, are
integrated into my old way of thinking, creating thus a
new, fuller mindset.
My ‘third’ (spiritual) father Charlie Palmgren calls this kind of
consciousness, which is at play during this part of the ‘Rising
Strong’ process, synergistic consciousness.
Synergy means that the solution, created by connecting
elements in a unique way, 'is different from and more
than' than was expected. The result is more than the
‘mathematical sum’ of the properties of the elements
that are integrated. It is in other words not a plain
mixing of the ingredients; it is rather realizing a new
alloy. This new alloy has unique, surprising properties. So
a unique new solution needed in order to rise up from
the fall and to go strong forward again.
2. Synergistic
Consciousness


29
As being said, this stage is for me personally the hardest
one and this because I have seldom lived it consciously
myself. This is partly because I was drastically
conditioned during my education as civil engineer to
think linearly and thus was kept far away from intuitive
thinking. “Facts and figure" were sacred during our
university studies and the use of metaphors was not
taught. Once graduated ‘with great honor’ as civil
engineer, my indoctrination continued on the job at ‘the
Kuhlmann’, the plant of my first real work experience.
My collisions with director Nicolas Kopylov are still
etched in my memory:
Monsieur Roels vous n’êtes pas payé pour perdre
votre temps à chercher des solutions créatives,
vous êtes payé comme ingénieur, et un ingénieur
sait! (Mr. Roels you are not paid for losing your time in
trying to find creative solutions, you are paid as an
engineer and an engineer knows !)
I asked him then if he knew ''la chanson, monologue parlé
plus que chanté ‘Maintenant Je sais’ de Jean Gabin "; but
it was not the right time to ask Nicolas Kopylov about his
knowledge of the French ‘chanson’. The linear thinking
gave rise to a ‘cause-and-effect’ reflex and for any fact
there should be a tangible proof.
During my second professional life the ‘in-the-cause-and-
effect-box’ thinking remained preferential. The ISRS
audit gave little room for creativity, although I’ve been
just about the most creative Accredited Safety Auditor
ILCI has ever known. The ISRS purists did not always
applaud my way of doing; I ultimately called them
'ayatollahs'. I was slow in transforming, although I went a
lot further than the pure linear 5 Why thinking of Toyota
improving it with my own version of the highly branched
Fact Tree or Root Cause Tree. Yet I remained largely
stuck in ‘the one or the other’ and ‘the one and the
other’ thinking styles. Even later, when Charlie Palmgren
initiated me into the 'non-linear' and 'holistic' thinking, I
still stayed heavily influenced by linear thinking.
'Indoctrination' has its long-term side effects.
During my first three Professional Life’s I showed too
much of a "jump to conclusion" behavior. Indeed, I saw
rather quickly the possible solutions, which I
implemented without, too much thought. This again is a
proof that I took too little time to live fully this third


30
phase - the creation of unique solutions - from within. My
core quality ‘Decisive’ with its pitfall “Nagging" is not
foreign to that behavior.
During my fourth life I described in my book ‘Cruciale
dialogen’xxii
(‘Crucial Dialogues’) four skills, which
through living them strengthen the basic conditions
‘Connectivity’ and ‘Creativity’ of this third stage. By the
way, I describe in ‘Crucial Dialogues’ for each of the four
phases, in addition to the two basic conditions that
support the characteristic of that particular phase, four
distinctive skills. An important feature of Creative
Interchange is that by actually practicing the four skills,
the two basic conditions are enhanced and by
strengthening those two basic conditions the four skills
are in turn backed up. The skills of the third phase are
(1) re-framing the problem, use of (2) analogies, and (3)
metaphors and (4) the powerful tool "4+ and one whish".
Regarding the description of these skills I refer to my
book.
The massive depression I had to struggle through during
the period 2008-2010 made it possible to create time for
myself. I understood at that time the deeper meaning of
the French proverb, which I had learned from my friend
Guy Bérat,
"Il faut donner le temps au temps" (You have to give
time to time).


31
Not surprisingly it was Guy who helped me to have
confidence again in Creative Interchange.
So, it was only during my fourth professional life that I
came under the yoke of my preferential linear thinking
and that I took the time to practice the skills of this
stage. Unfortunately, I got a new setback: colon cancer.
Colon cancer is a problem where a ‘freeze, flight or
fight’ knee jerk reaction is of no use. "What you don’t
know won’t hurt you" is an old Dutch saying which is,
certainly in the case of cancer, a big lie. It's not because
you do not know that you have cancer that the cancer
stops to further proliferate.
The problem with cancer is not how you have to react
once it’s identified. The medicine is well advanced and
the protocols are ready. In my case those protocols were
immediately applied: starting with a dual approach of
chemotherapy and radiation, continuing later on with
surgery to remove the tumor and finally ending with
‘aftercare’ chemotherapy. Thus, the solution was already
available; at least concerning the purely physical side of
the problem.
The spiritual side was a different story. "How do I deal
with my cancer?" became a crucial question. You have to
provide for answering that question yourself. In my case,
I re-framed the question, as "How do I want to be
remembered by my grandchildren?" And that reframing,
which is an application of the above skill (1), led me to
(a part of) the solution. You can choose to be cynical and
bitter, and those attitudes have brought, to my
knowledge, very few successful transformations.
Obviously you do not know how many days you have left
in this world; on the other hand you know that you're not
alone with that lack of knowledge.
So I learned during that stage that the opposite of
cynicism and bitterness could lead me to the solution of
my problem. In the period after the 'bad news'
conversation with my doctor-specialist, I went through
the previous stages in a very short time. I opted for the
full Creative Interchange experience from within. I saw
my own cancer story fully in the face and ultimately
chose the following desired future: that I would be
together with my grandchildren as long, as often I could,
and that we would have fun learning together. To this
end I had to be excited and not grumpy, this I knew by
living skill (2) the 'use of analogies’. Finding those
analogies was not difficult. I just had to remember how


32
daughter Daphne responded when her grandfather Lionel
had become crusty, bitter and angry after he was
diagnosed having a malignant brain tumor. Eventually we
could very rarely persuade her to join us for a visit to her
grandfather. I knew therefore that I definitely should not
behave like this if my goal was to give my grandchildren
and myself a good time. A second analogy from my own
past provided for another piece of the solution. A
childhood friend, André De Decker was, when he had just
started at the University of Ghent, diagnosed with
leukemia. I visited him regularly at the St. Vincent
Hospital in Ghent. One day, when I was in André’s
hospital room, his older brother Edgard, an architect,
accompanied with the legendary Flemish graphic artist
Romain Coemelck, came into the room. Those two blood
brothers were in their Sunday best. I understood that
they were on their way to a wedding party when André
whispered at their leaving: "Have fun at the party!"
André was already very weak and I then realized that it
had become a matter of weeks before the inevitable
would happen. During that period I've never experienced
André, who was more intelligent and talented than me,
complaining or being cynical. On the contrary, he was
full of interest in my stories of my first year studying for
civil engineer in Ghent. That analogy made very clear
what I had to do if I wanted to reach my goal.
During the period from early September to late
December 2013, I did have time to find out what were
the possible actions, which might radiate my inner peace
and joy. During that period I fully appreciated from
within this phase of “creating and selecting the
necessary actions” of the ‘Rising Strong’ process.
In the period before the surgery I had a crucial dialogue
with my grandchildren’s mother, daughter Daphne. We
finally decided that they would not pay me a visit during
the first weeks of my stay at St Jan Brugge Hospital being
then surrounded "with all the whistles and bells”. "With
all the whistles and bells’ was a colorful statement of my
surgeon Tom Feryn. That metaphorical statement
describes the tubes and wires connecting my body with
all kinds of tools and devices, which were neatly situated
around my bedside. This is indeed not really a pretty
sight for young children. So we decided that they would
not come to the clinic during the first couple of weeks of
my stay there. When most of the ‘whistles and bells’ had
disappeared they came over and we had a pleasant
afternoon. The youngest, Elvire, had a wonderful time
playing my personal nurse.


33
During the second of my three week that I stayed in what
I then called 'my deluxe room with nice views in a four
star hotel', one of the nurses suddenly asked me:
"What is your secret Johan that you’re so
enjoyable every day'?"
“This is because I live my own book from
within, Christel.”
She looked at me with very big eyes and
responded, “Your own book? "
"Yes, a copy of it is laying there on the table
near the window, the one with the reddish
cover.”
There was indeed laying a copy of ‘Crucial dialogues’
because I had until five minutes before the nurses came
to transport me to the surgery room, worked on the
translation into French of Chapter 1. I had sent the
French translation of that chapter by email to Guy Bérat,
who took cared of adapting it to ‘real’ French. The book
remained laying there, because I had not yet left my bed
after the surgery. The nurse went to my table and picked
up the book
"Hey, Johan your name is on the cover!"
“"That is the custom, Christel. They always
print the name of the author on the cover of
the book he wrote."
When she was flipping the pages, I gave a brief
explanation of the content of the book. It’s about how to
run successfully difficult conversations that one
inevitably has several times in life and I gave her a few
possible examples from within her context: crucial
dialogues with opinionated doctors, a bossy head nurse,
difficult patients and noisy visitors. Christel continued
flipping through the book looking at the diagrams and
suddenly said:
"This seems extremely interesting, I definitely
could use it!”
"Do you really want to use it, Christel?”
“Of course Johan!"
"In that case I offer you a copy of my book."
"Do you give me this?" showing me the book she
had in her hands.


34
"No, Christel, this copy is too thumbed. I’ll ask
'our' Rita to bring you a maiden one this
afternoon."
The following ten days Rita brought at least twenty-five
copies of ‘Crucial Dialogues’ to my room in Saint John
Hospital in Bruges.
The next years I’ve repeatedly told people, that by living
my very own book from the inside out, I learned that it
really is an exceptional practical book, especially in the
context of the ‘Rising Strong’ process. You should not
only read it (which is already a chore), you have to live
from the inside out. As its subtitle states: it’s about
living daily Creative Interchange. And that's a different
story than merely understanding the 'butterfly' model!


35
Part V: Transformation
The final part of this series is obviously dedicated to the
‘going strong again’ section of the ‘Rising Strong’
process. We have risen again and have created and
considered several options to continue strong again.
These various options cannot be considered as decisions
yet. Concluding does not mean the same action as
deciding, although the two concepts are sometimes
(wrongly) see as synonyms and are used interchangeably.
Concluding means making considerations and thoroughly
considering the alternatives in order to be able to make
a choice. Deciding focuses on making an agreement and
giving a response to the questions regarding the options
that are concluded at the end of the previous stage:
"Who does what, where and when?"
You can literally see the distinction between to conclude
and to decide if you observe the state of mind of those
who complete the "passive" part of the critical dialogue
(phases one to three). Following a conclusion there is no
creative tension. Indeed, one did not decide to do
anything effectively. Nobody can be held accountable for
what has been decided, since nothing has been decided;
no one has committed himself to anything. When a
decision has been taken and moreover when this decision
has been established, one takes responsibility. Something
will definitely has to happen, so creative tension is
present. If I, in the context of that stage in the "Rising
Strong' process, notify others of the decision and thus my
responsibility regarding a specific actions, I do know that
others can speak up and address me regarding my
responsibility of those actions. This is also the advice I
give. Make suire that during your personal ‘Rising Strong’
process; you make people around you, your loved ones,
aware of your decision so that they you could coach
during your personal transformation process through
honest feedback.
This part is about keeping your promises to yourself and
others and thus to effective do what you’ve promised to
do. I call this part ‘transformation’ because during this
stage I transform myself. I’m creating a new Created Self
with a new mindset. The old mindset is released, if we
do not slip back into old stereotype behavior. This
transformation phase requires the most energy.
1. To Conclude
vs to Decide


36
As already stated one hears nowadays often that the
future belongs to those who are "agile" and "resilient." In
addition, the concept of agile often used in the
Management concepts of Lean and Holacracy and so on.
To me Agile is another synonym for Creative Interchange
and anyone who lives the creative interaction process
from within is by definition 4resilient’. An agile person
does not need 'updates' because he improves
continuously. Hence one of my favorite slogans:
(CI)²= Continuous Improvement
through Creative Interchange!
The transformation we’re talking about is nothing more
and nothing less than a transformation of the mindset.
“Seeing with new eyes is seeing from a new Frame of
Reference, from a new Mindset” my third father Charlie
Palmgren would argue. His mentor, Henry Nelson
Wieman, once said, "Creative Interchange is the process
that changes the mind, since the mind can not change
itself."
Deciding regards the tipping point between getting up
and going strong again. Deciding has to do with your
choice of solutions from the set that was created during
the previous part. Those solutions will be effectively
implemented in this final phase 'Transformation'.
This Tipping Point can be visualized by following Crucial
Dialogue Model:
2. Agile &
Reselient
3. Mindset
4. Tipping Point


37
There is a sort of 'standing' infinity symbol in the right
part of the 'big' infinity symbol. I have chosen the
Lemniscate, following Lex Bos, as the basic form of the
Crucial Dialogue Model. It is as if it were a dialogue
around the key questioning "Which of the possible
solutions we’ll chose and implement? ". This ‘dialogue
within the dialogue’, which also should encompass be
key resources needed for that implementation, should
off course be held before the decision is taken.
Stephen Covey wrote more than twenty years ago in his
still relevant book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People": "Begin with the end in mind" This mission leads
to the generated solutions, solutions which, with the use
of the necessary resources for its purpose, will lead to
the desired target, creating the desired future.
In this resides also the truth of my paraphrase of the
famous Edison quote: "Transformation is 1% inspiration
and 99% perspiration." The original quote is talking about
genius. You must indeed be a genius to bring to fruition a
transformation ‘within time and within budget’.
Another important element lies in the paradox of Henry
Nelson Wiemans’ ‘two fold commitment’. On the one
hand one should fully be true to the decision, with
passion and tenacity, not to flinch is the message. On the
other hand one needs constantly to stay open to learn
what the changing reality has to learn and therefore dare
to change if that reality asks for a change of the
implementation plan.
Commitment is the willingness to do whatever is needed
to actually accomplish the actions you have chosen and
promised to carry out. It's about the willingness to go
outside your comfort zone. Therefor an unconditional
commitment is needed.
Intrinsic motivation is the incentive to do what you have
promised to do. It's why you come out of your bed every
day and go to do your work.
If you are motivated, but you do not have enough
commitment, the transformation will not be successful.
Then you are as someone who has a proper dream but
thinks it comes naturally or is unwilling to commit
oneself fully. This way you will be discouraged quickly
and ultimately not be successful.
5. Commitment
and Intrinsic
Motivation
the Golden
Couple


38
If you're willing to give yourself fully, but do so do not
have a clear reason (motivation), you will eventually not
be effective.
Both, besides the passion for life, are thus essential for
successful transformation.
Intrinsic Motivation and commitment are the ingredients
for the basic condition tenacity. Tenacity means "the
tenacious pursuit of what is desired" and has as synonyms
persistence and perseverance. It is the persevering
implementation of the action plan to achieve the desired
reality. Tenacity includes permanently following the
action plan until the objective is achieved or has ceases
to be reasonably accessible. Put differently, sticking to a
chosen approach until the objective is achieved, and not
faint at times of doubt and disillusionment inherent to
change and transformation.
It’s also important that the persistent behavior is not
convulsive and closed, but remains open to learning and
reasoning and also is based on a good sense of reality.
Endurance is patience concentrated.
Thomas Carlyle
Perseverance is patience concentrated. Indeed, the core
quality 'Patience’ is a necessity to persist in moving
forward on the chosen path, until the realization of the
desired situation is an objective fact. One should also
keep in mind that every change takes time. Develop
patiently that what was decided is the message.
Understand that your success in life won’t be
determined just by what’s given to you, or what
happens to you, but by what you do with all
that’s given to you; what you do with all that
happens to you; how hard you try; how far you
push yourself; how high you’re willing to reach.
True excellence only comes with perseverance.
President Barack Obama
(Remarks by the President at Kalamazoo
Central High School Commencement, June 2010)
However, Tenacity should not become stubbornness.
Tenacity is inclined to stubbornness when you keep on
going without taking into account the ever-changing
reality. Then one is not knowledgeable. That's tenacity
6. Tenacity


39
too: continual observing the changing reality. Thus, when
it becomes clear that the desired reality is unattainable
this way, or when it becomes evident through new data
that there are better solutions, the approach has to be
questioned thoroughly.
Koppig volharden,
wordt bijna altijd volharden in koppigheid.
Jean de Boisson
(Pseudoniem van Cees Buddingh)
To stubbornly persist,
Becomes almost always to persist in stubbornness.
The other basic condition of this part of the "Rising
Strong’ process is interdependence. In order to continue
the implementation of our promises, we are dependent
on others. There is a mutual dependence.
Interdependence is and ought to be
as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency.
Man is a social being.
Mahatma Gandhi
In his already cited book ‘Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People’ Stephen Covey states:
Our objective is to move progressively on a
maturity continuum from dependence to
independence to interdependence. Although
independence is the current paradigm of our
society, we can accomplish much more by
cooperation and specialization. However, we
must achieve independence before we can
choose interdependence.
Stephen Covey uses the following definitions:
1. Dependency: You must take care of me;
2. Independence; I take (first) care for myself;
3. Inter-Dependence: We learn from each other and
together we can accomplish great things through
synergistic collaboration.
After deciding a long journey starts and this journey is
usually not for free. "When the rubber meets the road” is
a typical American expression, which I learned from
7. Inter-
dependence


40
Charlie Palmgren. As long as the decision is in the air,
the idea encounters relatively little resistance; obviously
assuming that it is not shot out of the air. The moment
the idea "lands" and therefore a decision is taken, an
enormous friction is created, similar to the friction
encountered by the wheels of the landing gear when the
aircraft touches the tarmac after a flight. The moment
one takes action, the promise suddenly encounters big
nuisance, in such way that in many cases promises are
ultimately not fully realized.
In order to protect promises during these rough tours,
this phase encompasses on top of the above-mentioned
basic conditions Tenacity and InterDependence (i.e. they
are mutually dependent) following skills:
• Permanently Repeat and Evaluate the
implementation of the promised activities;
• Ask for Feedback (Positive Reinforcement and
Correction)
• Dare to Change (if required);
• Attentive experience of the process; it so
important Process Awareness.
Through the 'continual' change effort - while the world
does not stop changing outside of us - even the world
within us changes. This is necessary according to W.
Edwards Deming. This quality guru put it this way:
"Nothing changes without personal transformation."
Personal transformation can
and does have global effects.
As we go, so goes the world, for the world is us.
The revolution that will save the world
is ultimately a personal one.
Marianne Williamson
You can find the full description of these skills in my
book ‘Crucial Dialogues’.
The permanent awareness of the Creative Interchange
process during the realization of the promised actions is
very important. Within Process Awareness we are also
aware if what we are doing, is done with the intention
and behavioral skills of Creative Interchange or if we (on
the contrary) act from our Vicious Circle. Staying
8. Skills


41
permanently connected to the Creative Interchange
process is our guarantee to continue going strong!
Finally, once again the picture of the complete ‘Rising
Strong’ process:


42

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ii
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xxii

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