LeaderLounge #LeadersAreReaders Series: Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson
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The tools to prepare for high-stakes conversations, transform anger into powerful dialogue, and make it safe to talk about anything.
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LeaderLounge #LeadersAreReaders Series: Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson
- 1. raise your leader quotient LeaderLounge™ lead, think, align, communicate, influence, coach, strategize, deliver, ignite (passion)
- 3. Agenda Overview Crucial Conversations Book Summary Case Studies - Kimberly Macaulay @ Fresh Tracks Canada - Matt Corker @ Lululemon Q & A Networking LEER LUNG #LeaderLounge
- 5. Best Tweet.
- 9. People are the plan.™
- 13. When a leader gets better, ALL of Vancouver benefits.
- 16. Team Genius Vancouver – Jan 27th
- 20. Facilitate like a boss. with Kevan Gilbert. Feb 24th
- 21. My Team is Better Than Yours March 23rd
- 22. Jaylene Crick Principal Smart, Savvy + Associates @smavvyjay
- 24. • OPINIONS VARY What’s a crucial conversation?
- 25. • Opinions vary • STAKES ARE HIGH What’s a crucial conversation?
- 26. • Opinions vary • Stakes are high • EMOTIONS RUN STRONG What’s a crucial conversation?
- 27. What are some crucial conversations you can think of, or ones you’ve had?
- 28. 25years
- 29. 20,000people
- 31. X
- 33. “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” -Ambrose Bierce
- 34. Work on Me First
- 35. Work on me first ‘US’ second.
- 36. on what you really want.
- 37. Refuse the Fool’s Choice
- 38. Look beneath the surface. Scuba vs. Snorkel
- 39. Learn to Look
- 40. Silence • Masking • Avoiding • Withdrawing
- 41. Violence • Controlling • Labelling • Attacking
- 42. What’s your style under stress? What’s your style under stress?
- 43. Make it safe.
- 44. Safety Conditions 1. Mutual Purpose
- 45. Safety Conditions 1. Mutual Purpose 2. Mutual Respect
- 47. 2. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding Contrast to fix misunderstanding
- 48. 3. Create a Mutual Purpose CREATE a mutual purpose.
- 49. Commit to seek mutual purpose Recognize why Invent mutual purpose Brainstorm new strategies
- 53. 1. Notice your behaviour. 2. Get in touch with your feelings. 3. Analyze your stories. 4. Get back to the facts.
- 54. Beware the “Clever” Stories Beware of clever stories.
- 55. 1. Victim 2. Villain 3. Helpless
- 56. Beware the “Clever” Stories Why do we tell clever stories?
- 57. Tell the rest of your story. Tell the rest of your story
- 58. Victims => Actors Villains => Humans Helpless => Able
- 59. STATE your path.
- 60. Share your facts. Tell your story. Ask for others’ paths. Talk tentatively. Encourage testing.
- 62. “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears—by listening to them.” —Dean Rusk
- 63. 1. Ask 2. Mirror 3. Paraphrase 4. Prime
- 64. 1. Agree 2. Build 3. Compare
- 65. Dialogue is not decision making.
- 66. • Who cares? • Who knows? • Who must agree? • How many people is it worth involving?
- 68. Kimberly MacAulay Chief Experience Officer (CXO) @kimberly_mac11
- 69. Matt Corker Product Operations Manager Lululemon @mattcorker
- 70. Full Disclosure a lululemon athletica case study @matt_corker
- 73. 17% $12m $60m core value: quality new fabric launch
- 74. May 31Mar 18 23 Apr 3 2 weeks 74 days
- 75. proud moments & … oops! safety > mutual purpose > apology building the communication channels to dismantle stories and create new distinctions decision makers in place with a process quality education ≠ happy guests old beliefs systems left unidentified
- 76. Next Series
Notes de l'éditeur
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- A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where… -opinions vary,
- -the stakes are high, and…
- emotions run strong. The effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations and communities all draw from the same source of power — the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.
- Q: What examples of crucial conversations can you think of, or ones you have had? Ideas… Ending a relationship Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments Asking a friend to repay a loan Giving the boss feedback about her behaviour Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies Critiquing a colleague’s work Asking a roommate to move out Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex-spouse Dealing with a rebellious teen Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments Discussing problems with sexual intimacy Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources Giving an unfavorable performance review Asking in-laws to quit interfering Talking to a co-worker about a personal hygiene problem
- The authors spent 25 years…
- asking 20,000+ people to identify individuals in their organization who could…
- “get things done”. PATTERN: those who were FAR more influential were named…
- 30x or more. These are called “opinion leaders”. People who routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry. Time permitting, read Kevin’s story, pg. 20 Kevin was 1 of 8 VP’s identified as exceedingly influential At first he seemed like a normal VP like the others Then attended a meeting about new office location across USA First two execs presented arguments for top choices, which were debated and discussed in detail Then CEO pitched preference that was unpopular and disastrous When people started to disagree or push back, he responded poorly Eventually people stopped asking questions Kevin told the CEO he was violating his own decision-making guidelines
- How do you encourage the flow of meaning in the face of differing opinions and strong emotions when the stakes are high? The truth is people can change. But it requires work. You can’t simply drink a magic potion and walk away renewed. Instead, you’ll need to take a long, hard look at yourself. In fact, this is the first principle of dialogue: Start with Heart — that is, your own heart.
- If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right. When conversations become crucial, you’ll resort to the forms of communication that you’ve grown up with – debate, manipulation, anger, and so on.
- The first Principal in Starting with Heart is to work on ME first.
- Others are not the source of ALL that ails us. We are rarely completely innocent. People who are best at dialogue or crucial conversations understand this and focus on the principle “Work on me first.” They realize that not only are they likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that they’re the only person they can work on anyway. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod and shape — with any degree of success — is the person in the mirror.
- People who start with heart not only begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, they also stay focused no matter what happens. They maintain focus in two ways. First, they’re steelyeyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them. Second… ***Not sure where the below copy belongs STOP. Pay attention to your motives. Refocus your thinking. “What does my behaviour tell me about what my motives are?” Find your bearings. “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” Take charge of your body. “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” Don’t resort to: (give eg. for each) Winning Punishing Keeping the peace
- People who are skilled at dialogue also do not talk themselves into a Fool’s Choice (either/or) Peace vs. honesty? Happiness vs tears? Ex. Sweet sensitive dear grandma asked you what you think of her Brussel sprouts pie? Winning vs. losing? E They search for the AND. For example, is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns AND not insult or offend him? Or, is there a way to talk to your partner about how he’s spending money AND not get into an argument?
- So when starting with heart, stop and ask yourself the following questions: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
- When a discussion starts to become stressful … LEARN TO LOOK. Is this conversation turning crucial? Observe the CONDITIONS. What would be a physical or emotional or behavorial sign you might see when a conversation is turning crucial? Physical signs: Stomach tightens Dry eyes Emotional signs: Scared/hurt/angry Behaviourial sign: Raised voice Pointing fingers Becoming quiet As people begin to feel unsafe, they typically either move to silence or to violence.
- Silence is when someone purposefully withholds information from the Shared Pool of Meaning in a Crucial Conversation. It is an avoidance tactic, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. 3 most common kinds: [pg. 59] MASKING - Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinion. Sarcasm, sugarcoating and couching are some of the more popular forms. AVOIDING - Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but fail to address the real issues. WITHDRAWING - Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
- Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel others to accept your point of view. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling and attacking: CONTROLLING - Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. This includes - Coercing others to your way of thinking Dominating the conversation Cutting others off, overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, changing the subject Using directive questions to control the conversation LABELING - Putting labels on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a stereotype or category ATTACKING When you move from winning the argument to making the person suffer Belittling or threatening
- When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. Build up your own self-monitors. “People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. “No, you stupid idiot,” I said,” that’s my house.” How often have you answered, “I’m not angry!” “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” [Style Under Stress Test] – [pg. 63] .com/exclusive By identifying your Style Under Stress, you can make a special effort to avoid some of your silence or violence habits. Also, when you are in the middle of a crucial conversation, you can be more conscious of what to watch for.
- When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and build safety. The key is to step out of the content of conversation and to not stay stuck in what’s being said. “Can we change gears for a minute? I’d like to talk about _________. It would be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My goal isn’t to ______, and I certainly don’t want to ____. What I’d really love, is for us to come up with a solution that ______.”
- Decide which condition of safety is at risk: mutual purpose? Or mutual respect? Mutual Purpose – Entering the conversation Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives? Work towards a common outcome If you start debating, you’re not working towards Mutual Purpose It’s not about making things better for yourself. Frame the conversation for mutual benefit. [Good eg. on pg. 78] Ex. Boss fails to keep commitments, how can you tell boss you do not trust him without him getting defensive or vengeful? Mutual purpose – if your only goal is to get what you want, your boss will hear you as critical or selfish If you try to see the other person’s point of view, you can draw them willingly into a conversation, for example, boss behaviors casuse you to miss deadlines that he cares about or incur costs that she frets about
- Mutual Respect – Continuing the conversation Do others believe you respect them? “Respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about.” Emotions flip from fear to anger. People will defend their dignity. Pouting, name-calling, making threats.
- When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others (e.g., you didn’t call your team to let them know that presentation plans were changed), start with an apology. APOLOGIZE Sincerely express your sorrow for your role in causing (or failing to prevent) pain or difficult to others. You must also experience a change of heart. Your motives must change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning
- Sometimes people feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though we haven’t done anything disrespectful. An apology isn’t appropriate in these circumstances — it would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong when you weren’t. When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting. Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that: • Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part). • Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part). Contrasting is not apologizing. Contrasting provides context & proportion. Use it for prevention or first aid. Example: The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value the work you put in when I didn’t share your presentation with the VP. I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular. ***Try it: samples on page 89. PRINT
- When you are at a cross-purposes, you will also want to step out of the content of the conflict and work together to create a mutual purpose. This helps everyone stop focusing on who thinks what.
- You can do so by “cribbing your way to purpose”; by CRIB, we mean: COMMIT TO SEEK A MUTUAL PURPOSE Make a statement that publically commits your intention to work something out. “This isn’t working. Why don’t we try to come up with something together that satisfies everyone?” Example: Your team wants to stay late and mine wants to come in on the weekend. RECOGNIZE THE PURPOSE BEHIND THE STRATEGY Ask people why they want what they are pushing for. Example: Why don’t you want to come in on Saturday? We are feeling fatigued and that can lead to quality and safety issues. Why do you want to stay late? INVENT A MUTUAL PURPOSE If you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones in conflict. Example: I certainly don’t want winners or losers here. It’s better to come up with something that doesn’t make one team resent the other. Voting and flipping a coin isn’t a solution. I’m more worried about how we feel about each other. Let’s make sure that whatever we do, we do not drive a wedge in our working relationship. BRAINSTORM NEW STRATEGIES Search for a solution that serves everyone and think outside of the box. Example: So we need to come up with something that doesn’t jeopardize safety and quality AND that allows your team to attend your colleague’s wedding on Sat. Afternoon and that enables my team to go to the game on Sat morning. What is your team starts in the morning, we meet over lunch and then my team continues on in the afternoon?
- So far we have learned that in crucial conversations we need to start with heart. We now also have insights into what to look for and techniques to apply when people are beginning to feel unsafe. Now it’s time explore another principal for smart dialogue – mastering our stories.
- After we observe something, and before we feel some emotion about it, we ourselves tell a story. We add meaning to the action we observe. We make a guess at the motive behind the behavior. We add judgment (good or bad). SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
- Retrace your path and TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.
- How? Try the following tactics. ACT Notice your behaviour. “Am I doing some form of silence or violence?” FEEL Get in touch with your feelings. Ask yourself… “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?” Learn to identify the emotions behind your story. Eg. Sometimes “angry” actually means embarrassed and surprised. TELL STORY Analyze your stories. “What story is creating these emotions?” Question your conclusions. Look for other possible explanations behind your story. SEE/HEAR Get back to the facts. Separate the facts from the story by focusing on the behavior. “What evidence do I have to support this story?” Restrict the “evidence” to ONLY what you can SEE and HEAR. By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question and change any one or more of the elements in your story.
- Watch for clever stories. These stories help us feel good about behaving badly.
- VICTIM – “It’s not my fault” We’re completely innocent The other person is entirely at fault. In truth, this is rare. DON’T ignore the role you have in the problem. VILLAIN – “It’s all your fault” We turn decent human beings into evil people We tell everyone about how awful this person is We over-emphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity. We automatically assume the worst. DON’T be a hypocrite. If you had done the same thing, would you be so quick to defame yourself? HELPLESS – “There’s nothing else I can do” We pretend to be entirely powerless. It’s easy to act this way, when we believe others’ traits to be fixed and unchangeable. These always involve the Fool’s Choice.
- WHY WE TELL CLEVER STORIES: They match reality. They get us off the hook. They keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts. (We believe we should apologize, help someone, say yes, say no, speak up… but you don’t.)
- To help recreate your story, keep in mind.. AM I PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE MY ROLE IN THE PROBLEM? WOULD A REASONABLE, RATIONAL, AND DECENT PERSON DO WHAT THIS PERSON IS DOING? WHAT DO I REALY WANT? FOR ME? FOR OTHERS? FOR THE RELATIONSHIP? WHAT WOULD I DO RIGHT NOW IF I REALLY WANTED THESE RESULTS?
- ***Not sure we need this? Turn victims into actors. Turn villains into humans. Turn the helpless into the able.
- Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right condition for dialogue, you can then draw on five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE.
- To state your path, first: Share your facts. Facts are the least controversial. Facts are the most persuasive. Facts are the least insulting. Start your story with facts. Tell your story. Facts are not enough. It can be awkward to share negative conclusions / unattractive judgments. It takes CONFIDENCE. Don’t pile it on. Deal with things as they arise. Don’t add historical events. Use contrasting. Don’t apologize for your views. Ask for others’ paths. Ask others to share their views: HUMILTY. Listen. Be willing to reshape or abandon your story. Talk tentatively. Describe facts and stories in a tentative or non-dogmatic way. “I was wondering why…” Tell your story as a story, rather than a fact. Find a balance between confidence and humility. “The fact is” becomes “In my opinion…” “It’s clear to me” becomes “I’m beginning to wonder if…” ADD MEANING. Don’t force it down people’s throats. Speaking in absolutes decreases your influence. TENTATIVE, not manipulate. TENTATIVE, not wimpy. Encourage testing. Invite opposing views. “What am I missing here?” “Do you see it differently?” Be sincere. Don’t make an invitation sound like a veiled threat. Play devil’s advocate. Disagree with your own view. “Maybe I’m wrong. What if the opposite is true? Maybe…” Do it until your motive becomes obvious. You can argue as hard as you want for your own view, so long as you are even more vigorous at encouraging others to disprove it. IS YOUR MOTIVE TO WIN THE DEBATE, OR ENGAGE IN REAL DIALOGUE?
- To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety.
- To encourage others to share their paths, you can use four powerful listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly. These four skills are called power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym…
- AMPP — Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase and Prime. Luckily, the tools work for both silence and violence games. ***Offer a group exercise to audience. Read a sample situation & work in pairs.*** ASK to get things rolling. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. MIRROR to confirm feelings. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. PARAPHRASE to acknowledge the story. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard, to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking. PRIME when you’re getting nowhere. If others continue to hold back, take your best guess at what they may be thinking.
- ***SWITCH roles & continue group exercise*** It’s now your turn to talk. But what if you disagree? Some of the other person’s facts are wrong, and his or her stories are completely fouled up. Now what? As you begin to share your views, remember: AGREE Find common ground. Move on once you agree. Don’t turn agreements into arguments. BUILD Don’t look for minor errors/differences. If they leave something out, AGREE, then ADD. “I agree. In addition, I notice that…” COMPARE State how you differ. Don’t suggest the other person is wrong. “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how…”
- The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. For example, people may not understand how decisions are going to be made or no decision gets mad or decisions drag on forever. That’s why it’s so important that people do not assume that dialogue is decision-making.
- To avoid violated expectations, separate dialogue from decision making. Make it clear how decisions will be made – who will be involved and why. ***Need a slide after this – Putting it All Together – launch into case studies
- [would like to move these to introduce their case studies]
- Matt has been at lululemon for 5.5 years - starting in people development, moving through international retail operations, and landing in product where he is responsible for quality operations, new initiative delivery, and vendor communications his time in product wasn't planned - it was a result of the largest quality issue in the company's history. They called Matt in to manage the crisis. next week Matt is wrapping up his legacy at lululemon and is taking some time off for the holidays before getting back to his roots and passion in people development and strategy
- create the stakes: announced a pullback in tight-fitting, signature luon bottoms impacting 17% of all women’s bottoms - Q1 2013 impact estimated at $12 mil 2013 projections - $57-67 mil, negative impact of EPS of $0.25-0.27 no one knew how it happened core value was quality; educator wasn’t listened to “the most important role in the company,” stores felt like “you did this to us” new VP Quality just hired on the basis of “best in the world quality” set to launch a new fabric “Full-On Luon” in 100 days
- timeline of events: pulled into a meeting on Monday - sheer pants, you need to go to the DC had 3 hours to determine our operations to evaluate millions of units PR on Wed 18 - update the street in a week evaluation occurred in DCs, realized we had to cut loss of production and focus on new units PR 23 – update on 2013 projections PR Apr 3 – update on luon production and quality system in place PR May 31 – Back in Black
- set-up chain of communication: executive level swat team the masses / the media “its not my fault” “its all your fault” “there’s nothing I can do” “why don’t you show me how you run YOUR business” - had to communicate to everyone about the most gradual details - weekly reports and monthly reviews - weekly calls w. swat team process in place to escalate concerns with clear owner and decision maker.