Beyond the Books: How to quieten your inner critic
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You’re dumb.’ ‘You’re not good enough.’ ‘You’ll never succeed at this.’ You’d never say these things to someone else, so why let your inner critic undermine your own efforts and accomplishments? Learn how you can use self-compassion to quieten your inner critic and stop holding yourself back from success in your studies, relationships and career. Having worked as a psychologist for over five years, our presenter Niamh Keane is used to demonstrating compassion for others in her professional career, but also understands how challenging it can be to turn down the volume on your own negative thoughts. Niamh explains what self-compassion is, why it’s important and how you can use it to quieten your inner critic. For even more sways to combat your inner critic, check out the following resources on USQ Social Hub: https://social.usq.edu.au/tags/mental-wellbeing https://social.usq.edu.au/uni-lifestyle/2017/02/headstrong For more free resources from the Beyond the Books Online Series, visit our website: https://www.usq.edu.au/webinars
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Beyond the Books: How to quieten your inner critic
- 1. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081
- 2. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081
- 3. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081
- 4. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 How to quieten your inner critic Beyond the Books Online Series Niamh Keane Psychologist @ headspace Toowoomba
- 5. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Who is your inner critic? “I’m such a failure…” “My hair is so horrible…” “No one wants to hear my opinion…” “I can never get anything right…” “I’m not good enough for this…..”
- 6. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Poll 1 What kinds of things does your inner critic pick on?
- 7. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Where did it come from?
- 8. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Why do we do this to ourselves?? • To get our attention • To alert us to danger • To motivate change
- 9. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 What can we do about it? • Be aware of your inner critic – what is it saying? • Ask yourself – what if that wasn’t true? • Practice self compassion
- 10. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Self Compassion explored.. • Notice the suffering • Respond with warmth and a desire to help • Offer understanding and kindness • Accept imperfection without judgement
- 11. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 • Acting the same way towards yourself!! • Acknowledge your pain and care for yourself So Self Compassion is….
- 12. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 • Pain = unavoidable discomfort that comes into our lives • Resistance = any effort to ward off pain, such as tensing the body or thinking about how to make the pain go away • Pain x resistance = suffering What we resist persists…
- 13. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Self-Compassion reduces suffering • Acknowledge your inner critic • Respond to it as if you would to a good friend
- 14. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 • Reduces anxiety, depression, stress, over- thinking, perfectionism, body shame, fear of failure • Greater compassion and empathy to others • More forgiveness of others More reasons to practice Self- Compassion
- 15. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Tips for practicing Self Compassion • Do something you enjoy every day, for at least 5 minutes • Plan to have breaks in your day, your week, your year and allow yourself to take them • Spend time with people who support and care for you • Seek support from a trusted friend or a therapist if you need a reminder
- 16. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Support available at USQ..
- 17. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Mental Health First Aid Training USQ offers a two-day Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) training program. This program is designed to help you: – recognise the signs and symptoms of mental health problems – learn how to help people in the early stages of these problems – know where and how to refer people to get help – understand what types of help are effective – know how to assist in a mental health crisis until professional help arrives Email: mhfa@usq.edu.au to register your interest Support available at USQ..
- 18. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 For students USQ Student Services usq.edu.au/studentservices Toowoomba: +61 7 46312372 Ipswich & Springfield: +61 7 34704400 Book online: https://accesshub.usq.edu.au/ Support available at USQ..
- 19. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 For staff Employee Assistance Program https://www.usq.edu.au/hr/healthsafe/eap Face to Face or via Phone Contact: 1300 360 364 Support available at USQ..
- 20. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Support available elsewhere.. • 7 module self help course in self compassion: (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=57) • Free course on mindfulness based stress reduction: (https://palousemindfulness.com/index.html) • Daily mindfulness app for phone or computer: (http://smilingmind.com.au/)
- 21. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Support available elsewhere.. Headspace: www.headspace.org.au Counselling and referral service for young people aged 12- 25 years. Also supports parents. Relationships Australia: www.relationships.org.au Family and relationship counselling as well as a range of specialist counselling services. Lifeline: www.lifeline.org.au 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention.
- 22. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 Poll 2 How confident do you feel that you could recognise and respond to your inner critic after this webinar?
- 23. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081 “Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend” Kristin Neff
- 24. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081
- 25. CRICOS QLD00244B NSW 02225M TEQSA:PRF12081
Notes de l'éditeur
- Who is your inner critic? Well I don’t know about you but my inner critic comments on my life almost daily. When I’m alone with my thoughts, when I’m nervous or stressed, or even when I’m just trying to get a coffee and get on with my day, it will show up and drag me down.. My inner critic is the voice that comments negatively on what I’m doing, that judges me harshly for every mistake and frankly, it brings me down every time I hear it. In fact, even putting this webinar together has been a struggle in the face of my inner critic; “How can you even talk about this, your inner critic is not quiet!!” You may recognize some of my inner critics most repeated lines: “I’m such a failure…” “My hair is so horrible…” “No one wants to hear my opinion…” “I can never get anything right…” “I’m not good enough for this…..” My inner critic has been such a negative influence in my life that for a long time, I never talked to anyone about it. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I actually thought that it was just me – that this was my voice and it was 100% accurate. I am comfortable to talk about it now because I realise that my inner critic, while loud at times, is not always accurate, and also that I am not alone – pretty much everyone I know has an inner critic and we all do battle with ours on a daily basis. I first realised this when I was at a training course years ago with the fabulous Dr. Russ Harris. Russ is a GP, psychotherapist, author of numerous books including “the happiness trap” which is an international bestseller. So he’s not exactly a lightweight… And there in the training he was talking about when he first made the move from general practice into psychotherapy, and he had this inner voice which said to him regularly “I’m not good enough, everyone is going to realise soon enough, I am a fraud” I was literally gob smacked that this man who was so successful and held in such high esteem had an inner critic that berated and bullied him, just like mine…
- So to kick us off I’d like to get an idea of what kinds of things your inner critic picks on. You can choose more than one option here and I’ll just give you a minute to do this… So I can see most people have said xxx and that is consistent with what I have found in my practice working with people. My appearance or some aspect of my appearance My behaviour or some aspect of my behaviour My intelligence or ability to do things What other people think of me Something else
- So where does our inner critic come from? Like most aspects of ourselves, our inner critic is likely to have originated in childhood. Picture the scene: you’re a young child, you’ve just drawn on your mum’s cream carpet with her favourite lipstick (which you thought was a perfect crayon), and she comes in after having a really terrible day already, and now its just got worse coz her favourite lipstick and cream carpet are ruined, and she yells at you “Agh! You are so naughty, I can’t leave you alone for 5 minutes, you ruin everything…..” Now, no-ones blaming your mum for losing her cool here but what you hear in your child ears is “you did that wrong” and “you ruin everything”. And then the worst part. You start to take over and internalize this voice and then you add that to numerous other voices over time, comments from peers, teachers, family and friends and others. The first time someone tells you that your efforts were “not good enough” or “your hair is so crazy”. The words might not even have been meant in a bad way, but you take everything on board and make it your own, and then you mentally tell yourself “I did that wrong”, “I ruin everything” “I’m not good enough”… and so your inner critic is born.. Your inner critic specialises in self put-downs, character assassination, shaming and humiliating.
- Some suggest that we internalise the inner critic to make us pay attention and take notice of our own well being. That it is attempting to care for us, but is doing so in a painful and unhelpful way. Having some degree of inner criticism is normal, and for lots of people, it motivates them to improve themselves in some way. In fact, some people don’t want to stop criticizing themselves because they believe it’s the only way to motivate change. So using our examples from before, “I’m not good enough” or “my hair is so gross” maybe will motivate us to try harder or to learn new hairstyles. However, an overactive inner critic can be damaging to your mental health and your sense of self-esteem. By learning how to recognize abnormal levels of self-criticism and finding ways to change your attitude toward yourself, you can overcome your negative thought patterns.
- So what can we do about our inner critic? Become aware of what your inner critic is saying If you can identify the thought; say it out loud. Have you ever had the experience of saying something aloud and realizing how ridiculous it sounds? The negativity immediately seems dramatic and perspective settles in. When we confront the issue, solutions start to appear. Some have suggested giving your inner critic a name like “negative nelly” or “moaning myrtle” if you’re a harry potter fan 2. Ask Yourself: “What If That Wasn’t True?” The inner critic usually churns out all-or-nothing, black-and-white statements which are generally lies. This is one of the ways you can identify the inner critic – it doesn’t offer any solutions of have any kind of balanced view, like your own brain has when you think about things. Matching the self critical statements with something more positive or even neutral, can be helpful. Turning “I am such a failure” into “I am doing my best, and that is enough.” Turning “My hair is so horrible” into “Big hair, don’t care” Turning “I can never get anything right” into “I am not defined by my mistakes.” Turning “I’m not good enough for this” into “I'm here and I’m going to do the best I can” Be mindful of the language you use, because as we have seen, you are likely to believe what you tell yourself, so make it positive or at the very least, neutral. 3. Practice self compassion You can be your own best friend or your harshest critic — and no one can control this apart from you. When my thoughts and feelings are destructive, critical or very black and white, I try to look for the alternatives, the solutions, shades of grey. I focus on my accomplishments, what I am proud of myself for, and what I am grateful for.
- So lets dig a little deeper into self-compassion – what is it and why should we be compassionate to ourselves? Isn’t it funny that you would probably never question why you should be compassionate to other people?? And yet self-compassion is not thought of or practiced as commonly… When we are compassionate towards another person, we first need to notice that the other person is suffering. Once you have noticed another person’s suffering, you feel it within your heart and respond to their pain. You then feel warmth, caring and a desire to help this person in some way. Part of compassion is that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes. When you are compassionate towards someone else, you don’t judge them harshly or tell them what they should have done. You realise that suffering, failure and imperfection are parts of the shared human experience, that we will all experience these things at one time or another in our lives.
- So self-compassion is doing all of this, but towards yourself. So when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself, you treat yourself with compassion rather than ignoring your pain or getting angry at yourself. So for example if your inner critic is saying “I'm not good enough to be here” you could respond with, “Inner Critic, I hear you. What are you trying to protect me from? What are you so worried will happen? How do you know that’s true?” One of my lecturers at USQ would call this bemused tolerance “Hello you seem to be saying some stuff today that is neither new nor helpful. Is there some way I can help you with this?” Being compassionate in this way, even towards your inner critic, is more helpful than ignoring, avoiding it or pushing it away in the long run – while trying to resist painful or negative feelings seems intuitive, can actually make things worse.. Let me explain what I mean..
- ‘What you resists, persists” is a quote from one of the grandfathers of modern psychology, Carl Jung, and what he meant by that is pretty straighforward – when we struggle with our painful or negative feelings, when we try to push them away or drown them with substances, or tense ourselves so we cant feel the pain, it can actually give more focus to the pain and so it persists. It makes sense when you think about it – in order to push away, drown or tense our pain, we have to on some level be thinking about it or focussing on that thing we are trying to get rid of (pain) and so it persists. Pain is an unavoidable discomfort that comes into our lives such as a cut on our leg, missing someone we care about, not getting that job or failing an assignment. Resistance is any effort to ward off pain, such as pushing away, tensing the body or thinking about how to make the pain go away. So when we add resistance to our pain, we end up suffering. Suffering is physical and emotional tension that we add to our pain, layer upon layer. For example, if you are grieving over someone who has died and you tell yourself you should be over it by now, you are resisting the pain of losing someone and thus adding to your pain rather than reducing it. So it is the type of relationship we have with pain or what we do about the pain which will determine how much we suffer. Incidentally the research literature on physical chronic pain says the same thing – pain is amplified when we try to avoid or resist it. Pain is unfortunately unavoidable however we can have some control over how much we suffer.
- So self compassion encourages us to acknowledge the comments made by our inner critic, not to avoid them or push them away, but to see them for what they may be – comments intended to motivate us or to keep us safe, but which are perhaps not entirely true. Think about it as if you were responding to a good friend with loving kindness – no judgement, no blame, just empathy and perhaps brainstorming solutions. With the example of the “I’m not good enough for this” perhaps this is your inner voice telling you “I’m scared, I’m nervous about doing this” and if a good friend said this to you, How would you respond? You would likely be encouraging and supportive and say something like “you can do it, you can try your best and even if you don’t succeed at first you can learn from the experience” This type of thinking turned towards yourself is the essence of self compassion.
- The most recent research into self-compassion has shown that when people are regularly compassionate towards themselves, there is a significant reduction in anxiety and depressive symptoms. Research has also found reductions in stress levels, over-thinking, perfectionism, body shame and fear of failure. When we use self-compassion, we tend have greater compassion and empathy for others and have more of a tendency to forgive. The reason we can be more compassionate and forgiving of others when we are compassionate towards ourselves is because we are no longer avoiding or pushing away our own uncomfortable feelings. This gives us more room to focus on people we care about. Its very difficult to empathise with others when we can’t tolerate the same feelings occurring within ourselves. Its difficult to pay attention to how other people are feeling when we are absorbed in our own struggles.
- Some people find self compassion through journalling, repeating affirmations, calling a friend, baking, crafting, climbing a mountain– do whatever you need to do in order to come back to a feeling of self-love. Even just 5 minutes a day of this kind of self-love will build up your confidence.
- If you would like to learn more you can access our online resources. You can access this through the Counselling webpage under Student Services. There you will find information to maintain mental wellness including; tip sheets, videos, audio, and articles. The resources are skills that anyone can access 24/7 that are often used during counselling sessions (e.g., mindfulness and relaxation exercises, psycho-education on common mental health issues etc) https://www.usq.edu.au/current-students/services/health-counselling-wellbeing/counselling/wellbeing-online-resources
- If you are looking to further your competency around mental health you can also sign up for Mental Health First Aid Training. Mental health first aid is the help given to someone developing a mental health problem or in a mental health crisis. The first aid is given until appropriate professional treatment is received or until the crisis resolves. Who can attend? All USQ students are encouraged to attend. How much does it cost? This program is free for all USQ students. How long is the course? The course will be held over 2 days. Where is it held? This program is available on Ipswich, Springfield and Toowoomba campuses. How do I sign up? Email mhfa@usq.edu.au to register your interest and find out when the course will be run in 2017.
- And if you would like to see a counsellor and you are student, you can contact Student Services through the following channels. Student Services offer a number of different services so check out the website.
- If you are a staff member and would like to access counselling you can do this through the employee assistance program. They offer face to face and phone appointments, simply contact the number on the screen.
- Very confident Fairly confident A bit more confident Not at all confident
- For more on Self compassion research, Kristin Neff, Brene Brown and others.