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1. Nonviolent communication
and mediation
Étienne Godinot
Translation : Claudia McKenny Engström
05.02.2015

2. La communication non-violente
et la médiation
Contents
1- Nonviolent communication
What is NVC ? Definition, role
A process in 4 steps
The mechanisms that generate violence
The mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-being
Some tools for NVC : Where is the problem ? Active listening
(open and closed questions, reformulation), affirmative message
“I…”
2 - Mediation
What is mediation ?
Changing the logic
The role of the mediator
The steps of mediation
Attitude and qualities of a mediator

3. 1. Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
NVC is the language and interactions that strengthen our
capacity of expressing, giving kindness that will inspire in
others the desire to act likewise.
This process of communication was initiated in the 1970s by
Marshall Rosenberg. Empathy is at the heart of NVC,
common to the approach centred on the person, imagined by
Carl Rogers (photo above), and professor to Rosenberg.
“NVC is the combination of a language, a way of thinking, a skill
in communication and the means of influence serving the
desire to accomplish three things :
- Free myself from a cultural conditioning in discrepancy with
the way in which I wish to live my life
- Acquire the power to access my inner being and others, in a
way allowing me to give naturally from the heart
- Acquire the power to create structures that support this way of
giving.
Marshall Rosenberg (photo below).

4. The role of NVC
NVC allows us to understand what happens in the
relation with oneself and with others, in order to
realise new representations and different
behaviours.
It invites us to become conscious of what we are
really living (our aspirations and needs, our
emotions and feelings), what the other is living,
and of creating the conditions of a real meeting.
Photos : Thomas d’Anzembourg, Belgian educator in NVC
and several of his books.

5. NVC: a process in four steps
1) Objective observation of a situation (putting
aside our judgements and evaluations)
2) Identification of emotions and feelings that a
given situation awakens in us (differentiating them
from our own interpretations and judgements)
3) Identification of needs linked to the latter feelings
(deep aspirations, motivations, etc.)
4) Formulation of a request in order to satisfy the
need (presented positively, concrete and
feasible).

6. The mechanisms that generate violence
- judgements, etiquettes, categories
- habitual thinking (beliefs, prejudices…)
- binary thoughts (either…or; or…or…)
- using a blaming language or removing responsibilities
(assimilating a person to its act, accusing message
“You…”, etc.)

7. Mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-being
- Active listening
- Openness and research
- Complementary and ternary thinking (and…,
and…)
- Affirmative message “I…” and expression of
feelings
- Develop self-esteem
- Cultivate trust in oneself and others
- Welcome differences

8. Mechanisms that generate dialogue and better-being
- Openness to disagreements, taking care of
our angers, listen to our fears in order to
overcome them
- Learning to say “no” and welcome the other’s
“no” without submission or aggression
- Sharing of values
- Explaining the sense and reasons behind
rules.

9. Some tools of NVC
Where is the problem ? (Thomas Gordon)
The other has a problem
Active listening
“Ah… You are tired of our meetings ?”
The others have a problem
Mediation
“Can I help you see more clarity in these
problems you face during meetings ?”
No problem between us Keep up good relationships, prevent
and share
“Our meetings are very useful !”
I have a problem because of the other Message “I…” of confrontation
“I am angry because I cannot stand you attitude
during our meetings !”
There is a problem between us
Resolution of a conflict
“This is becoming unbearable ! I’m going to see
the boss !”

10. Some tools of NVC
Active listening
Open questions
Closed questions
Start with : How ? What ? Who or which ?
How many ? Where? When ? Why ? Start with a "do/does" question
Larger, deeper answer Answer by “Yes”, “No” or other such as
“I don’t know”
Bring the other to speak, think
Bring the other to choose a position
and pushes the action
Not directive : the interlocutor has more
latitude, freedom in his/her answer
Directive: the interviewer guides the answer
and orientate the interview
Helps better understanding the interlocutor,
his feelings and personality
Allows to obtain a clear answer
Adapted for a deep communication, for an
interview aiming to help
Adapted for an investigative interview,
to save time
Brings AIR: Attention, Interest, Reflection

11. Some tools for NVC
Reformulation
Reformulating : receiving what the other says, say it my way
in order to establish if I understood his or her message
Why ?
- to indicate I am listening and that I heard the situation, his
or her feelings (to allow him or her to go further in the
expression what those), his/her arguments (even if I don’t
share them)
- to check I understood and allow how to complete or correct
- to continue the discussion
- to deepen a point that seems important to me, orientate
the interview on a precise point

12. Some tools for NVC
La reformulation
How ?
I don’t really understand…
What do you mean when…
According to you…
In other words…
So that would mean it was…who…
You believe that…
You think that…
“Echoes” you say?
“Discouraged”?

13. Some tools for NVC
The affirmative message “I…”, for self affirmation
(of confrontation, taking position, refusal, satisfaction, etc.)
The other should not be judged or accused.
It is important to stick to the facts. The “you” kills!
What he/she does
What he/she says
The consequences
for me
What I feel
“ You did not inform me
of your absence ”
“ I waited all day ”
“ I’m very unhappy !”
Description of objective
facts, of the behaviour
of others
Concrete effects
on me
My feeling
clear credible true

14. Tools for NVC
The “I…” message
The 4 criteria of an efficient confrontation
1- To obtain the modification of another’s behaviour
(ask him/her to satisfy my need)
2 - Preserve the esteem the other feels towards me
3 - Maintain and improve the quality of the relation
between us
4 - Develop the other’s responsibility (help him/her
become conscious of the consequences of his/her
behaviour)

15. 2 - Mediation
Mediation is the intervention of a third person
between two actors in a conflict to bring them to
- talk to each other,
- evacuate misunderstandings,
- understand each other,
- find a compromise that will open the way to
reconciliation.

16. Changing the logic
The objective is to move from a binary logic
of confrontation to a dynamic ternary
cooperation,
allowing all to take a step back from
- himself/herself
- the relationship with the other
- the conflict that they suffer from.

17. Promoting mediation
It isn’t enough to establish the
objective truth about the facts.
It is more important to apprehend
the subjective truths about a
person’s feelings, sentiments,
sufferings and desires.

18. The role of the mediator
1. First, allow both parties to express their emotions to the
mediator and if they cannot talk to reach other:
- give them time to speak, one after the other
- show them the problems have been understood by
reformulating
2. Help each party hear the needs and suffering of the other
3. Help reach an agreement
- with the consent of all involved
- express it in the vocabulary of the parties

19. The role of the mediator
- No judge, no sides : does not try to weigh, estimate or
determine who is right or wrong
- Must be asked by one and accepted by the other
- Does not take sides
- Does not hand out the solution : helps the parties in
presence build the solution
- Plays the role of interpreter, catalyser
- Guarantees dialogue and negotiation in the process

20. Steps of mediation
The mediator :
- defines precisely his/her role for the parties
- checks he/she is accepted by both
- checks the positive intentions of both
- defines the “rules of the game”
- makes sure each has time to speak, one after the other
- if necessary, summarises the respective needs
- masters the process
- reaches an agreement on the final definition of the respective
needs
- if necessary, gets them to write and sign the agreement on
paper, with needs and solutions

21. The attitude of the mediator
The mediator keeps his/her distance :
Welcomes the emotion - without making it personal
The emotions of the other - but do not affect him/hr
touch him/her directly
He/She hears the anger - but does not become invaded
and suffering and let himself/herself
destroyed by it

22. The qualities of a mediator
• Independence
• Neutrality
• Impartiality
• Confidentiality
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